As I drive

[gilmored]

As I drive there's so many sights.
So many lefts, so many rights.
Up and down the hills we go.
All of them cloaked in snow.

With trees on both side,
the road hardly visible,
pastel skies,
no reason to be miserable.

I speak these words as I go.
I don't want to forget.
I want you to know.
Of the inspiring scenes
that come to my eyes.
What I think about, and realize;

Thinking of things
I've never thought,
My brain always rings
with this curse I've got.

My meter is off.
my tempo tampered.
The critics may scoff,
I'm not up to their standards.
My meaning is clear.
This we all know.
The voices I hear,
want it to show.

Back to the drawing board. I plan to edit this again. I decided to try again as following some bad advice lead my poem to sound boring, dry. I will how ever follow the good advice I have received. For now I bid you adieu.

[tectak]

As I drive there's so many sights. there are...not there is sights.
So many lefts, so many rights. though this kind of padding, so so, is usually a no no, I get a rolling rhythm. Watch out, though, the piece is getting nursery-rhyme'ish very quickly.
Up and down the hills we go.
All of them cloaked in snow. Hmm. We are now up cliche creek without a specifically shaped implement of flattened form primarily designed as a propulsive force generator when moved quickly through water. up and down....we go...cloaked in snow. The ryhme, too, is forced by sparce simplicity. You leave yourself Iittle word choice...so end up with little words.

With trees on both side,Sides. Proof read before posting. Forum rules
the road hardly visible,
pastel skies,
no reason to be miserable. Sacrificial stanza. It says nothing about anything relevant in a mixed-up medley of disconnected words . We jump from trees to visibility to meteorological musing to philosophising in one pointless stanza. You could omit this without collateral loss.
I speak these words
as I go.
I don't want to forget
I want you to know. Dreadfully gratuitous and nebulous. What words? Why would you forget? Forget what? Who you? Are you talking to me? Taxi! Do you only speak if you are...er...going? It's a mess.

Of the inspiring scenes
that come to my eyes.
What I think about,
and realize; Where did this stanza come from and what place does it occupy in the poem? You MUST get your metaphorical backbone muscled up. The piece is collapsing into a pile of old bones. There is nothing, nothing, holding it together. Your use of the semi colon is bizarre. If you are unsure of punctuation there is plenty of help on offer...but it is easier to ask YOURSELF ...what am I trying to say? If you do not think semi colon you will not write semi colon. Read what you have written...out loud. Punctuate according to your spoken words, not to your ego.

Thinking of things
I've never thought,
My brain always rings
with this curse I've got. Oh good grief. Stop.Stop now. Thinking things you didn't think??Wha? Wh? Ringing brain is good but not here...ah...rings rhymes with things...justified. Shheesh. If you cannot find a rhyme for things...change things. It is YOUR poem. You are master of the words...not the other way round.

My meter is off.
my tempo tampered.
The critics may scoff.
I'm not up to their standards.

My meaning is clear.
This we all know.
The voices I hear,
want it to show. Agreed...but you take the piss at your peril. Straighten up and fly right.

This piece is in the wrong forum BUT I will leave it here because I feel you may secretly yearn to improve...but are bravado bound. We shall see.
Edit this by deciding what the hell your primary metaphor is trying to instill in the reader...after all, you have posted it the workshopping forum. So workshop it.
Best,
tectak

[gilmored]

Thank you for your thoughts. I would like feedback from others as well though, before I revise. The veiws of one, aren't always shared by others.

[tectak]

Thank you for your thoughts. I would like feedback from others as well though, before I revise. The veiws of one, aren't always shared by others.

I don't expect or prefer my views to be shared by others. They are for you and you alone. That is why I read your effort and spent time commenting. What you do with those comments is up to you...but it will always be "there are sights" not "there is sights" and trees on both sideS.
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

As I drive there's so many sights.
As?Is? If you weren't driving would the sights still be there? Where and are might save the grammar and syntax. But it's still too passive. I see nothing to draw me in here. Maybe I'll just take a nap. Or maybe you could write something like "I drive to. . ." or something along those lines. Your pick. Nap time or drive time. Either one is fine with me.
So many lefts, so many rights.Left right up down so so go, snow! Did you come up with that on your own?
Up and down the hills we go.
All of them cloaked in snow.

With trees on both sides,
the road hardly visible,
pastel skies,
no reason to be miserable.Really? I'm feeling pretty miserable at the moment, but ok, you're right; if there are trees on both sides everything should be okay and I should stop complaining. Honestly, why mention it? I wouldn't have assumed there was a reason. I can only guess that you could see the expression on my face from reading this, and decided to interject with some form of consolation.

I speak these words
as I go.That is creative. I'm saying what I'm saying. Ok. go on...
I don't want to forget
I want you to know.

Of the inspiring scenes Is this a new sentence or part of the last one? I can't remember either. I'm talking to myself to try and help myself remind myself.
that come to my eyes.
What I think about,
and realize;Huh? No comment. Fix it.

Thinking of things
I've never thought,Thinking thought's I've never had. So bad it's never been this bad. My mind has never had the time to think of all these silly rhyme. I've never felt this way before. I don't want to feel it anymore. Cry me a river, rockstar! Sing it!
My brain always rings
with this curse I've got.Oh, sorry. I'd have been much nicer to this poem had I known it was cursed. No to this.

My meter is off.
my tempo tampered.
The critics may scoff.
I'm not up to their standards.I must say I agree

My meaning is clear.
This we all know.
The voices I hear,
want it to show.
Yep. They show,
and they, I fear
are completely unoriginal...

I see nothing here to show that these are even your thoughts. It's pretty cut and paste, and I've heard it all a thousand times before, and then a thousand more.

What do you want us to say? Trust me, you don't want more crit. Stick with Mr. Tectak. He's about as good as it get's out here in the wasteland that is the internet, and we're luck to have him. He won't steer you wrong.

[gilmored]

As I drive there's so many sights.
As?Is? If you weren't driving would the sights still be there? Where and are might save the grammar and syntax. But it's still too passive. I see nothing to draw me in here. Maybe I'll just take a nap. Or maybe you could write something like "I drive to. . ." or something along those lines. Your pick. Nap time or drive time. Either one is fine with me.
So many lefts, so many rights.Left right up down so so go, snow! Did you come up with that on your own?
Up and down the hills we go.
All of them cloaked in snow.

With trees on both sides,
the road hardly visible,
pastel skies,
no reason to be miserable.Really? I'm feeling pretty miserable at the moment, but ok, you're right; if there are trees on both sides everything should be okay and I should stop complaining. Honestly, why mention it? I wouldn't have assumed there was a reason. I can only guess that you could see the expression on my face from reading this, and decided to interject with some form of consolation.

I speak these words
as I go.That is creative. I'm saying what I'm saying. Ok. go on...
I don't want to forget
I want you to know.

Of the inspiring scenes Is this a new sentence or part of the last one? I can't remember either. I'm talking to myself to try and help myself remind myself.
that come to my eyes.
What I think about,
and realize;Huh? No comment. Fix it.

Thinking of things
I've never thought,Thinking thought's I've never had. So bad it's never been this bad. My mind has never had the time to think of all these silly rhyme. I've never felt this way before. I don't want to feel it anymore. Cry me a river, rockstar! Sing it!
My brain always rings
with this curse I've got.Oh, sorry. I'd have been much nicer to this poem had I known it was cursed. No to this.

My meter is off.
my tempo tampered.
The critics may scoff.
I'm not up to their standards.I must say I agree

My meaning is clear.
This we all know.
The voices I hear,
want it to show.
Yep. They show,
and they, I fear
are completely unoriginal...

I see nothing here to show that these are even your thoughts. It's pretty cut and paste, and I've heard it all a thousand times before, and then a thousand more.

What do you want us to say? Trust me, you don't want more crit. Stick with Mr. Tectak. He's about as good as it get's out here in the wasteland that is the internet, and we're luck to have him. He won't steer you wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read and consider my poem. even though you didn't like it. I know how hard it is to do, as I haven't been able to myself. I was actually driving while I wrote this. I just said what came to mind as I drove down the road. I will consider your suggestions when I do my edit. Thanks again.

[crow]

As I drive.(edit 1)
--no period.
As I drive there's so many sights[:]
--"so" isn't preferred here, as it anticipates a "that" clause. More to the point, it's a bland intensifier.
The herd of elk in a field below[,]
--a "gang" of elk is probably better. Condense. E.g. "Elk gang below" does almost all of the substantive work at a savings of six syllables.
Hills and dips heaving [to] and fro.
--make more active. Why heaving instead of heave?
A multitude of lefts, countless rights.
--well . . . But why is that mattersome? Why not talk about potential roads forward?
Everything sparkling a brilliant white.
--there's a better way to say this. There's been a million descriptions of snow. I'm sure half describe it as sparkling, white, or brilliant. Indeed, that's why you can afford to avoid calling it "snow."

With trees all around,
--I'm guessing their all of a type? This line can be brightened intensely.
the road hardly visible,
--"hardly" gives me a range of potential visibilities. Nail it down for me.
pastel skies reflect off the ground.
--tighten, tighten, tighten. I wrote four diff versions of this line as an experiment. The shortest was three syllables, the longest was five.
No reason to be miserable.
--good. April is the cruelest month?
I speak these words as I drive down the road.
--put quotes around the line above?
'Cause I don't want to forget, I want you to know.
--lost me. This is a fragment. It introduces a new character. And it reads three or four ways, two of which conflict directly. (For instance, I want you to know that I don't want to forget vs. I want you to know, so that I don't have to forget--one sells a continuing relationship, the other an ended one)
Of the inspiring scenes that come to my eyes.
--redundant w the rest of the poem.
While it's fresh enough to characterize.
--you've only characterized the scene as memorable. It's not serene or chastising or orienting. So "describe" works better, but you've barely scratched the surface if that. I have one and a half color words, "trees," a road with an extraordinary amount of turn-offs, and hilly mountains.

Be gutsy. Be daring. Be awesome.

If I were with you, what would I have failed to see?

[gilmored]

Thank you crow. You have given me some ideas, and some insight as how some people are always looking for a hidden meaning. Even when reading something straight forward. I will keep this comment in mind for my next revision. Thx again.

[alatos]

Hi! I'm new to this poetry thing, so take my advice for what it's worth. The rhythm seems off a lot, I don't really know the terminology. The flow is just off to me.