It's another evening, turning into night,
and through my window, I search to find,
a glimpse of you, coming back to me,
but after all my wrongs, It’s what I wish to see.
I think of all the moments with you in past,
so happily passing by. But what I never saw,
it was too perfect, forever to last,
and me avoiding love, for you, the last straw.
I didn't see, how much you meant to me,
and everything was over and you gone,
no bridge was left unburned for me to pass,
no place was left, where US would be.
The only thing left in me is pain,
burning in my heart and through my veins,
great hole in my soul, slowly healing,
and all the memories of you, driving me insane.
Night comes again and darkness falls,
It’s time to move forward, present calls,
memory lane is closed and life goes on,
it will all be better, In morning sun.
Bright light playing on window glass,
causing warmth through my heart,
it feels easier as more days pass,
there are new beginnings, a fresh start.
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I can defiantly feel what your trying to get across in this poem.
I really liked some of the rhymes, especially the third stanza. That stanza is probably my favorite though "hole in my soul" almost works for me it falls a bit short. The "burning pain" does paint a picture and gives a feeling, I wish there more moments like this. Also the rhymes could be bit more consistent, but that could just be something that bothers me exclusively.
I think it suffers from a few cliches, such as "hole in my soul", or "causing warmth through my heart," maybe even the title.
Thnx for posting (:
Tnx for your comment, I kind of left poetry while ago and for some reason its back in my mind. But not consistent as it was before, so there are a lot of songs shattered in pieces and many of them are only stanza or two.
I came across situations where some of my friends broke long time relations and kind of wrote this and one another poem with this theme.
And then for some unknown reason I wrote this last songs in English although its not my mother tongue and I apologize for any mistakes I make in my posts or poems. Therefore is hard for me to to find a rhyme  .
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Like makeshift said, the whole thing is kind of cliche. What's also bugging me is that there are commas after every line, even in the middle of sentences where they shouldn't be.
The first three lines are my favorite. I feel securely placed in the moonlight, sitting by the window.. waiting.. and then it trails off a little for me. I do still like the poem, but I feel it started stronger than it finished.
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(09-24-2013, 07:14 AM)mortal Wrote: It's another evening, turning into night,
and through my window, I search to find,
a glimpse of you, coming back to me,
but after all my wrongs, It’s what I wish to see.
I think of all the moments with you in past,
so happily passing by. But what I never saw,
it was too perfect, forever to last,
and me avoiding love, for you, the last straw.
I didn't see, how much you meant to me,
and everything was over and you gone,
no bridge was left unburned for me to pass,
no place was left, where US would be.
The only thing left in me is pain,
burning in my heart and through my veins,
great hole in my soul, slowly healing,
and all the memories of you, driving me insane.
Night comes again and darkness falls,
It’s time to move forward, present calls,
memory lane is closed and life goes on,
it will all be better, In morning sun.
Bright light playing on window glass,
causing warmth through my heart,
it feels easier as more days pass,
there are new beginnings, a fresh start. Hi mortal,
Yep...it is just one big cliche. Your language limitations steer you towards old familiar expressions with unnerving accuracy. Don't despair, forget song lyrics, write a poem. Use your own words to speak to the reader in whatever way you feel expresses the essence of your thinking. Song lyrics are inherently cliched. Moon, June, spoon, croon.
Just look at one line:
"Night comes and darkness falls" Holy shit...you are kidding me! Now that explains everything....sheesh, such perception. Taking the piss is easy but that is not what I am trying to do. Try:
"Shades drop and shadows blind the day"...or something.Anything but night comes and darkness falls 
No to this. It needs much work. I struggle to find a central metaphor to hold it together but that is because you had no idea where this was going.
Do it again...your way, not Sinatras
Best,
tectak
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