Abstruse

[71degrees]

Mother was afraid
she might go to hell;
never a real believer,
she faced mornings
like she faced father,
with sharp pins in her hair.
Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes,
her worn towels, shoes
she wanted but could not afford —
she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights.

[Erthona]

L3 would so better as a new sentence. I think the wording obviates the need to use a semi-colon. I think maybe a line breaks after L6. Maybe end the sentence at L11, unless "a blind cry away from morning" refers to what follows, rather than to sleep. Not really sure what you mean by "a blind cry" either. If it remains a sentence I would use em dashes at beginning and end of, "a blind cry away from morning". If not begin sentence at L12 "Thinking about..." also a new sentence at L15. The middle section is confusing.

"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes..."

Does she awake from a nightmare (this was mt first reading) or does she simply wake up, and begin ruminating on these things causing her to cry. "Blind cry" is still problematic for me.

These lines seem unnecessarily ambiguous:

"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."

Does that mean in the future her children are successful? She's in hell, and they're in heaven?"

For me the poem is more "Abstruse" than the subject of it. She seems like a normal woman/mother, nothing about her seems difficult to understand. She was raised in a religion that scared a person with hell. Intellectually she no longer believes in it, but has yet to overcome the programing. This describes a lot of people. She wants a better lot in life and thinks that getting it will make her happy. Again nothing out of the ordinary.

The poem is poignant no doubt, but does not seem to live up to the title. I don't usually take exception to titles, but here I will. Primarily titles don't give much insight into the poem, but in this instance it appears as though it will, but on the whole seems more contradictory than anything.

Dale

[71degrees]

L3 would so better as a new sentence. I think the wording obviates the need to use a semi-colon. I think maybe a line breaks after L6. Maybe end the sentence at L11, unless "a blind cry away from morning" refers to what follows, rather than to sleep. Not really sure what you mean by "a blind cry" either. If it remains a sentence I would use em dashes at beginning and end of, "a blind cry away from morning". If not begin sentence at L12 "Thinking about..." also a new sentence at L15. The middle section is confusing.

"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes..."

Does she awake from a nightmare (this was mt first reading) or does she simply wake up, and begin ruminating on these things causing her to cry. "Blind cry" is still problematic for me.

These lines seem unnecessarily ambiguous:

"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."

Does that mean in the future her children are successful? She's in hell, and they're in heaven?"

For me the poem is more "Abstruse" than the subject of it. She seems like a normal woman/mother, nothing about her seems difficult to understand. She was raised in a religion that scared a person with hell. Intellectually she no longer believes in it, but has yet to overcome the programing. This describes a lot of people. She wants a better lot in life and thinks that getting it will make her happy. Again nothing out of the ordinary.

The poem is poignant no doubt, but does not seem to live up to the title. I don't usually take exception to titles, but here I will. Primarily titles don't give much insight into the poem, but in this instance it appears as though it will, but on the whole seems more contradictory than anything.

Dale

Your critiques are always entertaining. I appreciate your time here. I do. The line 3 comment makes sense. And believe it or not, I originally had a line break after 6 but decided against it. Will re-think formatting.

What she "seems" like is not the point of the poem, but it obviously gave you cause to respond so I respect your opinions.

And I take it you don't like the title Again, thanks, Dale

[UnclePedro]

Hi 71degrees

I think Dale covered a lot of the editing and interpretations of a new reader very well, so I echo a lot of his critiques, but have a few more suggestions for you. I personally like the title 'Abstruse'. I see where Dale is coming from, but I interpret the title more as something that is describing the author's perception of the main character in this poem, i.e. Mother was difficult to understand. Moving on, the semicolon on L2 could probably be replaced with a period for a more demanding intro to the poem. As with Dale, I don't understand the phrase 'blind cry' either, but I may sort of see what you were getting at. Perhaps you could use 'deafened cry' instead? Lastly, I really like the last lines:

"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."

For me, I understand this to mean that the mother felt the children were distant from her or 'looked down' on her.

Wow, really this poem is already amazing! Love it, write more!

-UnclePedro

[71degrees]

Hi 71degrees

I think Dale covered a lot of the editing and interpretations of a new reader very well, so I echo a lot of his critiques, but have a few more suggestions for you. I personally like the title 'Abstruse'. I see where Dale is coming from, but I interpret the title more as something that is describing the author's perception of the main character in this poem, i.e. Mother was difficult to understand. Moving on, the semicolon on L2 could probably be replaced with a period for a more demanding intro to the poem. As with Dale, I don't understand the phrase 'blind cry' either, but I may sort of see what you were getting at. Perhaps you could use 'deafened cry' instead? Lastly, I really like the last lines:

"she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."

For me, I understand this to mean that the mother felt the children were distant from her or 'looked down' on her.

Wow, really this poem is already amazing! Love it, write more!

-UnclePedro

Thanks, UPedro. I guess the key phrase here is, "....to me..." A poem or image should mean something different to every reader. I like your take very much. Not sure about "deafened" cry. I hunt. A "blind" cry has multiple meanings to hunters. So does "cry." But maybe not to (non)hunters. Or something like that Again, thanks.

[poe]

Mother was afraid
she might go to hell;
never a real believer,
she faced mornings
like she faced father,
with sharp pins in her hair.
Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes,
her worn towels, shoes
she wanted but could not afford —
she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights.

I too found "blind cry" vexing. I like that you use the word "believe®",
twice, and I come to think this is very significant to the whole piece. So upon some reflection, then, "blind cry" which brings to mind,a far cry, is meant to vex, and perhaps quite important to the whole. Notice how it comes almost exactly in the middle of the poem. The last two lines come as the intermittent respite to her inability to believe.
poe

[LorettaYoung]

Yes, the introduction of belief twice is possibly important; how much definition do you give to this. The cry; I see a silent cry as more evocative; within all of the discontent she does dream however, if meant this way; that she dreams of her children above; not suffering her losses; perhaps her most important dream. Nice reading, Loretta

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, I like this a lot and really have no issue with anything here.

I like the opening, it evokes the depressed half-believer who doesn't have faith in heaven to balance out fear of hell. The sharp pins in her hair stop me every time, but I've come to read it as someone who doesn't allow the comfort of even the stroking of her hair. For me the blind cry is reflex fear of coming awake in discomfort. I like the list of what she chooses to dwell on, and the moving van. The ending for me reinforces the separation she feels from everything, even her own children.

So, no quarrel from me today.

Mother was afraid
she might go to hell;
never a real believer,
she faced mornings
like she faced father,
with sharp pins in her hair.
Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes,
her worn towels, shoes
she wanted but could not afford —
she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights.

[Apex Vega]

Evening.

I like it, after reading it a couple times ofcourse. I would just like to add that I do not agree with the "mild critique" on the arhitecture of your sentences. I will propose the exact opposite and say that you give it a significantly more attractive flow with the way you chose to build, the motion in this poem is actually (in my eyes) very beautiful.

"Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;"

- Which is dreams, I presume.

"she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights."

- Here you mention dreams twice. This is probably just a silly connection which is not a real connection, or are their meanings related ?

[71degrees]

Thanks to all responses here. Am encouraged by so many different interpretations to "blind cry"….

Apex Vega: When is a dream not a dream? Or something like that. Like your response. Thank you.

ellajam: "…sharp pins" only an image. Mother had to physically fend off father on more than one occasion. Also, only married people "quarrel" so we are definitely good.

[71degrees]

Mother was afraid
she might go to hell;
never a real believer,
she faced mornings
like she faced father,
with sharp pins in her hair.
Sleep spoke a language
she refused to believe;
often awake in the middle
of the night, a blind cry
away from morning,
thinking about her old dishes,
her worn towels, shoes
she wanted but could not afford —
she dreamed a moving van
would save her; other nights
she dreamed her children’s faces
stared down at her from great heights.

Good example of how money or lack of it can cause serious depression. Makes me think on focusing on the good and what we have as opposed to what we do not have. Things can always get worse, or at least we can see others who have it worse. I like the poem and think it works well as an expressive piece. I prefer to hear more positive energy but life is not always positive. I identify with her mistakes - her focus points, and wish I could tell her something great to pick her up again! I like the term of dreaming language, being that dreams can often speak to us in their own language, and I think you caught that well. Nice job overall.

Dreams are somewhere between life and death. Thanks for your comments.

[StandingAlone]

It has a nice flow to it, and youre right its a perfect example

[71degrees]

It has a nice flow to it, and youre right its a perfect example

Hi. Are you responding to serioco's comments? Wasn't sure what you meant here. Could you elaborate?