Insanity lied

[Intricate B]

INSANITY WHY?!
Do you insist on
Embracing me as though
That's what you're
Supposed to do?!
You lead me in a
Malevolent fashion,
To believe that there is
Comfort in allowing you
To bathe me in your false glow?

Well insanity...
I need you to listen and,
Hear with un-muddied ears;
Focus on the words that pour
Fluidly from my bent mind.
In your embrace,
I have searched for solace
From a world cold and cruel.
But, your bosom wasn't warm.
You aren't comforting, and
Definitely do nothing
To ease my pain.

Every time, in you I confide,
I find myself
Roaring forth in a stentorian cry
That dissolves all matter,
Down to a quantum level,
For when a soul weeps
The sound is not
Of this realm and
Would shatter every eardrum
Within 100 miles.

Insanity, you are NOT!!
My fucking friend!
You are not the best for me!!
You led me astray
In more than one way,
And whispered in my ear,
The nonsense that I hear
That drives this man, mad.
Drilling in my mind,
A paranoia so profound That,
Rather than to speak of it,
I bottle and cork that shit
In an act of rebellion.
I DEFY YOU STARS!!
I DEFY YOU MOON!!

I defy you healthy means of
The suspension from this...
Emotional retention,
As my mind soars and reels,
There's more than I can mention,
From feelings I think I don't feel
To craziness locking my soul,
In an emotional detention!!

FUCK YOU INSANITY!!
You lied to me and booted me hard
To the edge of a bottomless void of eternity.
The only stop known during the descent,
Is upon the release of my final breath,
And when I smack with a thud,
It's cause I'm no more.

ALL THE WHILE YOU FUCK!!!
In the endless descent,
A sore realization of the ignorance preached by YOU!!
YOU!!! you fucking convinced me of!!

I should've accepted the embrace
Of the one I truly needed.
Insanity you son of a bitching bastard!!
Denied me of the only
Comfort I've ever truly felt!!

I fucking defy you, and deny you,
And curse you insanity,
You cruel fucking mistress,
For turning me away from the
Purest warmth, radiated,
Soft as silk bosom where I truly belong!!

But, guess what fuck head?!
This is me.
In truest of form letting you know,
As I turn my back to the edge of the void,
Since regaining my balance.
These are my hands,
Middle fingers fully extended
Without looking back.

I see past your forked tongue poison!!
Because, whispering in my other ear
All along,
Was the voice of an Angel.
Her purest melody
Stabbed your screech with
The double edged sword of unconditional love.

So, check this out, sanity slayer.
Fool me once, shame on you...
Fool me twice, shame on me...
Fool me again? Guess what?
I guess I'm crazy since,
The definition of crazy is,
Doing the same thing,
Time and again and
Expecting different results.. Touche..

But listen good and hard you shit,
For I'll say it only once.
One voice rings louder,
Purer, more fluid and flawless than yours.
That of my Saint of a Wife.
Because of you, un-sound mind...
I almost lost forever
The only person for whom,
I truly desire to better myself.
You caused to cut with cruel disregard,
The heart from my chest.

And, when I drew back
For a fast ball pitch....
"I"...
With force,
Arm thrust forward, in a pitcher's stance...
"Love"...
And a fraction of a second
From release...
"You", fluidly into my ear canal...

And, with the inertia
From my almost pitch,
Gripping tight my reason for life,
The purpose for my next breath,
I crumble in a heap,
To the ground.

And, guess what?
As I lay prone,
Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died,
Guess who was there,
Comforting this broke down palace
In an Angel's, warm embrace?
My soul mate.
My Queen of a Wife.
The very heart I was a minuscule fraction
Of a second, from throwing away.

So, insanity.
The last attention I will
Ever afford you, is this.
My eyes are open...
(to her purity)
My ears are clear...
(receiving her voice, so pure)
And my heart back in place,
With my soul revived,
By a love you could never provide.
Fuck off insanity.
Fuck off.

Intricate B

[billy]

the main problem i have with this is...do insane people know or see themselves as insane?
i had trouble comprehending the poem in places, the example below; a newborn losing his first born. it instantly stops me reading.

And, guess what?
As I lay prone,
Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died,
Guess who was there,
Comforting this broke down palace
In an Angel's, warm embrace?
My soul mate.
My Queen of a Wife.
The very heart I was a minuscule fraction
Of a second, from throwing away.

[Intricate B]

the main problem i have with this is...do insane people know or see themselves as insane?
i had trouble comprehending the poem in places, the example below; a newborn losing his first born. it instantly stops me reading.

And, guess what?
As I lay prone,
Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died,
Guess who was there,
Comforting this broke down palace
In an Angel's, warm embrace?
My soul mate.
My Queen of a Wife.
The very heart I was a minuscule fraction
Of a second, from throwing away.

I use a lot of metaphors.
When trying to express the extreme pain I felt,
The, Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died" comment,
Was the best way I could express it..
Imagine the pain you'd feel burying your first born the day after your grandmother died, with the screaming cry of a newborn..
Again..
I use a lot of metaphor.

[billy]

it had to be metaphor but and this is a biggy the metaphor has to make some kind of sense. the real biggy is that it's a simile and not a metaphor, for the metaphor you'd have to ditch [like]

sobbing like new born burying his first born

again the simile has to make sense. while they could sob like a newborn. newborns don't bury 1st borns
the line after the 1st clause of simile has to work.

sobbing like new born burying his first born
after losing my first born

would work, as would
after losing your first born

or their first born.

so a simile is a phrase that uses the words like or as to describe someone or something by comparing it with someone or something else that is similar

and a metaphor is a word or phrase for one thing that is used to refer to another thing in order to show or suggest that they are similar

[Erthona]

"Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born"

This is not a metaphor, it is a simile. Notice the use of the word "like". A simile says that something is "like" something, whereas a metaphor says that something "is" something.

"Imagine the pain you'd feel burying your first born the day after your grandmother died, with the screaming cry of a newborn."

Interesting, but this is not what you said. You said

"Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born"

Maybe you meant to say,

I was sobbing like a newborn baby when I lost my own child..."

In terms of the total poem it appears to be as these lines demonstrate

"Roaring forth in a stentorian cry
That dissolves all matter,
Down to a quantum level,"

"...full of sound and fury; signifying nothing.”

I could be more specific but as you seem bent on disregarding and defending yourself against any legitimate critique, I don't really see the point.

Dale

[Intricate B]

I appreciate these critiques..
You've offered me points that I'd not considered.

[milo]

INSANITY WHY?!
Do you insist on
Embracing me as though
That's what you're
Supposed to do?!
You lead me in a
Malevolent fashion,
To believe that there is
Comfort in allowing you
To bathe me in your false glow?

Well insanity...
I need you to listen and,
Hear with un-muddied ears;
Focus on the words that pour
Fluidly from my bent mind.
In your embrace,
I have searched for solace
From a world cold and cruel.
But, your bosom wasn't warm.
You aren't comforting, and
Definitely do nothing
To ease my pain.

Every time, in you I confide,
I find myself
Roaring forth in a stentorian cry
That dissolves all matter,
Down to a quantum level,
For when a soul weeps
The sound is not
Of this realm and
Would shatter every eardrum
Within 100 miles.

Insanity, you are NOT!!
My fucking friend!
You are not the best for me!!
You led me astray
In more than one way,
And whispered in my ear,
The nonsense that I hear
That drives this man, mad.
Drilling in my mind,
A paranoia so profound That,
Rather than to speak of it,
I bottle and cork that shit
In an act of rebellion.
I DEFY YOU STARS!!
I DEFY YOU MOON!!

I defy you healthy means of
The suspension from this...
Emotional retention,
As my mind soars and reels,
There's more than I can mention,
From feelings I think I don't feel
To craziness locking my soul,
In an emotional detention!!

FUCK YOU INSANITY!!
You lied to me and booted me hard
To the edge of a bottomless void of eternity.
The only stop known during the descent,
Is upon the release of my final breath,
And when I smack with a thud,
It's cause I'm no more.

ALL THE WHILE YOU FUCK!!!
In the endless descent,
A sore realization of the ignorance preached by YOU!!
YOU!!! you fucking convinced me of!!

I should've accepted the embrace
Of the one I truly needed.
Insanity you son of a bitching bastard!!
Denied me of the only
Comfort I've ever truly felt!!

I fucking defy you, and deny you,
And curse you insanity,
You cruel fucking mistress,
For turning me away from the
Purest warmth, radiated,
Soft as silk bosom where I truly belong!!

But, guess what fuck head?!
This is me.
In truest of form letting you know,
As I turn my back to the edge of the void,
Since regaining my balance.
These are my hands,
Middle fingers fully extended
Without looking back.

I see past your forked tongue poison!!
Because, whispering in my other ear
All along,
Was the voice of an Angel.
Her purest melody
Stabbed your screech with
The double edged sword of unconditional love.

So, check this out, sanity slayer.
Fool me once, shame on you...
Fool me twice, shame on me...
Fool me again? Guess what?
I guess I'm crazy since,
The definition of crazy is,
Doing the same thing,
Time and again and
Expecting different results.. Touche..

But listen good and hard you shit,
For I'll say it only once.
One voice rings louder,
Purer, more fluid and flawless than yours.
That of my Saint of a Wife.
Because of you, un-sound mind...
I almost lost forever
The only person for whom,
I truly desire to better myself.
You caused to cut with cruel disregard,
The heart from my chest.

And, when I drew back
For a fast ball pitch....
"I"...
With force,
Arm thrust forward, in a pitcher's stance...
"Love"...
And a fraction of a second
From release...
"You", fluidly into my ear canal...

And, with the inertia
From my almost pitch,
Gripping tight my reason for life,
The purpose for my next breath,
I crumble in a heap,
To the ground.

And, guess what?
As I lay prone,
Sobbing like a newborn baby,
That just lost his first born
The day after his Grandmother died,
Guess who was there,
Comforting this broke down palace
In an Angel's, warm embrace?
My soul mate.
My Queen of a Wife.
The very heart I was a minuscule fraction
Of a second, from throwing away.

So, insanity.
The last attention I will
Ever afford you, is this.
My eyes are open...
(to her purity)
My ears are clear...
(receiving her voice, so pure)
And my heart back in place,
With my soul revived,
By a love you could never provide.
Fuck off insanity.
Fuck off.

Intricate B

This would take a /lot/ of work to make into poetry but it might not be a bad exercise for you to try, just to learn what works and what doesn't. It is going to take /several/ passes. For the first pass try to go through and do the following:

Examine every linebreak. Is the break word a significant word? Does it point back to your central metaphor? Is it preferably a strong concrete noun or a verb that offers a double meaning or provides tension? Are the line lengths enhancing the read?

Second, examine all of your nouns. Try to eliminate all of the abstract nouns (love, beauty, death, insanity, soul, etc) with concrete nouns (rocks, car, house, finger).

Finally, try to avoid personifying abstractions (insanity). Instead replace this cheesy practice by relating to a real person, place or thing.

Once you are finished revising, if you are still interested, we can move further along.

Good luck.