[split] cirrhosis (is the poem about the poet)

[ellajam]

Quite liked this - good/sad snapshot of the writer and some of his family.
As far as suggs:
I think you should remove the word "From" in: "from trying to become as yellow" - that way it's the cirrhosis that is trying to turn yellow - which gives it an evil personification of its own. Also seems like a lot of phrases at the end of the last sentence - to.. of.. in.. as.. I think you could end this with a short high-impact sentence to give it some finality - but may be just my personal preferences..
Good effort here! I love it when a writer does his/her work and thinks out every part.
Paul

Yes, it's a good/sad snapshot, but not necessarily of the writer and his/her family. We don't know what sparked the poet to write this, only whether or not we found it successful.

[paulcanuck]

Quite liked this - good/sad snapshot of the writer and some of his family.
As far as suggs:
I think you should remove the word "From" in: "from trying to become as yellow" - that way it's the cirrhosis that is trying to turn yellow - which gives it an evil personification of its own. Also seems like a lot of phrases at the end of the last sentence - to.. of.. in.. as.. I think you could end this with a short high-impact sentence to give it some finality - but may be just my personal preferences..
Good effort here! I love it when a writer does his/her work and thinks out every part.
Paul

Yes, it's a good/sad snapshot, but not necessarily of the writer and his/her family. We don't know what sparked the poet to write this, only whether or not we found it successful.

How is it not about the writer's family? He talks of his brother and his father...just saying
For the sake of all members who post here, there is a preferred stance regarding the content of work; it is never a good idea to "assume" veracity. Always consider that the writer is using imagination. It saves feelings and makes the playing field level. Just saying.
Mod

[ellajam]

I've split this off for discussion so as not to clutter the OP's thread.

Maybe the poet heard the word Magnum, or saw two brothers building models on TV., I don't know what went on in his mind to produce the poem, only that he wrote it and posted it for critique.

A poem about cutting doesn't mean the poet's a cutter. I guess the best example of this is all the suicide poems.

[azure]

Good point. The truth is in there somewhere.

[ellajam]

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15125-page-2.html
Here's another thread about this, and I'm sure there are more.

[azure]

For all the readers know I could have jacked this poem off some blog.... although that would require effort. Truth is stranger than fiction.

[ellajam]

As an amateur poet I find it difficult to write from a POV other than my own. I greatly admire poets, some on this site, that can do it so well. Why limit any art to our own immediate experience unless it's for lack of imagination or an unwillingness or inability to empathize with others?

[azure]

Poetry has the ability to encompass the collective, giving voice to the vast ocean of human experience. Great poetry has no POV because it is universal and is expressed so that all who read it immediately understand. Sometimes I find it difficult to break free from that innate selfishness of a young artist still struggling to ground himself and define his identity. However inexperienced, I still find that even the most egocentric art is vital simply for the fact that a reader might be able to relate, and take something away from the work itself. Live life, read poetry, try to write some of your own. Maybe it'll help someone, or not... (forgive my little ramble.)