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Invisible to beauty
He sees beauty blissfully walking by
Oh the wonderful feeling she gives him
Makes his yearning heart cry
His mind would sense her presence
Then she would appear
But beauty's eyes knows not of him
For his shyness is always there
Maybe one day one day he wish
To stand and fight his fears
So beauty may know of him
And to know he was always there
Edited
My first ever poem.
Dedicated to my upstairs neighbor who doesn't know that i have a crush on her.
It only makes a little sense. You should read it over a few times and see what you mean in each line.
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(09-03-2013, 08:56 AM)rowens Wrote: It only makes a little sense. You should read it over a few times and see what you mean in each line.
I just saw her today, and i started writing on a piece of paper i had the feelings that i felt.
i have no poetry experience
so any help would be appreciated
The last two parts are worded strangely. That's why they don't make much sense. It's obvious what you're saying though. Except for maybe the very last part.
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(09-03-2013, 09:48 AM)rowens Wrote: The last two parts are worded strangely. That's why they don't make much sense. It's obvious what you're saying though. Except for maybe the very last part.
ok i will fix it asap
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(09-03-2013, 08:49 AM)ruagun Wrote: He sees an angel blissfully walking by
Oh the wonderful feeling she gives him I would try to think of a way to show this feeling, something less abstract and more image focused
Makes his yearning heart cry This is less abstract then the previous line (: but does come off as cliche 
His mind would sense her presence
Then she would appear
But beauty's eyes knows not of him not sure how I feel about "beauty's", almost reads as though the girl in the first stanza is beauty personified and that he admires it so much that he is afraid to be beautiful himself, not sure if that was intended. Probably over analyzing here > . <"
For his shyness is always there this is how i feel about myself lol
Maybe one day one day he wish
To not succumb to fear
To get to know this angel
To let beauty know he was all was there
Edit
My first ever poem.
Dedicated to my upstairs neighbor who doesn't know that i have a crush on her.
Admirable first poetry attempt (: I am new a poetry myself.
Your poem does come off as sincere but you could express yourself a lot more poignantly. I think your poem suffers from an abundance of cliches, to me that is its biggest problem. For example referring to her as an "angle" isn't that interesting mostly because its a retired idea.
JMHO,
thnx for sharing, ^_^
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I have made some minor adjustments
I try to use modern slangs because some people just don't understand poetry
Well most of my friends anyway
Maybe something like
He senses her presence
she's there
But beauty's eyes can't see him
for his shyness
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The first part reminds me of the "girl from ipanema".
Throughout the poem it seems as though a lot of clarity is sacrificed for the sake of rhyming. However, for a first try you show some promise.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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The poem itself is a bit awkward, and I can't really discern any emotion or imagery from the words. I know, I am new to poetry as well, but this is just what I feel as a novice.
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(09-03-2013, 08:49 AM)ruagun Wrote: Invisible to beauty
He sees beauty blissfully walking by [cool alliteration with the Bs!]
Oh the wonderful feeling she gives him [this is an empty line - shore it up with an image. something "hard."]
Makes his yearning heart cry [this is a bit generic =[ try another image - piggyback it off my suggested image above]
His mind would sense her presence
Then she would appear
But beauty's eyes knows not of him [I'd change it to "know" for proper grammar ("eyes know"), unless I am mistaken!]
For his shyness is always there
Maybe one day one day he wish [I WANT to say ditch "one day" x2 but...I like it! It makes me think of longing. Nice!]
To stand and fight his fears
So beauty may know of him
And to know he was always there
Edited
My first ever poem.
Dedicated to my upstairs neighbor who doesn't know that i have a crush on her.
Some general notes on the poem, along with my own comments in brackets:
Overall, it's not a bad whack for a first poem, if I do say so myself! I do think you sacrifice your poem's flow/clarity in your sentence structure. You're kind of putting round pegs in square holes in that regard. I think you may want to tailor your poem a bit to make it more "structurally sound" - first, paring down a poem is usually a good start. Get rid of extraneous words (see my comment about stanza 3's first line), remove adverbs (adverbs should be used sparingly, from what I've encountered - but that's always up to opinion!), etc.
Another good idea is to ditch "generic" words. For example, the first line: "He sees beauty." Okay, that's all well and good, but what if you chose a word that has a different connotation to it. What if you say, "he spies beauty..." That gives it that kind of voyeuristic and detached feeling, like the speaker in the song "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. Or you can try other synonyms for the word "sees." I think you can find a more fitting word. Same for the line "for shyness is always there." I think you can try something like, "shyness dwells" or "shyness creeps" or SOMETHING to present the reader with the idea that the shyness is always there without..well, without outright saying it. SHOW, DON'T TELL. =]
This is my first critique on this site. I hope this was helpful and I think you've done a great job here. It's hard to get your stuff out there. I'd love to see some edits on this from you. I'd also love to see more of your stuff.
Good luck!
-betalife
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(09-04-2013, 05:48 AM)betalife Wrote: (09-03-2013, 08:49 AM)ruagun Wrote: Invisible to beauty
He sees beauty blissfully walking by [cool alliteration with the Bs!]
Oh the wonderful feeling she gives him [this is an empty line - shore it up with an image. something "hard."]
Makes his yearning heart cry [this is a bit generic =[ try another image - piggyback it off my suggested image above]
His mind would sense her presence
Then she would appear
But beauty's eyes knows not of him [I'd change it to "know" for proper grammar ("eyes know"), unless I am mistaken!]
For his shyness is always there
Maybe one day one day he wish [I WANT to say ditch "one day" x2 but...I like it! It makes me think of longing. Nice!]
To stand and fight his fears
So beauty may know of him
And to know he was always there
Edited
My first ever poem.
Dedicated to my upstairs neighbor who doesn't know that i have a crush on her.
Some general notes on the poem, along with my own comments in brackets:
Overall, it's not a bad whack for a first poem, if I do say so myself! I do think you sacrifice your poem's flow/clarity in your sentence structure. You're kind of putting round pegs in square holes in that regard. I think you may want to tailor your poem a bit to make it more "structurally sound" - first, paring down a poem is usually a good start. Get rid of extraneous words (see my comment about stanza 3's first line), remove adverbs (adverbs should be used sparingly, from what I've encountered - but that's always up to opinion!), etc.
Another good idea is to ditch "generic" words. For example, the first line: "He sees beauty." Okay, that's all well and good, but what if you chose a word that has a different connotation to it. What if you say, "he spies beauty..." That gives it that kind of voyeuristic and detached feeling, like the speaker in the song "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. Or you can try other synonyms for the word "sees." I think you can find a more fitting word. Same for the line "for shyness is always there." I think you can try something like, "shyness dwells" or "shyness creeps" or SOMETHING to present the reader with the idea that the shyness is always there without..well, without outright saying it. SHOW, DON'T TELL. =]
This is my first critique on this site. I hope this was helpful and I think you've done a great job here. It's hard to get your stuff out there. I'd love to see some edits on this from you. I'd also love to see more of your stuff.
Good luck!
Thank you so much beta life for you opinion,
you may have just giving me inspiration for my next piece.
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