Chemo

[azure]

Edit One

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
masturbation
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
and a farewell swig
of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.


Original Post


My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
baby oil truancy
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
And a farewell swig
Of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.

[billy]

i see the poem has no punctuation and thats fine. saying that i struggle a little bit soon into the first stanza. a suggestion would be to use a line space where you want the main pause to be. i think it's the baby oil truancy that's throwing me a curve ball the 2nd stanza posed no such problem. i enjoyed the enjambment  and the originality. i felt like i was voyeur looking into to someones troubles. for me, being allowed into a poem is a major plus. while there was an underlying sadness in the poem, it didn't come across as morbid...which i also liked

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating for some reason i keep turning debating mass into masturbating
mass murder over good [m's]
baby oil truancy this and the line below cause me to stop to long (i have no idea what baby oil truancy is, i thought it was (my dad wasn't there for me when i was a kid) but still struggled with it)
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion good [c's]
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
And a farewell swig
Of Fireball found this is my fave line. it's a sort of culmination of the experience with dad and the enjambment feels spot on.
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt. i love the matter of fact ending.

[azure]

i see the poem has no punctuation and thats fine. saying that i struggle a little bit soon into the first stanza. a suggestion would be to use a line space where you want the main pause to be. i think it's the baby oil truancy that's throwing me a curve ball the 2nd stanza posed no such problem. i enjoyed the enjambment  and the originality. i felt like i was voyeur looking into to someones troubles. for me, being allowed into a poem is a major plus. while there was an underlying sadness in the poem, it didn't come across as morbid...which i also liked

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating for some reason i keep turning debating mass into masturbating
mass murder over good [m's]
baby oil truancy this and the line below cause me to stop to long (i have no idea what baby oil truancy is, i thought it was (my dad wasn't there for me when i was a kid) but still struggled with it)
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion good [c's]
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
And a farewell swig
Of Fireball found this is my fave line. it's a sort of culmination of the experience with dad and the enjambment feels spot on.
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt. i love the matter of fact ending.

Thanks for your critique billy. The 'baby oil truancy' is a reference to, well... skipping school to jack off with my favorite lube (what can I say, I was a well intentioned lad). I'm thinking of how to change the format a bit. I suck a implementing a decent format.

[billy]

i think the format is okay, the wanking was just a little too ambiguous in my reading.

[just mercedes]

I really like the way your poem understates its story. The humour of the first few lines really sets up the 'chemo cushion' and the contrast is huge, and very effective.


Edit One

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
masturbation
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry (I want to see this in italics)
while letting him wither (I'm not convinced 'letting' is the best word here)
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew. (lots and lots of 'ing' going on)

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
and a farewell swig
of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt. (such a simple ending, very effective! brought it all the way around to the
beginning)

Good poem, I enjoyed the read, thanks for posting!

[cjchaffin]

hi azure. there's a lot to like about this. it's raw, it's honest, it hits hard without apology. i like that a lot in a poem. 

that being said, the first strophe is riddled with -ing endings, present participles that i think could be whittled out in favor of more concrete past tense verbs. 

the second strophe is much stronger and really gut-wrenching. 

the lack of punctuation doesn't bother me much, but i do find myself having to read certain sections repeatedly 
so that i can fully grasp the phrasing, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, it just would be easier if there were a few commas here and there 

Edit One

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
masturbation
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry <--maybe put in italics to separate it from the rest of the narrative?
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
and a farewell swig
of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.


Original Post


My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
baby oil truancy
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
And a farewell swig
Of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.