4 Lines Of A Storm

[Mungosmungo]

A rotten eggshell sky is cracked wide open,
And rotten, egg-yolk light drops through the sky.
A whip cracks heavy, wide. Xolotl's flash
gives way to Brontes, and soul shaking sounds.

[Erthona]

Ah yes, this one. Seems as I have already critiques this, so I don't see much cause to do so again. I will say, again. Whatever allusion you are making with "Brontes" I assume you mean Brontës, must be incredible obscure, so it really should be foot noted. I have never in my life, and I am 57, seen anything that looked like " rotten, egg-yolk light dropping through the sky". If that is supposed to be a description of lightening, it is by far the most bizarre description I have ever stumbled upon. That should not be taken as a compliment. Well, enough. I'll let Tom have a bit of your egg sky omelet.

Dale

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome. You may want to consider a different word for your second rotten, It is a strong enough opening to not need repeating in this short poem. Ending on "sounds" was empty and flat for me, I'd prefer a more specific word.

Hope you enjoy the site.

A rotten eggshell sky is cracked wide open,
And rotten, egg-yolk light drops through the sky.
A whip cracks heavy, wide. Xolotl's flash
gives way to Brontes, and soul shaking sounds.

[Kutomba]

You say "rotten", "egg", and "sky" twice in the first two lines. One word being repeated can be excusable, but it ruins the flow and readability of the poem in this case. Your verbs are pretty weak; you used "is cracked", "drops", "cracks", and "gives way". Considering this is (presumably) about lightening, I'd use more hard-hitting words. The way it's written now makes me imagine yellow gunk slowly oozing and dripping out of the sky, not a thunderstorm. The passive voice in the first line doesn't work very well. Saying that "a whip cracks" is a cliche, and since this is a small poem, you should definitely avoid cliches.

I'm assuming that in the third and fourth lines you're alluding to the Aztec deity of lightning "giving way" to the Greek cyclops, Brontes (whose name means thunder, I think). This doesn't really work. While Aztec mythology was still going strong when Aztec and European culture collided, Greek mythology was all but fairy tales. I do think I see what you're trying to do: you're saying that Xolotl, lighting, disappears before Brontes, thunder, shows up. It would be really cool if the two symbols were realistic besides each other, but they aren't. Xolotl wasn't recognized until long after Brontes was a "thing", and by the time there was a concept of Xolotl, Brontes was just a part of random ancient paganism that the current Europeans rejected.

I think you could end in a more powerful way than "soul-shaking sounds". The word "sounds", even when paired with adjectives, doesn't come with much meaning and makes for a weak finish. Choose a word that focuses specifically on the power of thunder or on the temporary peace after the thunder booms.

[Erthona]

Kutomba,
Thanks for clearing up the "Brontes" question. There seems to be little information on him, even if you know he occurs during Greek mythology and that he was a cyclops. Certainly as you point out that Brontes can not follow Xolotl, as at several thousand years separates the two, with Brontes being the elder. I keep thinking that this reference must be from a D&D, or a video type game, as in general literature these are fairly obscure names. This would explain the odd paring of Xolotl and Brontes, as well as explain the false chronological order.
Mungosmungo
All in all, I would recommend not making allusions to video game characters, that just doesn't carry the weight of long established mythology. even the poorer writers understand that when one alludes to a character in Greek mythology, one is generally accessing an archetype. When one is alluding to a character from an obscure video game one is alluding to nothing. It would be the equivalent of me alluding to my dog, both are about equal weight.

Dale      

[tectak]

Kutomba,
Thanks for clearing up the "Brontes" question. There seems to be little information on him, even if you know he occurs during Greek mythology and that he was a cyclops. Certainly as you point out that Brontes can not follow Xolotl, as at several thousand years separates the two, with Brontes being the elder. I keep thinking that this reference must be from a D&D, or a video type game, as in general literature these are fairly obscure names. This would explain the odd paring of Xolotl and Brontes, as well as explain the false chronological order.
Mungosmungo
All in all, I would recommend not making allusions to video game characters, that just doesn't carry the weight of long established mythology. even the poorer writers understand that when one alludes to a character in Greek mythology, one is generally accessing an archetype. When one is alluding to a character from an obscure video game one is alluding to nothing. It would be the equivalent of me alluding to my dog, both are about equal weight.

Dale      

I only knew of Astrape...a racing greyhound I was once given a share in in lieu of remuneration. It never won a race.
The company I was a director of was Aztech Equipment Supplies...so a cock up there, as well.
Still, Bronte and Astrape would be moot....or more moot.
Best,
tectak

[QDeathstar]

I like this poem, the Brontes reference is there for the one eye like the eye of a hurricane, the monster or cyclops being the storm, maybe that is a bit clunky.


I love the "egg-yolk light drops through the sky" line, and I think it describes light pouring down from a hurricanes eye, through the mist, watery, like the clear part of the egg yolk.

It just needs one more line to anchor it, I think.