The Hungry General

[paranoid marvin]

A poem I wrote some time ago in the style of Kipling's Barrack-Room Ballads and inspired by Sassoon's 'The General'. Again , any comments are welcomed

The Hungry General

'E readies us for battle
'E's made us fit an' lean
So we can raise the standard 'igh
For Country, God and Queen

'E marches us to battle
'E says we're like 'is sons
But once the shells begin to fly
'E's nowhere near the guns

'E sends us into battle
'E's yet to 'ave 'is fill
So we must go on fighting 'til
We've paid 'is butcher's bill

[MajestyApollo]

Hi Marvin!

The positives first then:

The rhythm is very strong: 3 stressed syllables in lines 1, 2 and 4 of each stanza and repeating themes (the first line of each stanza being about battle, for example) throughout give the poem a great feel. I can imagine a bunch of soldiers trudging through the fields or hunkered down together with a drink bitterly chanting this song.

The rhyme scheme and the rhymes themselves, while being a little simple, work effectively and don't feel too forced for the most part. I'd potentially like to see some more subtlty rather than the blunt monosyllabic thing you've got going on, but then it might lose some of its everyman quality which gives it that great chanting feel. It's a tricky balance to strike.

I also enjoy that you've tried to convey a regional accent, but I think you might have missed the mark. Which leads me to the negatives.

The regional accent is present but doesn't really have an identity. Other than skipping the 'h' sounds and one 'd' you haven't really created a particular voice or accent that I can hear in my head. The vast majority of accents in the UK h-drop, so this could be almost anything from a broad Yorkshireman to a Scouser or somebody from Essex. Maybe this was intended so as to represent a large portion of the soldiers of (assumedly) the Great War, but I personally don't think that's the way to go with a poem like this. Either fully present a particular regional accent, or don't bother at all. Furthermore, the accent is inconsistent - you drop a 'd' in the first 'and' (in line 2) but then leave it in for the second one (in line 4).

To say the topic is a well trodden path would be an underestimation, but for a novice it's excusable. I would warn against going down such familiar routes as possible though; only the very best poets seem to be able to pull them off nowadays.

So my advice (if you choose to accept it):

+ Keep that rhythm, it's great and integral to the identity of the poem
+ Expand on the 'everyman' tone and voice that you have already begun to present - how you do this is up to you
+/- Potentially try to work in some more subtle rhymes - this may not work but it could be worth some experimentation before writing it off
- Either drop the regional accent entirely or give it a solid and consistent identity, where it recognisably rings through every word
- Avoid generic topics in future

I hope this helps. I'm sorry if I appear too critical - I did enjoy the poem but I like to push people

[gypsyrose]

I actually like the poem the way it is. Beautifully done.

[Brownlie]

I'll be honest, I haven't read much Kipling. However, the white man's burden was a little off-putting to me (though others like it). This is not bad though.

A poem I wrote some time ago in the style of Kipling's Barrack-Room Ballads and inspired by Sassoon's 'The General'. Again , any comments are welcomed

The Hungry General

'E readies us for battle
'E's made us fit an' lean
So we can raise the standard 'igh
For Country, God and Queen  -- Is there still a place where a queen has political power?

'E marches us to battle
'E says we're like 'is sons
But once the shells begin to fly
'E's nowhere near the guns

'E sends us into battle
'E's yet to 'ave 'is fill
So we must go on fighting 'til
We've paid 'is butcher's bill

I like the bit about the hungry figure and the way it ties in to a butcher's bill. It's something to consider focusing on more I suppose. You could also put in punctuation and change the caps. 

[paranoid marvin]

Thanks guys.

[nb]

Hi Paranoid Marvin!

I like it on two levels.

If the hungry general is some Victorian cluck, it works, I like it.

If the hungry general is God Himself, it works even more & I like it even more.

Have yourself an IPA!

nb

[vagabond]

A poem I wrote some time ago in the style of Kipling's Barrack-Room Ballads and inspired by Sassoon's 'The General'. Again , any comments are welcomed

The Hungry General

'E readies us for battle
'E's made us fit an' lean
So we can raise the standard 'igh
For Country, God and Queen

'E marches us to battle
'E says we're like 'is sons
But once the shells begin to fly
'E's nowhere near the guns

'E sends us into battle     
'E's yet to 'ave 'is fill
So we must go on fighting 'til
We've paid 'is butcher's bill

this one can be read fluently. Have no changes for any better to offer besides I´d also fill in the missing H´s. 
Very clear message. Somehow I see soldiers singing this one like an ironical battle song as they part to the front.
and now i will go to youtube and listen to dylan´s masters of war

[Filíocht]

Well first of all that was top notch if I do say so, thoroughly enjoyed that. Concise yet devoid of sentimentality. A manly poem for men!
The metre and rhyming scheme again, loved it, will be saving this.

[Rustymetal]

I think the E's don't really make a particular accent come to mind but I think they make an earlier time come to mind. My grandfather never spoke about the war he fought in but for some reason your poem brought him to mind. Maybe the manner of speech. I liked this poem, nice and simple and easy to understand. I really like the butchers bill line.

[Erthona]

PM,

As others have said, I also find the fake accent disturbing. I think it could be a problem as it is distracting. It either needs to be dumped or fixed. Try reading poems that have something like the accent you envision. Unless you are used to working with dialects it is the best way. Generally you have to hear a dialect and have a trained enough ear to pick up all the little differences and then someway translate it onto paper, which is probably the most difficult part. Other than that there is nothing glaring I would note. I like the jaundice and cynical modes that the narrator puts into his observations. It has that aspect of gallows humor. Someone said this was well traveled ground and it is. However if the material is fresh enough this doesn't matter. In the case of this poem, it seems the writer is mimicking something else rather than actually create something all his own. Mimicking is an excellent way to learn things as long as the person isn't deluded and understands that they are taking the same tune and just rewriting the words.

Dale .

[RiverNotch]

A poem I wrote some time ago in the style of Kipling's Barrack-Room Ballads and inspired by Sassoon's 'The General'. Again , any comments are welcomed

The Hungry General

'E readies us for battle
'E's made us fit an' lean
So we can raise the standard 'igh
For Country, God and Queen

'E marches us to battle
'E says we're like 'is sons
But once the shells begin to fly
'E's nowhere near the guns

'E sends us into battle I feel like "send us into battle" is a plain repeat of "marches us to battle". I mean, when you actually engage the enemy (in the sort of skirmish you're showing here), don't you march into your lines first? I sort of get what you mean here, I think, another battle and all that, but this line doesn't really show that very well.
'E's yet to 'ave 'is fill
So we must go on fighting 'til
We've paid 'is butcher's bill

Other than that, it's all fair. I'm quite charmed by it. Although I would like to see you add a stanza showing what the general did right after a battle, like some sort of ridiculous victory speech or act of apathy or something.

[Brenkin]

I do enjoy the whimsicality and character the poem has. However I do agree with the others when they say that the accent needs to be refined a bit, or dropped altogether. It does seem like your trying to evoke a certain time period with this poem (maybe it's just me), however you need to keep that accent consistent throughout the poem.

I really like the rhythm of this one, though the rhyme is a bit rudimentary (lean/Queen, sons/guns, fill/bill). Perhaps your trying to paint a portrait of a rather uneducated soldier, which could explain the simplicity of the rhyme.

As a whole, I like the poem. As I said before to me it evokes a certain time period, and I enjoyed it.