Empire

[kliS]

Fatigue sets like KFC grease
on scratched out mice and keyboard canyons
filled with cornflakes and crisp crumbs, the
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.

They sank their body deep
into their swivel chair unswivelling, jeans
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its best
and yet so little to alleviate the
day/night's wear between the
five minute breaks they take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his
can-pyramid empire.

Obsession manifests in not some fire,
but the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan,
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans quotas dreams
expectations of more hopeful days.
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--
not on hope but slow cooking suicide
like cigarettes smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight. "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.

[just mercedes]

Hi - there's a lot in your poem! I'll come back soon and have a closer look, but on a quick read-through two things stood out for me - there's a tense change present/past/present, and also some confusion for me between they/his.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello and welcome. I like most of this on first read. I will try to make some notes below.

Fatigue sets like KFC grease
on scratched out mice and keyboard canyons
filled with cornflakes and crisp crumbs, theAs a brand, I think you have to cap "Cornflakes" or make it two words.
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.

They sank their body deepbodies?
into their swivel chair unswivelling, jeansjeans/impressions is awkward and a little ambiguous. Maybe denim?
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its bestflat pancakes is a little cliche, even if you squish them.
and yet so little to alleviate the
day/night's wear between the
five minute breaks they take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his
can-pyramid empire.

Obsession manifests in not some fire, "not in fire"
but the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan,
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans quotas dreams comma, comma, comma
expectations of more hopeful days.
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--probably don't need "now"
not on hope but slow cooking suicide
like cigarettes smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight. "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.

I hope at least some of that is helpful. Thanks for sharing. - Paul

[gernseeker]

Fatigue sets like KFC grease
on scratched out mice and keyboard canyons
filled with cornflakes and crisp crumbs, the
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.

They sank their body deep
into their swivel chair unswivelling, jeans
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its best
and yet so little to alleviate the
day/night's wear between the
five minute breaks they take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his
can-pyramid empire.

Obsession manifests in not some fire,
but the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan,
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans quotas dreams
expectations of more hopeful days.
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--
not on hope but slow cooking suicide
like cigarettes smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight. "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.

Kris - fantastic. really really good.

As said by others - some tense issues - maybe "he" instead of "they"?

pancakes does ring a little odd - you can find better. The pillows are a failed but still trying support system for his laziness - there's a metaphor there somewhere.

soldiers doesn't feel right - stray and forgotten friends maybe?

maybe "jean-stitching etched onto the ...."

"slow cooked"? instead of slow cooking maybe.

cigarette instead of cigarettes?


Nicely done!

[kliS]

Thanks everyone.

The his is a typo. I didn't want to use hers it didn't sit well with me, so I changed to his, and then to they (as in singular they, if you're not familiar, it's a genderqueerness thing) so that's just me not changing it properly. It's just a personal thing I think. I didn't actually know cornflakes is only a brand and cannot be a generic word, I think I'll probably split it in two as I do want emphasis on the "flake" part of it and making it Cornflakes I think removes some of that imagery.

wrt:

""not in fire""

"comma, comma, comma"

"probably don't need "now""

In these specific cases I intentionally had it that way knowing it's not the most grammatically standard or clear, but I feel like it fits with the emotion/tension I want to portray most, but I do often reread it and try to change it up. I kind of like it the way it is though. I guess it's the same reason I said "I kind of like" instead of "I like it the way it is", I suppose projecting weakness and uncertainty is a preferred trait with me if that says anything.

You're right jeans doesn't sound quite right, thanks. And yes I actually like squished pancakes as an imagery in its own I feel like it does bring up the imagery, but it definitely feels out of place in the poem so I'll think of something else.

Thanks again.

[ellajam]

I'm pretty sure cornflakes the way you have it is fine.

corn·flakes noun plural \-ˌflāks\
: toasted flakes made from kernels of corn (sense 1) and used as a breakfast cereal

[crow]

kliS,

very polished response I'll knock out a proofread for you real quick, and I hope it's fine w you that I'm not bracketing my edits you'll just need to look at the orig side-by-side w my comments.

crow

also, I have thoughts about the content, but I'm not sure they aren't reduplicative (cool word, right?) w others' notes.

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Nm--I bracketed the changes after all haha

Empire

Fatigue sets [in] like KFC grease
--you want to avoid "sets in" regarding "like KFC grease," but to omit "in" is a usage error.
--as an aide to rewriting, I think the KFC simile is a bit contorted . . . Meaning, you could prolly change it to fix the usage issue

on scratched[-]out mice and keyboard canyons
--gulches?
filled with cornflakes and crisp[y] crumbs, the
stray and forgotten soldiers of
previous nights and months.
--confusing. The sense is that the crumbs fell off of fried chicken and into the space between keyboard keys. So, I understand "stray," but not "forgotten" or "soldiers," and "previous nights and months" a appears redundant with the idea of them falling into place between the keys. That is, if you were to say, "old crumbs," it'd get the idea across. You don't need to specify a calendar period.

They sank their bod[ies] deep
into their swivel chair[,] unswivelling[kill the comma?] jeans['s][not sure about the need or styling of the possessive apostrophe there . . .]
impressions etched onto the pillow there, flat like
squished pancakes, doing its [its? I can't find a sensible singular referent. Should it be "their"?] best[,]
and yet so little[,] to alleviate the
day/night's [surely, there's a more elegant way to say day/night] wear between the
five[-]minute breaks they [they?] take to stretch and
grab another soda for the creation
and expansion of his [as noted re "his"]
can-pyramid [pyramid-can?] empire.

Obsession manifests in[as?] not some fire,
[extremely awkward]
but [in?] the oddly inconsistent
drone of the laptop's fan, ["oddly inconsistent" is weak. describe it, don't make me try to figure it out]
the machine not quite overheating as they're
not quite meeting the plans['] quotas['] dreams[']
expectations of more hopeful days.
--the above, from the opening of the stanza to here, is baffling. I'll try to rephrase: "obsession, which might otherwise manifest as some fire, manifests instead in the fact that the laptop is near breaking, and it's near breaking because it's overheating, as two entities are failing to meet old expectations"?
Yet no failure is enough to persuade them[,]
when, with no alternatives, it's
become too late to now give up--
--awkward, strained, and redundant. This part says, "with no alternatives, there aren't alternatives anymore, and giving up is not an alternative"

not on hope but [on?] slow[-]cooking suicide[,]
like cigarette[no "s"] smoke drifting
from the patio
between breaks of daylight [cut "day," and I think you want, simply, "shafts of light".] "God's
in his heaven." All's
right.

--the ending is jarring. We go from the pessimism of suicide and atmospheric smoke to the overwhelming joy if God in his Heaven, and I'm not sure how . . .

---

kliS,

My comments are probably pretty murky, here, so let me know what needs clarification good work here,

crow

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--btw, just so you can believe me on the "good work," I only edit things I like

---

Last thing, sorry--"squished pancakes" is redundant. That's the problem folks're having