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Edit 3
I’ll lay my breath close to mother's cheek,
my back curves naturally to earth's will,
my thoughts, lost amongst the stars,
scars of moments long passed,
given up to questions never asked
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood,
it is the great I Am and without it we are not
Edit 2
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
my thoughts get lost amongst the stars,
scares of moments long passed,
incandescent marks on the eons black dusk mask
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood,
it is the great I Am and without it we are not
Edit 1
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
my eyes set, then slip to scares of moments long passed,
incandescent marks on the eons black dusk mask
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood,
it is the great I Am and without it we are not
Original
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek, my back curves naturally to her will, my eyes set transfixed, then slip to scares moments long passed, incandescent marks on eons black dusk mask
As I risk breath, in and then out, I’m left with little doubt that love, 'real love' is not set aside for the gods, but set in rust, hearts and blood, it is the great I Am and without it we are not
Happy Valentines' Day
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Hello fogglethorpe, thank you for the reply. I have made an edit above from your comments.
Quote:I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek, my back curves naturally to her will, my eyes set transfixed,
Lovely images. I assume this is from the perspective of a newborn?
Yes I wanted to give this the feel of a child's perspective, but what this whole stanza is about is someone lay on the ground looking out into space, "mother's cheek" being the ground, "back curves naturally" as talking about the natural curve of the earth. The whole next part was about the stars.
Yeah maybe I need to rethink it, but was going for the whole children of the universe kind of love.
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Jae, The opening two lines are lovely:
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:
my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.
Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.
The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help
I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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(02-16-2014, 11:59 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Jae, The opening two lines are lovely:
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:
my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.
Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.
The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help
I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
ChristopherSea, thank you for the reply.
I've made an edit above and would love to know if you think it works
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(02-17-2014, 02:21 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote: (02-16-2014, 11:59 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Jae, The opening two lines are lovely:
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
but the next two are rather awkward. Perhaps you can rephrase 'my eyes set, then slip to scares'. Also, would they be merely 'moments' if they are etched in that mask? The mask comes off over-modified as well. Perhaps simply:
my eyes slip to trials passed,
incandescent marks on dusk's black mask.
Of course you need to adjust any changes for meter.
The close sounds really off with what looks like a 'Sam I Am' reversal. I am not certain of the meaning either, so I may be reading it wrong. Clarification may help
I hope there are some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it. Cheers/Chris
ChristopherSea, thank you for the reply.
I've made an edit above and would love to know if you think it works
Oh, I love the edit! It adds a playful rhythm to the poem, like you don't know what's around each turn. I have trouble really feeling poetry that doesn't rhyme, but I can feel a sense of peace and calm in this one.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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(02-19-2014, 10:17 AM)BedsideFungus Wrote: (02-14-2014, 08:53 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote: Edit 2
I’ll lay my breath close to mothers’ cheek,
my back curves naturally to earths' will,
my thoughts get lost amongst the stars,
scares of moments long passed,
incandescent marks on the eons black dusk mask
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood,
it is the great I Am and without it we are not
In both lines one and two you've chosen to pluralize both mothers and earths. I feel like these are usually used in the singular so the apostrophe should be placed before the "s".
In line three I feel like "are lost" has more of the dreamy and peaceful (and soft) feel of your piece than "get lost" does, but that's just a personal preference.
In line four did you really mean "scares"? In reading it I almost think you meant "scars".
In line five, I believe eons should be possessive in this context and something about the "black dusk mask" seems to be a bit of overkill for me.
Really like the final stanza.
I really enjoyed this one. Thanks for the read. Beautiful imagery. Hello BedsideFungus, thank you for your review, I am grateful for your time taken.
Yes you were right on all accounts.
I have made edits above. Thanks again
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Great edits! Its always good to see people willing to take on feedback and change up little sections! each one does improve it as well! well done
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Very good! But why do you use "we are" in the last line? I think personalizing works much better than generalizing here. For example thinking of humanity's insignificance compared to the Universe is not that breathtaking than thinking of one specific person and how small and insignificant he is.
"it is the great I Am and without it I am not"
=)
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Edit 3
I’ll lay my breath close to mother's cheek,
my back curves naturally to earth's will,
my thoughts, lost amongst the stars,
(like) scars of moments long passed,
given up to questions never asked
As I risk breath, in and then out,
I’m left with little doubt
that 'real love' (omit ' ', not necessary) is not set aside for the gods,
but set in rust, hearts and blood, (what does rust represent? an old car engine? throws me off a bit, if you are alluding to the natural aging of things, perhaps dust would be better)
it is the great I Am and without it we are not (I think you should keep the plural we and not change it as you did in the previous post)
Clever imagery and very heartfelt, however I feel like you should consider a new way of expressing laying on the ground as "mother's cheek" because it throws off the concept of the poem, which has nothing to do with your mother.
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