Brunch (For fun)

[Todd]

I was thinking of vanilla in the same way, Leanne. Which makes me think the speaker is exposing the other party to something beyond their nature.

[milo]

Problem is... meter isn't about syllables, it's about where the stresses fall. In that regard, cinnamon fits better than vanilla but it's possible that only people who worry about things like meter are going to notice, so it's your call of course.

(Although I tend to think of vanilla as quite bland)

I worry about such things and it is pretty unlikely that I am going to leave quietly . . .

[Todd]

I mostly just want concrete nouns for the tastes. I'm a play by ear sort of meter person so my own inconsistencies would probably cause both of you physical pain.

[tigrflye]

Please do not lose patience with me. And if this discussion is better in a private msg or a meter thread, i am game. Am I way off here?
If CANNibalism was NOT a SIN,
I could DEvour your VAnilla SKIN.

If CANNibalism was NOT a SIN,
I could DEvour your CINNamon SKIN.

Ill use cinnamon. I'm convinced- he is not bland.

[Leanne]

You're not way off at all, and here is just fine as the comments are all relating to the poem. I say deVOW-er, but I'll write it off as an accent thing.

[milo]

Please do not lose patience with me. And if this discussion is better in a private msg or a meter thread, i am game. Am I way off here?
If CANNibalism was NOT a SIN, ifCANN ibalISM wasNOT aSIN
I could DEvour your VAnilla SKIN. iCOULD deVOUR YOURva NILla SKIN

If CANNibalism was NOT a SIN,
I could DEvour your CINNamon SKIN. iCOULD deVOUR yourCIN namonSKIN

Ill use cinnamon. I'm convinced- he is not bland.

---

devour is frequently 3 syllables, but that is irrelevant here

[Leanne]

I scan it differently, milo -- that's the trouble with scansion I suppose, it's not an exact science.

I COULD becomes a spondee for me. (That's two equally stressed syllables, Jen)

I COULD deVOUR your CINnamon SKIN -- tiny difference -- but my alternative is to demote "could", the stress is always on the "I" for me.

[Todd]

No one's losing patience, Jennifer. We do this all the time.

[tigrflye]

Thank you, Milo. And Leanne. And Todd, For your time.
That really helped explain to me exactly why Cinnamon fits better. I'm sure with more practice I'll get better with hearing the meter and stressed syllables.

[Leanne]

It is just practise, don't worry. And we're really not losing patience, we're just grumpy miserable sods

To be honest, we kind of like this sort of thing -- these are technicalities that seem irrelevant to a lot of people, but the ones who pay attention to every little syllable and punctuation mark are the ones who become the best poets.

[milo]

I scan it differently, milo -- that's the trouble with scansion I suppose, it's not an exact science.

I COULD becomes a spondee for me. (That's two equally stressed syllables, Jen)

I COULD deVOUR your CINnamon SKIN -- tiny difference -- but my alternative is to demote "could", the stress is always on the "I" for me.

I can't even say it as a spondee if I tried. As a fact I just did try ten times in a row.

[Leanne]

I can't say it as an iamb

[tigrflye]

They are not at all irrevelant technicalities to me. I feel like I am getting a free creative writing class. I love it.
richSCENTS areTICK aLING myNOSE,
TongueDIPP ingIN beTWEEN yourTOES.

? Right? So this is iambic.. tetrameter because it has four feet?

[Leanne]

So this is iambic.. tetrameter because it has four feet?

><

[billy]

just read the whole thread. and while i'm not giving feedback on the poem.
i think you're doing a great job of workshoping the poem tigr

[tigrflye]

Thank you, Billy, that means a lot!

[tectak]

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your cinnamon skin.Already confection...this is delicious
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dipping in between your toes. There is no contemporary requirement to capitalise every line. It is only confusing and was never of any real use. Pseudo poets still do it. You are not a pseudo poet.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
Could dunk you in an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head. Though I can follow your thinking I believe this line is a sacrifice to the god of rhyme. There must be a better linkage than this. Your poem
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek. Though unobtrusive in the general way of things poetic, the simplistic rhyming is getting mantra-like. The occasional enjambment may help to break step before resonance causes the thing to shake itself to bits. No more mention of this except that the poem may, just may, be getting too long.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood; no, not this time.
Ingesting you would be a crime.
I guess that I should also add
Killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.Concept-confidence throughout. It dances along. I can read it as a child with a gingerbread man or a young and passionate woman in lust. Either way, I love your punctuation...and I don't say that often.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

Original:
I could devour your delicious skin
If cannibalism was not sin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dancing in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up inside your knee,
I would eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist your ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all of you.
I suppose that I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.