Feline

[ChristopherSea]

final version

Feline


My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and indulgent luxury.
She struts about
donning her richest furs,
assuming a style of lavishness.
She sashays into the room;
bounds upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
knowing I am enthralled.
In the darkness, her eyes
turn into enchanting topaz
lanterns; she mesmerizes me.
She knows that the ancients
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against
me, gliding smoother than
silk, she reclines into my
lap, purring ever so
softly, beckoning
my gentle
caress
and
kiss
||||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emily/Cloudy/Brandon/Chess/Crow edit 5 Thank you my fellow poets!

Feline


My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and indulgent luxury.
She struts about
donning her richest furs,
assuming a style of lavishness.
She sashays into the room;
bounds upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
knowing I am enthralled.
In the darkness, her eyes
turn into enchanting topaz
lanterns; she mesmerizes me.
She knows that the ancients
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against
me, gliding smoother than
silk, she reclines into my
lap, purring ever so
softly, beckoning
my gentle
caress
and
kiss
||||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emily/Cloudy/Brandon/Chess edit 4 Thanks fellow poets!

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me mesmerized.
She knows that ancients had
worshiped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

[EmilyJune519]

Wow, I really like this poem. The extended metaphor of the cat as a woman is great. Just a few small things...

As promised!

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized. I wouldn't put "so"... "She leaves me hypnotized" is better
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.Love this line.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk I know it's difficult with the shape you've created by the format of the poem, but I think "smoother than silk" is better than "feeling smoother than silk." More concise, more powerful.
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,Again, I'd get rid of "so."
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

[justcloudy]

Hi Chris,

Loved this. Really. Somehow you made it super sexual and almost chaste all at once.

I agree with Emily about the "so seductive" but imo keep "so softly".

What's up with ***on all fours***? I keep going back to that trying to figure out if the stars mean something or if they're just meant to take up space. Why not "on all four limbs"?

Thanks for sharing this clever little gem!

-justcloudy

---

Btw each time I read it different lines pop out at me. But not always in a good way. Having issues with "adopting a mood of lavishness." right now. I loved it 5 minutes ago but now it feels clunky. "Gazing at me in ecstasy" wasn't cutting it for me 5 minutes ago, but now I'm somewhat convinced.

Dunno if that helps anything; just an observation.

[ChristopherSea]

Wow, I really like this poem. The extended metaphor of the cat as a woman is great. Just a few small things...

As promised!

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized. I wouldn't put "so"... "She leaves me hypnotized" is better
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.Love this line.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk I know it's difficult with the shape you've created by the format of the poem, but I think "smoother than silk" is better than "feeling smoother than silk." More concise, more powerful.
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,Again, I'd get rid of "so."
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

Thank you kindly for your time and critque Emily! Your suggestions are reasonable and they probably can be incorporated, while maintaining the form with some other adjustments. Let me see what I can do! Much obliged./Chris

---

Hi Chris,

Loved this. Really. Somehow you made it super sexual and almost chaste all at once.

I agree with Emily about the "so seductive" but imo keep "so softly".

What's up with ***on all fours***? I keep going back to that trying to figure out if the stars mean something or if they're just meant to take up space. Why not "on all four limbs"?

Thanks for sharing this clever little gem!

-justcloudy

---

Btw each time I read it different lines pop out at me. But not always in a good way. Having issues with "adopting a mood of lavishness." right now. I loved it 5 minutes ago but now it feels clunky. "Gazing at me in ecstasy" wasn't cutting it for me 5 minutes ago, but now I'm somewhat convinced.

Dunno if that helps anything; just an observation.

Hi cloudy! Yes, it always helps. I will sculpt some of those recomendations into my next edit. Don't you recognize a diamond studed choker when see one?! I can draw that necklace all the way around her neck and move the 'on all fours' with some of those deletions. Let me give it a whirl. Thanks much!/Chris
------------------------------------------------------------------
New Pussy Posted!

[justcloudy]

Lol, definitely didn't recognize it. We only ever had farm cats, and I'm allergic, so maybe I'm partly to blame for that one. ;p
Anyway I like it. =]
The shape works better now too. But you forgot a full stop at the very end.

[SirBrendan]

Hahaha, there is nothing about this I don't like. The super sexy lady turned cat, the words that form a cat, the shame of being aroused by a poem about a cat-- wonderful! I really enjoy the moment in the poem in which I start to wonder, "what type of women has topaz eyes".

Flow is solid as well. i only wonder about the line,

"she leaves me memorized"

I think you meant to place mesmerized, as that makes much more sense. I don't know if memorized was intentional though, a play on expectations, but if it was it didn't work for me and just sort of confused me.

Oh and definitely change the poem's title. Feline gives it away when the whole fun of the poem is in the reader not knowing it at first

[ChristopherSea]

As promised!

Emily/cloudy/Brendan edit 2 Thanks fellow poets!

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me mesmerized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

---

Hahaha, there is nothing about this I don't like. The super sexy lady turned cat, the words that form a cat, the shame of being aroused by a poem about a cat-- wonderful! I really enjoy the moment in the poem in which I start to wonder, "what type of women has topaz eyes".

Flow is solid as well. i only wonder about the line,

"she leaves me memorized"

I think you meant to place mesmerized, as that makes much more sense. I don't know if memorized was intentional though, a play on expectations, but if it was it didn't work for me and just sort of confused me.

Oh and definitely change the poem's title. Feline gives it away when the whole fun of the poem is in the reader not knowing it at first

Thanks a heap Brendan for your read, the critique and catching that blatant typo! I believe spellcheck mutated mesmerized into memorized when I used an 'o' in place of the 'e'. I'll fix it right off and credit you. You have a good point about the title, although some might be too unimaginative to see the shape. Cheers!/Chris

---

Lol, definitely didn't recognize it. We only ever had farm cats, and I'm allergic, so maybe I'm partly to blame for that one. ;p
Anyway I like it. =]
The shape works better now too. But you forgot a full stop at the very end.

I got that period, thanks for the catch cloudy!

[ChristopherSea]

Sorry, autocorrect keeps capping my words and spellcheck changes a mispelled mesmerized to memorized!! I think I got it straight, thanks!

[ChristopherSea]

Alright, I fixed her diamond studded collar just for justcloudy!

[ChessPiece]

Emily/Cloudy/Brandon edit 4 Thanks fellow poets!

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me mesmerized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|

What a really cool cat-shaped poem. I like how the subject is a socialite...they sure do own us don't they? I noticed that "worshiped" is spelt wrong, very minor. Great work! Cheers!

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you for enjoying this concrete poem, as well as catching the typo ChessPiece! Most appreciative and welcome to the site./Chris

[crow]

--let me put my macro up top. I'm making suggestions here, not because I think you need to change anything, really, but because they might be helpful. I join the chorus of people who were equally disturbed and delighted by this poem.

My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
--I have trouble with the pampered-luxury construction. Wouldn't it be "pampering"?
She ventures out
--comma after out? And ventures out of what? The rest of the house into your room?
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
--I don't know what a "mood of lavishness" would be . . .
She saunters into the room,
--perhaps there's a word that's superior to "saunters"?
alights upon my bed.
--should she go airborne before alighting?
Lithe and seductive
************
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
--ambiguity attributing "enthralled" to "me" or "she"
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
--consider an active construction
she leaves me mesmerized.
--this makes it seem like she's exited. Consider "she mesmerizes me". Also, the etymology of "mesmerize" is really fun and maybe useful here.
She knows that ancients had
--"had" is unnecessary. Also, I read intent here, as in "because she knows, she brushes . . ." Consider explicating that connection between knowledge and action.
worshiped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
--comma after "silk"
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|
--to heighten the disturbing bestial quality of this poem, consider replacing the "pipes" in the tail with actual words, at least a few of them. They could be anything, but the natural progression would describe your response to the "beckoning." If it doesn't work, keep the pipes, but if it does, I'd imagine it would really cinch the excellence if the poem.

---

If any of those notes seem half-wrought, feel free to ask, and I'll try to be clearer

[Farkas]

Hi

This sensual concrete or shape poetry is an ode to the grace and agility of the feline species. Very well constructed and worded to achieve a most desirable effect.

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you Farkas. Crow, much obliged for the detailed critique and reasonable suggestions. I will see if I can incorporate them into my next edit. I tried to word sculpt a tail previously with less than satisfactory results and thus took the easier path. Cheers and all the best in 2014./Chris

[crow]

I'm surprised that the redraft is better hahaha I liked the first so much, and I was editing as an exercise, mostly. Cool. I'll do the same, again. First, and for sure, worshipped not worshiped.

Now . . . Right now, it seems to me, there's a new intrigue: cat or woman. I like that way better than the bestialikitty (I think that's a funny coinage, but I'm kind of an idiot hahaha). So, maybe that tension can be better realized? It's be like, "the puppy huffs about the room, sticks everything in it's mouth, talks like a big dog, and then naps in it's mother's arms to Baby Genius, Tape 3," right? Most readers would see the "puppy" as a metaphor for a young child. The cat does X, and I receive her as a woman? There's a few other takes, but this seems to be the one on the nearest horizon.

Next, there's a thesaurus going on with worship, enthral, mesmerize, and the idea of the cat/woman knowing. It could be reordered to realize a progression. So, and here's another intentionally lame e.g., it'd be "the fish perceives, gets, thinks, sees" vs "the fish sees, perceives, thinks, gets." The latter seems more narrative than the former. Which is more powerful, enthralled or mesmerized? I'd think that "enthralled," meaning enslaved, trumps "mesmerized" meaning, loosely, suggestible or deeply engaged with a rhythm. So, which should go first, which next?

I sure do like the last line better. note, the more that meaning emerges from your poem, the more tempting it will be to read the tail as narcissistic. That is, instead of *pipes pipes pipes pipes*, it'll read as "me me me me," as in I I I I.

[ChristopherSea]

I think that worshipped versus worshiped is an American English vs. British English spelling thing http://www.future-perfect.co.uk/grammar-...worshiped/ . I had the former and was corrected to the latter, but I can change it back again. I fleshed out half the tail with words and could continue doing so. Thanks again./Chris