Weathervane

[betalife]

Weathervane

In sudden twilight tempest, snared in wind and wet,
I sought the nearest shelter phantomed by the storm —
Nothing but a ghostly barn,
Fraying like a snip of yarn.

So unrehearsed as I in gale and rain's duet,
I haply blundered through the melody's torrential swarm
Until I reached the barn entombed
Upon the rainscape like a womb.

The drizzly chorus droned outside; a silhouette
Of rafters overhead bowed refrains deformed
And wrought my heart a weathervane —
Oddly dry despite the rain.

NOTE: This is inspired by Thomas Hardy's writing style. He "invents" his own words, so I tried that here, too. I also tried using a definite rhyme scheme and meter. Thank you for reading and critiquing!

[Swine]

I think this is absolutely beautiful. Poetry is subjective just like any art form, but this one is particularly beautiful to me. Its feels dark and dramatic and melancholic... yet peaceful and honest. I feel like sometimes people use elaborate details and an overly complicated vocabulary to seem "smart" or established, but in doing so it loses its honesty and humanity. Yours is just as dramatic yet still so real. Beautiful.

[betalife]

I think this is absolutely beautiful. Poetry is subjective just like any art form, but this one is particularly beautiful to me. Its feels dark and dramatic and melancholic... yet peaceful and honest. I feel like sometimes people use elaborate details and an overly complicated vocabulary to seem "smart" or established, but in doing so it loses its honesty and humanity. Yours is just as dramatic yet still so real. Beautiful.

Wow! Thank you so much for your input!!!!

[milo]

Hello there.

I like the rhyme scheme, I am not as enamored with the archaic language. I see you were modelling after Hardy and I am aware he used some archaisms, I just don't think they work as well in modern poetry with the exception of satire.

Weathervane

In sudden twilight tempest, snared in wind and wet,
I sought the nearest shelter phantomed by the storm —
Nothing but a ghostly barn,
Fraying like a snip of yarn.

I think "A" would work better than "In"
"phantomed" has an indefinite antecedent. While I suppose it doesn't make that much of a difference, resolving it detracted from my read the first three times. You end on a fragment. /What/ is "Nothing but . . etc"

So unrehearsed as I in gale and rain's duet,
I haply blundered through the melody's torrential swarm
Until I reached the barn entombed
Upon the rainscape like a womb.

The first line is an inversion. It would most likely have passed in Hardy's time except, you used "as" which cries out for a comparative. IOW /What/ is as unrehearsed as N in gale? "Haply" is not just a dreadful archaism, but I think you are using it wrong, it means "by chance or happenstance" as far as I know. "barn entombed"? This is a strange image that offers no clues for reconciliation. Entombed in what? If it is within the rainscape you need to switch to within, upon literally means up on. Also, it should be "a barn . . ." not "the barn" as you reader has not yet been introduced to this magnificent entombed barn.

The drizzly chorus droned outside; a silhouette
Of rafters overhead bowed refrains deformed

I cannot parse this into English. The problem occurs around "bowed refrains deformed" You are also missing a soft syllable in front of "bowed" (unless you are using the archaic pronunciation, but I certainly saw no evidence of that.

And wrought my heart a weathervane —
Oddly dry despite the rain.

The way this reads is that rafters somehow wrought a weathervane for your heart? This is strange indeed.

NOTE: This is inspired by Thomas Hardy's writing style. He "invents" his own words, so I tried that here, too. I also tried using a definite rhyme scheme and meter. Thank you for reading and critiquing!

overall, your meter is pretty good, your rhymes are good, you are using imagery and narrative and that is enjoyable as well.

The biggest problems are created by you chaining yourself to a sometimes used/sometimes not archaic diction, inversions and some clarity problems created, most lkely by twisting your syntax to fit your meter/rhymes.

I am certain you can craft this into an interesting little saga with a few rewrites focused on clarity and modern diction.

Good luck.

Thanks for posting.

---

(just noticed this was in novice. Disregard what you think may be above your current skill level)

[betalife]

Wow, thanks for the comprehensive critique! I will re-read and attempt to re-work the poem with your suggested edits and see what happens. I am humbled and sincerely appreciative of your digging into my poem. I see your criticisms - archaic can be strange in these times. I just absolutely LOVE Hardy and he was clearly on my mind when I wrote this.

As a note, I was using the word "haply" in an attempt to capture the movement of the speaker - stuck in a rainstorm and sort of fumbling around just to get to the barn and get out of the sudden storm. I figured "by chance" sort of fit in that regard. The meter in that line also changes (from 6 to 7, to literally "jar" the reader as the speaker does not fit in with the weather's duet). Apparently, my use of that word didn't go over the way I wanted it to...=] Oh well!

Thank you very much.

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site! I very much enjoyed this. You could post it in Mild at least, and not be out of place. A few brief comments below:

Weathervane

In sudden twilight tempest, snared in wind and wet,
I sought the nearest shelter phantomed by the storm —--I loved phantomed (verbing the noun), I also like how it thematically played off ghostly in the next line
Nothing but a ghostly barn,
Fraying like a snip of yarn.--This is also a nice image to give a sense of what ghostly looks like in the previous line

So unrehearsed as I in gale and rain's duet,
I haply blundered through the melody's torrential swarm
Until I reached the barn entombed
Upon the rainscape like a womb.--I loved the phrase rainscape and I liked the idea of a musical duet between wind and rain. That said, from a content perspective entombed and womb while a nice rhyme feel off. It sounds nice but in what way is a womb entombed? Also, if the barn is frayed the womb wouldn't hold together properly. Could just be my issues.

The drizzly chorus droned outside; a silhouette
Of rafters overhead bowed refrains deformed
And wrought my heart a weathervane —--two words I think not one
Oddly dry despite the rain.--I like the sounds of it all, but again I'm struggling with the "and this leads to this result". My issues are less with execution and more with how the content seems to flow and hold together.

NOTE: This is inspired by Thomas Hardy's writing style. He "invents" his own words, so I tried that here, too. I also tried using a definite rhyme scheme and meter. Thank you for reading and critiquing!

There's a lot I like here. I hope some of the commentary will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[milo]

Wow, thanks for the comprehensive critique! I will re-read and attempt to re-work the poem with your suggested edits and see what happens. I am humbled and sincerely appreciative of your digging into my poem. I see your criticisms - archaic can be strange in these times. I just absolutely LOVE Hardy and he was clearly on my mind when I wrote this.

As a note, I was using the word "haply" in an attempt to capture the movement of the speaker - stuck in a rainstorm and sort of fumbling around just to get to the barn and get out of the sudden storm. I figured "by chance" sort of fit in that regard. The meter in that line also changes (from 6 to 7, to literally "jar" the reader as the speaker does not fit in with the weather's duet). Apparently, my use of that word didn't go over the way I wanted it to...=] Oh well!

Thank you very much.

One of the big problem created with archaisms is that they weren't archaic at the time they were in use, so today it tends to read like satire, especially considering the second problem - being less familiar with archaic diction, modern writers don't use them consistently creating a bit of an awkward hodge podge.

I also love Hardy, so I can see the draw. I could certainly see how this writing was inspired by Hardy, especially his love for drawing a scene.