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I hear the mysterious langloon
fowering in the Doon
fapping about it's slippery feet
o'er sparkling moss, rocks,
the thickened wool of peat
The day stretches back as if she'll never retire
Gribble and gorse entice Mustang horses
caring neither for
shed nor hay.
While iridescent beetles draw sinewy lines,
they polish their way through dust and grime.
Why would the clementines seem so dour?
The sandpiper pale as a willow bud?
The dense black earth is brownly reposing under
spears of yellowing light.
The river has colored rings embedded, then bursts
into mirrors like flowers.
June 2014
Posts: 1,325
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Hi, Poe, while there are lines I really like here, I've been finding it difficult to critique because there's so much I can't make sense of. Here are some notes.
(06-07-2014, 02:42 AM)poe Wrote: I hear the mysterious langloon
fowering in the Doon
fapping about it's slippery feet
o'er sparkling moss, rocks,
the thickened wool of peat
I like the sound of this but can't define langloon or fowering, iffy on the Doon and did you mean fapping? If any of these are typos please correct, if not I'm lost.
The day stretches back as if she'll never retire
For me stretching back and retiring go together, so I'm not sure what this means.
Gribble and gorse entice Mustang horses
caring neither for
shed nor hay.
Love the gribble and gorse, maybe a comma after horses.
While iridescent beetles draw sinewy lines,
they polish their way through dust and grime.
I'm not sure you need the While, nice image.
Why would the clementines seem so dour?
The sandpiper pale as a willow bud?
The dense black earth is brownly reposing under
spears of yellowing light.
The river has colored rings embedded, then bursts
into mirrors like flowers.
I can't quite get any of the above, not a fan of brownly.
June 2014
So much of this whooshed right over my head, but I'd love to see you work on it a bit. Thanks for the read.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(06-07-2014, 02:42 AM)poe Wrote: Hi Poe: a shallow body of water, near shore; I can't say I understand this but the sound is so enticing to immagination, esp. the 1st stanza. That leaves me guessing how the rest of the poem relates. Thanks for the read, Loretta
I hear the mysterious langloon
fowering in the Doon
fapping about it's slippery feet
o'er sparkling moss, rocks,
the thickened wool of peat
The day stretches back as if she'll never retire
Gribble and gorse entice Mustang horses
caring neither for
shed nor hay.
While iridescent beetles draw sinewy lines,
they polish their way through dust and grime.
Why would the clementines seem so dour?
The sandpiper pale as a willow bud?
The dense black earth is brownly reposing under
spears of yellowing light.
The river has colored rings embedded, then bursts
into mirrors like flowers.
June 2014
Posts: 65
Threads: 23
Joined: Apr 2014
Thanks for the critiques! I will keep working on this.
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Joined: Dec 2016
I have no idea what "langloon" is, or "fowering" ditto 'fapping".
I think I would footnote "Doon" as that is a little obscure.
"gorse" I can see but "gribble" makes no sense to me,
in this context.
It's kind of difficult to get much from the poem with some many words that are either misspelled, misused, or obscure. Plus most of your two liners don't seem connected to the rest of the poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
