May
I interject
begins the Taurus season
and true to your birth
you have since
spent your life
so characteristically -
an emigre
wandering aimlessly
a sightseer
shooting the unfamiliar landscape
the bull
loosed in a curiosity shoppe
who, sympathizing with the
down-trodden natives
picks out yet another
historical trinket for his
growing collection of nostalgia -
as if surrounding oneself
with clutter from the past
could somehow alter
the undeniable shape
of things to come.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
(12-09-2013, 05:49 PM)Speaktaboo Wrote: Love the tone on this. You set the scene really well. The two word lines kinda bother me. Maybe too many?
'I know my form is shit... I don't plan on working on it.' -Speaktaboo
Remind you of anyone? Sorry, had to do it. I like the two word lines. Any chance you could you learn to live with them? They're important to me. Seriously, I'll take another look. Thanks for your remarks.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
(12-09-2013, 05:49 PM)Speaktaboo Wrote: Love the tone on this. You set the scene really well. The two word lines kinda bother me. Maybe too many?
'I know my form is shit... I don't plan on working on it.' -Speaktaboo
Remind you of anyone? Sorry, had to do it. I like the two word lines. Any chance you could you learn to live with them? They're important to me. Seriously, I'll take another look. Thanks for your remarks.
How do you believe the short lines affect the reading value?
(12-09-2013, 05:49 PM)Speaktaboo Wrote: Love the tone on this. You set the scene really well. The two word lines kinda bother me. Maybe too many?
'I know my form is shit... I don't plan on working on it.' -Speaktaboo
Remind you of anyone? Sorry, had to do it. I like the two word lines. Any chance you could you learn to live with them? They're important to me. Seriously, I'll take another look. Thanks for your remarks.
How do you believe the short lines affect the reading value?
Also, how are you choosing your line breaks?
It is written as I would read it aloud. That is how the line breaks are chosen and how the reading value would be affected. I have no other explanation, quite honestly. Staccato sentences are a viable form of writing - maybe I haven't mastered it fully? It's kind of a judgemental/observational piece (just the facts, ma'am), wouldn't you agree? Thank you for your thought-provoking questions, I hadn't thought about it much before now.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
Let me ask you this question then, let's just focus on one line, what is the value of this line break:
who, sympathizing with the
Breaking on weak words like "the" are almost never the best choice. I would encourage you to consider breaking on nouns and verbs for the most part. See if that doesn't strengthen the piece.
(12-11-2013, 01:26 AM)Todd Wrote: Let me ask you this question then, let's just focus on one line, what is the value of this line break:
who, sympathizing with the
Breaking on weak words like "the" are almost never the best choice. I would encourage you to consider breaking on nouns and verbs for the most part. See if that doesn't strengthen the piece.
Just something to consider.
Thank you for explaining that, ASP (Todd). Very simple and extremely helpful. Now I know where to begin. Adore the angry sock puppet, it is how I frequently utilize oven mitts.
Okay, so is this any better? I don't like it as much, but I'm working on it. Like a new haircut, it takes time getting used to, even if others are complimentary . . . 'course I do see a silhouette of a face now - yup, there's his lantern jaw - could that be a sign?
May, I interject
begins the Taurus season
and true to your birth
you have since spent
your life so characteristically -
an émigré, wandering aimlessly
a sightseer, shooting
the unfamiliar landscape
a bull, loosed in a curiosity shoppe
who, sympathizing
with the down-trodden natives
picks out yet another
historical trinket
for his growing collection of nostalgia -
as if surrounding oneself with clutter
from the past could somehow alter
the undeniable shape
of things to come.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
(12-10-2013, 02:15 AM)trailertrash Wrote: 'I know my form is shit... I don't plan on working on it.' -Speaktaboo
Remind you of anyone? Sorry, had to do it. I like the two word lines. Any chance you could you learn to live with them? They're important to me. Seriously, I'll take another look. Thanks for your remarks.
How do you believe the short lines affect the reading value?
Also, how are you choosing your line breaks?
It is written as I would read it aloud. That is how the line breaks are chosen and how the reading value would be affected.
now let's compare that to if you included no line breaks at all:
May, I interject begins the Taurus season and true to your birth you have since spent your life so characteristically - an émigré, wandering aimlessly
a sightseer, shooting the unfamiliar landscape a bull, loosed in a curiosity shoppe who, sympathizing with the down-trodden natives picks out yet another historical trinket for his growing collection of nostalgia - as if surrounding oneself with clutter from the past could somehow alter the undeniable shape of things to come.
Quote: I have no other explanation, quite honestly. Staccato sentences are a viable form of writing - maybe I haven't mastered it fully? It's kind of a judgemental/observational piece (just the facts, ma'am), wouldn't you agree? Thank you for your thought-provoking questions, I hadn't thought about it much before now.
line breaks are pretty important in poetry. Is every line break pointing to your central metaphor? Maybe you should read this:
now let's compare that to if you included no line breaks at all:
May, I interject begins the Taurus season and true to your birth you have since spent your life so characteristically - an émigré, wandering aimlessly
a sightseer, shooting the unfamiliar landscape a bull, loosed in a curiosity shoppe who, sympathizing with the down-trodden natives picks out yet another historical trinket for his growing collection of nostalgia - as if surrounding oneself with clutter from the past could somehow alter the undeniable shape of things to come.
Quote: I have no other explanation, quite honestly. Staccato sentences are a viable form of writing - maybe I haven't mastered it fully? It's kind of a judgemental/observational piece (just the facts, ma'am), wouldn't you agree? Thank you for your thought-provoking questions, I hadn't thought about it much before now.
line breaks are pretty important in poetry. Is every line break pointing to your central metaphor? Maybe you should read this:
Mr. Milo, I know you are really making an effort to help me and I can't thank you enough - but I'm totally confused! It's a given, I like the first reading much better than the second, but I thought that's how I wrote it AND this comes on the heels of a rewrite. Are you reading the original, or the rewrite? Did I fix the problem, or didn't I? Was there a problem to begin with? Gahhhh! I don't want to be obtuse! she exclaims, stomping her feet in frustration, but it appears that I ammmm!
I will go sit in the corner and think about what I've done (and read the link you provided). Thank you.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
(12-11-2013, 01:20 AM)trailertrash Wrote: It is written as I would read it aloud. That is how the line breaks are chosen and how the reading value would be affected.
now let's compare that to if you included no line breaks at all:
May, I interject begins the Taurus season and true to your birth you have since spent your life so characteristically - an émigré, wandering aimlessly
a sightseer, shooting the unfamiliar landscape a bull, loosed in a curiosity shoppe who, sympathizing with the down-trodden natives picks out yet another historical trinket for his growing collection of nostalgia - as if surrounding oneself with clutter from the past could somehow alter the undeniable shape of things to come.
Quote: I have no other explanation, quite honestly. Staccato sentences are a viable form of writing - maybe I haven't mastered it fully? It's kind of a judgemental/observational piece (just the facts, ma'am), wouldn't you agree? Thank you for your thought-provoking questions, I hadn't thought about it much before now.
line breaks are pretty important in poetry. Is every line break pointing to your central metaphor? Maybe you should read this:
Mr. Milo, I know you are really making an effort to help me and I can't thank you enough - but I'm totally confused! It's a given, I like the first reading much better than the second, but I thought that's how I wrote it AND this comes on the heels of a rewrite. Are you reading the original, or the rewrite? Did I fix the problem, or didn't I? Was there a problem to begin with? Gahhhh! I don't want to be obtuse! she exclaims, stomping her feet in frustration, but it appears that I ammmm!
I will go sit in the corner and think about what I've done (and read the link you provided). Thank you.
Both of them are bad but for different reasons. Sometimes it takes a little time and consideration. I will be ready to return to it when you are. No rush.
