me sits

[benthejack]

whirla twirla eyes
make them look me funny.
I smile, me mile of teeth
But thems see raggely rotten fish
or hungry afrikan fly face kid.

I not smart, me know that aye
smarty face stabber eyes
tell me wif fish look.
but me smiles, smiles at him
all laughs inside, happy anyway.

park bench me firm friend,
but look them rushin' rushers.
What they all hurry for,
do clever man's bread run?
them funny frowners, movin' fast.

Where all the smarties going?
runnin' round like lost kitties.
me sit here watchin quiet,
but thems never still, thems never stop!
poor telligent legs.

clever school must teach the sad
and how to use up knees!
"make them faces upseedown now kiddies!
yur foods fleein! rush, push past.
don't loose yur cow-face now aye!"

But me never did the smarty school,
me food don't fly away like thems.
So me just sit on parkbench
and watch them clever rushers
chasin thems invisible flyin' bread.




----------------------------------
So I've added more, I think its got all the content I wanted to add now

[billy]

for me it's one of those poems that are hard to give feedback on. it reminds me or beercan sanwich. i like the west indies jameercan feel of it. out of all the poem if i had to pick 1 thing that didn't cut the cheese, it would be whirley twirley
how about whirleh twirleh or some way tthat inparts dialect '

other than that, it me friend like park bench

[benthejack]

for me it's one of those poems that are hard to give feedback on. it reminds me or beercan sanwich. i like the west indies jameercan feel of it. out of all the poem if i had to pick 1 thing that didn't cut the cheese, it would be whirley twirley
how about whirleh twirleh or some way tthat inparts dialect '

other than that, it me friend like park bench

Cheers Billy.
I hadn't exactly intended on that particular dialect (to be honest I have no idea what I was going for) but your comments clarified it for me and helped write the rest (I started really late last night and realised I was too tired to finish)

but anyway I've had a refiddle with the first line (what you fink bout whirla twirla?) and added the content I wanted to add.

[billy]

i really like it. it lets you get into it. i'm not sure about the ing words. i've yet to hear an ing in that dialect, laughin' and jokin' sometin' etc. the extra length adds to the poem,

[Pete Ak]

I'm intrigued by what the use of a dialect gives in the writing of a poem... almost like a freedom from the tyrrany of using 'usual' words in the construction of sentences, must be quite a brilliant experience and an interesting way of developing ones poetic muscles! - Inspirational!
With regard to the poem itself, the dialect portrays an attitude (maybe a little stereotyped but that's a very nit-picky). I feel there's an opportunity to explore the idea further perhaps being more positive about the narrator's attitude than critical of "them's" but that may be just a decision of taste. I think this is clever and good.

[benthejack]

Cheers for the comments Billy and Pete.

i really like it. it lets you get into it. i'm not sure about the ing words. i've yet to hear an ing in that dialect, laughin' and jokin' sometin' etc. the extra length adds to the poem,

Yeah your'e right, I'll take the ings out

I'm intrigued by what the use of a dialect gives in the writing of a poem... almost like a freedom from the tyrrany of using 'usual' words in the construction of sentences, must be quite a brilliant experience and an interesting way of developing ones poetic muscles! - Inspirational!
With regard to the poem itself, the dialect portrays an attitude (maybe a little stereotyped but that's a very nit-picky). I feel there's an opportunity to explore the idea further perhaps being more positive about the narrator's attitude than critical of "them's" but that may be just a decision of taste. I think this is clever and good.

thanks Pete, I appreciate the comments!

To be honest I usually agree about pushing a positive rather than critical outlook. The criticality in this poem from another's perspective was intended to be a critique of 'our' lifestyle not the character's. It is intended to show his quiet contentment, and mirror back to us our own "intelligent stupidity". The first two stanzas show how damn judgemental or condescending ( rotten fish - disdain, fly face kid - unjustified pity) we "educated/normal" people are when it is actually us who should be pitied. Why be intelligent if you can be happy and quiet instead? I would personally trade my education for contentment any day, I would much rather be the character of this poem than the supposedly educated rushing rusher I currently am!
The choice of using dialect was to make the character very clearly different to the norm or different to you and me, thus "thems" distinctly becomes you and me rushing around the city chasing god knows what.
I strongly believe that seeing through another's eyes is the best way to understand the flaws and lack of wisdom of our own perspective.

Maybe if this doesn't come across very well I'll have another look at it and try to make his view more appealing, and to make it easier to see our constant stress and "intelligent stupidity" through his eyes.

[billy]

i like the changes you made. the poem feels more real now.

[Malu]

whirla twirla eyes
make them look me funny.
I smile, me mile of teeth
But thems see raggely rotten fish
or hungry afrikan fly face kid.

I not smart, me know that aye
smarty face stabber eyes
tell me wif fish look.
but me smiles, smiles at him
all laughs inside, happy anyway.

park bench me firm friend,
but look them rushin' rushers.
What they all hurry for,
do clever man's bread run?
them funny frowners, movin' fast.

Where all the smarties going?
runnin' round like lost kitties.
me sit here watchin quiet,
but thems never still, thems never stop!
poor telligent legs.

clever school must teach the sad
and how to use up knees!
"make them faces upseedown now kiddies!
yur foods fleein! rush, push past.
don't loose yur cow-face now aye!"

But me never did the smarty school,
me food don't fly away like thems.
So me just sit on parkbench
and watch them clever rushers
chasin thems invisible flyin' bread.




----------------------------------
So I've added more, I think its got all the content I wanted to add now

I can appreciate a poem written in this sort of pure form, that being not really having much of a filter in terms of grammar and what not, but for some reason I just don't like the "me this" because it just sounds like a caveman to me. But this is your poem and that was your choice, and you did a good job not only telling but showing us this story

[tigrflye]

Oh how clever and different! It's not often that I pause my husbands television to read him a poem outloud, but I did this time.. and we both chuckled. Thank you.