Winter's Despair

[allykat727]

Delicate pine,
pins and needles to touch.
Thrust; sharp edge of what
you aver. Fragile lips
lie gently. Pins
and needles touch.

Headaches,
no slumber, just
hibernation of dreams.
Spring benevolence
has darkened winter cruelty,
but bleak beauty warms
under wings of gods.

Vibrant sundown,
the caress of golden-lilac hope.
Promise shines through vacant
stares of twilight corpses.
Angels float.

Yellow blossom,
tender velvet feeling.
Harsh fingertips, soothing tint.
Memories calm
as dread departs.
Ghostly souls run.

[Viktor Vaughn]

Delicate pine,
pins and needles to touch. Clever wordplay here, I like it
Thrust; sharp edge of what
you aver. Fragile lips
lie gently. Pins
and needles touch. These last lines (everything from 'Thrust' onwards) don't make too much sense to me. Nice words, but without too much image.

Headaches, You've broken your structure here
no slumber, just
hibernation of dreams.
Spring benevolence
has darkened winter cruelty, This image is nice; 'darkened' is an interesting word choice
but bleak beauty warms The 'but' doesn't feel right to me
under wings of gods. It's nice, but it doesn't fit well

Vibrant sundown,
the caress of golden-lilac hope
Promise shines through vacant
stares of twilight corpses. What are the corpses? I imagine it's trees, but it's vague
Angels float.What are the angels? Literal? Metaphorical?

Yellow blossom,
tender velvet feeling.
Harsh fingertips, soothing tint.
Memories calm
as dread departs.
Ghostly souls run. This last stanza is better than the others, but it doesn't really conclude anything for me

Too much ambiguity for me. It almost seems as if you're using nice words just for the sake of using them, without as much regard for the image they portray. Personally, I'd like to see it edited but with more focus on clear images.

[jdeirmend]

Delicate pine,
pins and needles to touch.
Thrust; sharp edge of what This line and what follows do not work for me. What is that who avers? The sudden jump into second person is disorienting
you aver. Fragile lips
lie gently. Pins This and what follows are also difficult for me to find anything to grasp in.
and needles touch.

Headaches,
no slumber, just
hibernation of dreams.
Spring benevolence
has darkened winter cruelty,
but bleak beauty warms
under wings of gods.
I though this second stanza was much more effective, on the whole, than the first

Vibrant sundown,
the caress of golden-lilac hope.
Promise shines through vacant
stares of twilight corpses.
Angels float.
Enjoyed the stanza. Corpses seems an awkward choice.

Yellow blossom,
tender velvet feeling.
Harsh fingertips, soothing tint. This pairing is confusing.
Memories calm
as dread departs.
Ghostly souls run. Not so sure about the closing line.

[Graystar]

Delicate pine, Why is a pine tree delicate?
pins and needles to touch.
Thrust; sharp edge of what
you aver. Fragile lips
lie gently. Pins
and needles touch. Why repeat?

Headaches,
no slumber, just What is the verb in this sentence?
hibernation of dreams.
Spring benevolence
has darkened winter cruelty,
but bleak beauty warms
under wings of gods. Odd thinking Spring darkening anything but I can go with it. If Winter's Despair is possessive then it seems Spring's benevolence should be too or so it seems to me.


Vibrant sundown,
the caress of golden-lilac hope. Again needing a verb.
Promise shines through vacant
stares of twilight corpses. Do you mean copse or where did the dead bodies come from?
Angels float. Why? Where? Gods have wings and angels float? Like in water?

Yellow blossom, Needs a verb.
tender velvet feeling.
Harsh fingertips, soothing tint. Needs a verb..
Memories calm
as dread departs. Where was the dread to begin with?
Ghostly souls run. Just don't see the correlation of winged gods, floating angels and running souls.

I am sorry to seem like I'm tearing it all apart. Your poem has potential. And it intrigues me. It seems to have too many themes. Thank you.