Edit 1.02

Cirrhosis

I spent my summers
making model airplanes
with my brother, finishing off
cold beers with him, out of sight
in spite of the fact he had cirrhosis
trying to become as yellow
as the moon in late October.

James just stayed in his room
and chain smoked while
dad was dying – wishing he had
a new Chevy and a .44 magnum
to brave the shattered landscape
of that trailer in New Mexico;
five years old and left to die.

In truth, he's still that little boy;
abandoned – terrorized –
trembling alone eternally in a world
devoid of color.

Edit 1.01 (ellajam)

Cirrhosis

I spent my summers
making model airplanes
with my brother, finishing off
cold beers with him out of sight,
in spite of the fact he had cirrhosis
trying to become as yellow
as the moon in late October.

James just stayed in his room
and chain smoked while
dad was dying – wishing he had
a new Chevy and a .44 magnum
to brave the shattered landscape
of that trailer in New Mexico.
A little boy abandoned for days
in a world drained of color.


Original

Cirrhosis

I spent my summers
making model airplanes
with my brother, finishing off
cold beers with him out of sight,
in spite of the fact he had cirrhosis,
from trying to become as yellow
as the moon in late October.

James just stayed in his room,
and chain smoked while
dad was dying – wishing he had
a new Chevy and a .44 magnum,
to brave the shattered landscape
of being abandoned as little boy
in a trailer for five days as
the world was drained of color.

Quite liked this - good/sad snapshot of the writer and some of his family.
As far as suggs:
I think you should remove the word "From" in: "from trying to become as yellow" - that way it's the cirrhosis that is trying to turn yellow - which gives it an evil personification of its own. Also seems like a lot of phrases at the end of the last sentence - to.. of.. in.. as.. I think you could end this with a short high-impact sentence to give it some finality - but may be just my personal preferences..
Good effort here! I love it when a writer does his/her work and thinks out every part.
Paul

Hi, some notes:

(11-28-2014, 09:40 PM)azure Wrote:  Cirrhosis

I spent my summers
making model airplanes
with my brother, finishing off
cold beers with him out of sight, Strong image.
in spite of the fact he had cirrhosis, You might drop this comma and/or the one above, and the "from" below.
from trying to become as yellow
as the moon in late October. Again, strong image.

James just stayed in his room,
and chain smoked while
dad was dying – wishing he had
a new Chevy and a .44 magnum, Nice detachment.
to brave the shattered landscape Possibly a period, and see final note.
of being abandoned as little boy
in a trailer for five days as
the world was drained of color.
I'd like some rearrangement of the last three lines to put more stress on abandoned and avoid the break on "as".

Good read, thanks for posting it.

(11-28-2014, 10:04 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, some notes:

(11-28-2014, 09:40 PM)azure Wrote:  Cirrhosis

I spent my summers
making model airplanes
with my brother, finishing off
cold beers with him out of sight, Strong image.
in spite of the fact he had cirrhosis, You might drop this comma and/or the one above, and the "from" below.
from trying to become as yellow
as the moon in late October. Again, strong image.

James just stayed in his room,
and chain smoked while
dad was dying – wishing he had
a new Chevy and a .44 magnum, Nice detachment.
to brave the shattered landscape Possibly a period, and see final note.
of being abandoned as little boy
in a trailer for five days as
the world was drained of color.
I'd like some rearrangement of the last three lines to put more stress on abandoned and avoid the break on "as".

Good read, thanks for posting it.

Thanks for the critique, gonna go edit now.

(11-28-2014, 10:04 PM)paulcanuck Wrote:  Quite liked this - good/sad snapshot of the writer and some of his family.
As far as suggs:
I think you should remove the word "From" in: "from trying to become as yellow" - that way it's the cirrhosis that is trying to turn yellow - which gives it an evil personification of its own. Also seems like a lot of phrases at the end of the last sentence - to.. of.. in.. as.. I think you could end this with a short high-impact sentence to give it some finality - but may be just my personal preferences..
Good effort here! I love it when a writer does his/her work and thinks out every part.
Paul

Thank you for your suggestions and comments. I might just consider adding a 'high-impact' ending line.

(11-28-2014, 11:05 PM)paulcanuck Wrote:  

(11-28-2014, 11:00 PM)ellajam Wrote:  

(11-28-2014, 10:04 PM)paulcanuck Wrote:  Quite liked this - good/sad snapshot of the writer and some of his family.
As far as suggs:
I think you should remove the word "From" in: "from trying to become as yellow" - that way it's the cirrhosis that is trying to turn yellow - which gives it an evil personification of its own. Also seems like a lot of phrases at the end of the last sentence - to.. of.. in.. as.. I think you could end this with a short high-impact sentence to give it some finality - but may be just my personal preferences..
Good effort here! I love it when a writer does his/her work and thinks out every part.
Paul

Yes, it's a good/sad snapshot, but not necessarily of the writer and his/her family. We don't know what sparked the poet to write this, only whether or not we found it successful.

How is it not about the writer's family? He talks of his brother and his father...just saying  

For the sake of all members who post here, there is a preferred stance regarding the content of work; it is never a good idea to "assume" veracity. Always consider that the writer is using imagination. It saves feelings and makes the playing field level. Just saying.
Mod

(11-28-2014, 11:13 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(11-28-2014, 11:05 PM)paulcanuck Wrote:  

(11-28-2014, 11:00 PM)ellajam Wrote:  Yes, it's a good/sad snapshot, but not necessarily of the writer and his/her family. We don't know what sparked the poet to write this, only whether or not we found it successful.

How is it not about the writer's family? He talks of his brother and his father...just saying  

For the sake of all members who post here, there is a preferred stance regarding the content of work; it is never a good idea to "assume" veracity. Always consider that the writer is using imagination. It saves feelings and makes the playing field level. Just saying.
Mod  

gotcha - my bad - newbie excuse (before they run out)