Over and over
we go through this grind
Ignoring the warnings
as if we were blind
Lights are snuffed out
before they burn bright
We must rise against this
with all of our might
Brilliant minds
are seen as obscure
Why do they tamper
with things that are pure?
Stuck in a system
where the "just" are corrupt
We must not sit idle
we must interrupt
Tired of the lies
tired of the games
Tired of the wars
that kill and maim
Power to the people
they say to the slaves
But our changes are coming
like a tidal wave
These emotions are raging
about to ignite
We are the people
and we're ending this fight
It expresses something deep and unspeakable, but it does it in a very useless way. The same old righteous indignation that is truly righteous and hopelessly ineffectual. There is a tidal wave coming, but it hasn't come yet, and we don't know what it will be like....This poem has been made in the exact same way with the exact same words hundreds of times. It will keep on being made until, and when and if, the tidal wave comes; but this poem, the way it's expressed, the whole execution from start to finish, will be incidental.
Whatever deep thoughts and feelings led to this poem, you should find some way of speaking them. So far, everything feels secondhand and shallow.
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Hi Lineman,
although his words seem a little harsh, i have to mostly agree with rowens comments. There is nothing new in your poem and almost every stanza has many cliches and near cliches that makes the read very predictable.
Try to find something to show rather than flat statements to tell. The title has plenty of associations to link into images, as rowens said there is something that is well worth expressing within your words, so if you have the stomach for an edit I would encourage you to give it a go.
All the best AJ.
Thanks for the advice! This poem actually started with the thoughts "Brilliant minds are seen as obscure" and "Lights are snuffed out
before they burn bright" in reference to the complex yet under minded skills of some autistic people. I decided to break off and do another poem regarding that but kept those original lines, got lazy, and went with the cliche rebellious idea.
That autistic subject sounds worth the effort.
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(09-13-2013, 03:56 AM)lineman10 Wrote: Thanks for the advice! This poem actually started with the thoughts "Brilliant minds are seen as obscure" and "Lights are snuffed out
before they burn bright" in reference to the complex yet under minded skills of some autistic people. I decided to break off and do another poem regarding that but kept those original lines, got lazy, and went with the cliche rebellious idea.
It is a puzzle to me that response to crit by reasoned explanation more often than not gives more credibility to the poet than the poem itself. Well done you...just don't be lazy next time
That response has Iimited repeatability.
Best,
tectak
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Joined: Sep 2013
Lineman;
your poem is nicely written, but I must echo what others have already said. It's the subject matter that no longer excites this reader; most of us are aware of this perpetual state of affairs with no end in sight. Unfortunately, you have added
no new twist that could make the poem different from the same old litany that my old neighbor recites to his captured audience--me. (On other forums, I have encountered too many poems that expressed the same message, and because of those reoccurring rants I prefer to abstain from writing preachy or moralizing poems of that sort.) I won't say that political poems and rants are off the table, but they must offer new insight on an old theme.
Regards,
Jerry
