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Awake in his flame,
Like lucid dreaming in hell
Intoxicating, a fragrance trapped in brain cells,
Sweet torment she won't let go of.
Unending visions -- waltz on swirls of passion
Fatigued soul falling in darkness
Desperate sightlessness
Fingers fumbling for his hand, only to be seared
by molten betrayals.
Moments shared, togetherness -- chanting
demons in saints' clothes,
Drinking from bruises on the heart, blood of
dignity.
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it's very hard to get a clear picture of whats going on. most of what's written has no reference to anything else. allow the reader to latch onto something solid. show us why, how, when, where, who with etc. build images. use poetic devices. move away from cliches like
Intoxicating, a fragrance
Sweet torment
Moments shared
what is blood of dignity, who's dignity?
Posts: 55
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2014
Thanks, working on it. And does this line sound odd?
Drinking from bruises on the heart, blood of
dignity.
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(09-17-2014, 02:40 AM)zahrakh Wrote: Thanks, working on it. And does this line sound odd?
Drinking from bruises on the heart, blood of
dignity.
Yes, there appears to be no subject.
Posts: 55
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ummm...is that all, Brownlie?
Posts: 574
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(09-17-2014, 04:41 PM)zahrakh Wrote: ummm...is that all, Brownlie?
Well, there also appears to be a dangling modifier which may make the sentence more confusing.
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(09-15-2014, 04:19 PM)zahrakh Wrote: Awake in his flame,
Like lucid dreaming in hell
Intoxicating, a fragrance trapped in brain cells,
Sweet torment she won't let go of.
Unending visions -- waltz on swirls of passion
Fatigued soul falling in darkness
Desperate sightlessness
Fingers fumbling for his hand, only to be seared
by molten betrayals.
Moments shared, togetherness -- chanting
demons in saints' clothes,
Drinking from bruises on the heart, blood of
dignity.
It is a little hard to get the clear picture of whats happening. Poetry that is well structured and divided usually makes the rhymes sound better than the mixed up whole lot. your writing seems to have a surging flow to it, that is to say it does not sound smooth. so it might need a little smoothening on the edges. Also, the check out some spelling issues. " I didn't get the meaning of the last line.. Drinking from bruises on the heart, blood of dignity. sounds like a nice line though.
