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* help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22
Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders,
surrounding corner court crackling,
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg
and squirm they radiantly like black sun.
The record spins abandoned,
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.
Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall,
the kids scream louder now-
she slowly understands
outside is calling for more.
//
The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly,
he smiles.
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase
into the evening’s sad tranquility
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(07-06-2014, 08:09 PM)Alexearth Wrote: * help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22
I'll do my best 
Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders, I can see (hear?) what you're trying to say here, but opening with an adjective/adverb immediately loses any sense of connection with the reader - generally, they should be avoided, but of course, use your own judgment. Verbs and nouns should be the basis of your work.
surrounding corner court crackling, Obvious alliteration is obvious - don't feel pressed to do so in threes all the time
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg bundle of arm hair leg? Poetry still needs to make sense when read!
and squirm they radiantly like black sun. squirm they radiantly, same deal as above
To be honest, for me, this verse adds nothing much to what you say next
The record spins abandoned,
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs So some sort of musical theme?
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.
Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall,
the kids scream louder now-
she slowly understands
outside is calling for more. These ideas, to me, feel disjointed. Find some common theme and elaborate instead of jumping around?
//
The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly,
he smiles.
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase
into the evening’s sad tranquility
I think, going forward, you should try to paint a clear picture of what you're actually talking about from the start. Even coming to the end, I don't really know what you're talking about - it's still a little vague. Also, don't be scared to use some type of meter or form - you'd be surprised how much more it engages a reader rather than a smattering of words about the page!
But definitely keep at it! Hope I could help in some small way
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(07-06-2014, 08:09 PM)Alexearth Wrote: * help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22
Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders, how can a rattle shudder?
surrounding corner court crackling, what is surrounding "court crackling", the "fence shudders"?
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg arm hair leg?
and squirm they radiantly like black sun. "squirm they" why the reverse syntax?
The record spins abandoned, how do you "spin abandoned"?
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.
Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall, what "who" knocks on wall?
the kids scream louder now- now? as opposed to?
she slowly understands L16 - does she understand the 3 preceding lines, or the one that follows
outside is calling for more. more what?
// what's this suppose to mean? It generally stands for inches.
The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died the phrase "The day flew painfully" is devoid of meaning
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly, who is "assuredly"
he smiles. poor use of enjambment
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase L22 - remove "freely", it adds nothing to the line
into the evening’s sad tranquility period? This is about the only sentence (?) that makes sense in this poem.
Yeah...a lot of dependent clauses strung together makes little sense, and transmits even less meaning.
Sorry there is not a lot positive I can find to comment on.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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SilverMire, Dale, thanks a lot for your help. Yes I know, this poem needs work and I can't personally say it's finished, this is why I needed strong feedback.
Alex
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(07-06-2014, 08:09 PM)Alexearth Wrote: * help on this one is welcome, especially for line 16 and 22
Silvery rattle of chain link fence shudders,
surrounding corner court crackling,
awake the souls from early antics
buried in bundle of arm hair leg
and squirm they radiantly like black sun.
The record spins abandoned,
old king frets; crystal bottles and tabs
on cinder block tables-
head slightly tilted to the left
through curtains of smoke,
he makes her laugh, lights another cigarette.
Sizzling of eggs on stove and
knocks on the wall,
the kids scream louder now-
she slowly understands
outside is calling for more.
//
The day flew painfully and the incessant chattering died
she puts her rings back on,
assuredly,
he smiles.
They stumble freely down the feeble staircase
into the evening’s sad tranquility
I'm not sure where you wanted to go with this poem. It seemed to jump around a bit for me ( but I am a beginner). I would suggest thinking about what your theme is and make sure everything points back to that & provide some visuals to help the reader.
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I don't think the imagery or auditory "image?" was clear enough. As others have pointed out, some of the images/sound combinations, i.e. "rattle of chain link fence shudders" rattle and shudder, court crackling, squirm radiantly... they don't give me a clear image of what i'm supposed to be seeing/hearing. Because of that it falls a bit flat for me; I can't connect to it. The beginning doesn't draw me in and I'm not sure what's happening until toward the end.
That said, I love the last stanza. Esp. the line, "Stumble freely down the feeble staircase/ into the evening's sad tranquility"
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