One girl and her dog

[Keith]

Edit 1
Faces at the window again,
I suppose I should move,
maybe a little stretch,
that’s me done back to mum,
keep my ears flat don’t look round,
soon be warm nuzzling down.

Snatched away inside a bag
carried like a takeaway,
holes in the side, car ride,
falling over into bends,
legs shiver decompressed,
I break the surface without mother,
hands pretend to play like brothers.


Faces at the window again,
makes my limbs tremble,
smile and be sure to stand
giant in your cot, smile.
Those that can, stand
those that can’t smile anyway they can,
lost sailors waiting for the sharks,
treading above the shifting dark,
its mouth fits round my hips,
lifts and blankets me.

It’s cold, told its my time,
outside for a car ride,
tree tops flash like rats
across worn-out blue broken tiles,
teeth and head vibrate with the door,
I never felt such things before.

My room it said in pink,
a net above my lice ridden head,
just for show they said,
it might keep out the bites,
that used to crawl and pillow fight.

Lipstick below my shaven fringe,
call me Anne,
so I won’t but I’m sure I can.
Playful teeth nip at my wrist,
another mouth wants me to exist,
and so I pinch soft skin and fur,
twist fingers round his pointed ear.
In this place we need each other,
learning to play as sister and brother.

Original
Faces at the window again,
I suppose I should move,
maybe a little stretch,
shake my tail, yawn
move to the front, wobble
Keep my head down.
Then Bam! Look straight at them,
puppy dog eyes, full on
and yes that little lick sealed the deal.

Faces at the window again,
not seen anyone for ages
been smoking too much lately,
oh and could you tell those idiots,
spraying perfume into my eyes
makes me cry,
while they tick their clipboard.

Faces at the window again,
pain makes my limbs tremble,
I know I need to shake
my tail feather, that’s what they said,
smile and make sure to stand
in your bed, smile.
Those that can, stand,
those that can’t smile anyway they can,
lost sailors waiting for sharks,
shivering in the shifting water
its mouth fits round my hips
lifts and blankets me.

It’s cold, told to go outside,
car ride,
tree tops flash by like rats
across my only floor.
teeth and head vibrate on the door,
I never felt these things before.
My room they said in pink,
my net above my head, for show they said
not to keep out the bites
like they used to say.
The face said call me Anne
so I will and I’m glad I can.

[bena]

WOW. What the hell could I say to improve this? You brought me straight into the mind of someone with mental disease and it hurt me, effected me, gave me chills. What more could you ask for in a poem? Brilliant work.

mel.

[Keith]

WOW. What the hell could I say to improve this? You brought me straight into the mind of someone with mental disease and it hurt me, effected me, gave me chills. What more could you ask for in a poem? Brilliant work.

mel.

Hi mel
Many thanks for your kind words I think some lines are a little cliche so I will perhaps give them some more though but I am really encouraged by your comments, many thanks Keith

[Euan]

I enjoyed the repetition of the first line in each of the stanzas, has a timeless effect. The consistency if your repetition compliments your structure, you convey both a similar message and a more subtle other meaning with each repeated line in their respective stanzas, I am impressed. I haven't much to say as to what could be improved.

[Keith]

I enjoyed the repetition of the first line in each of the stanzas, has a timeless effect. The consistency if your repetition compliments your structure, you convey both a similar message and a more subtle other meaning with each repeated line in their respective stanzas, I am impressed. I haven't much to say as to what could be improved.

Many thanks for your kind words Euan, I have tried to clear up my message and remove some of the cliché, thanks Keith