Falling

[Keith]

Edit 2
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open lips sip moisture from the flowers,
that bow their heads before they take your hand.
soft pastels brought to life by summer showers
set free the captured eyes that watch you stand.
This moment breaks on noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
Again, the window tastes the tap of rain;
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

[ChristopherSea]

I am not one to critique sonnets very well, but I’ll try. L3 needs one more beat, L7 one less. I won’t check your iambs, as there are plenty here that will. I saw a little fairy herein, but some descriptors might fit a hummingbird if you put wings on it. I have a garden statuette that would fit in here quite nicely. The title may suggest something else. The last two couplets are my favorite./Chris

[billy]

lots to like Keith. it's a great attempt at a sonnet and the meter is almost nailed. i'm presuming falling is falling in love? thanks to leanne and milo and trueenigma, i'm beginning to see the worth of breaking the strict iambic meter, i'd go over it though to make sure you know where it did break from it's strictness.
solid love poem, i enjoyed the read.

You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you a suggestion would be [the garden's freshness ....] in order to reclaim the lost half foot
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower, i stumbled here a bit on the meter.
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers i'd lose the s off showers to make a perfect rhyme
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand. a suggestion would be to lose [have] in order to make the two lines have an even meter of +and - half a foot, (milo or leane can explain it better than i
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet, a great image
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame. again/frame just make it as slant rhyme (i think)

[Keith]

I am not one to critique sonnets very well, but I’ll try. L3 needs one more beat, L7 one less. I won’t check your iambs, as there are plenty here that will. I saw a little fairy herein, but some descriptors might fit a hummingbird if you put wings on it. I have a garden statuette that would fit in here quite nicely. The title may suggest something else. The last two couplets are my favorite./Chris

Chris thank you for the feedback I will try and sort out the beats, I like the things you see within the lines, almost a poem in their own right. Best Keith

---

lots to like Keith. it's a great attempt at a sonnet and the meter is almost nailed. i'm presuming falling is falling in love? thanks to leanne and milo and trueenigma, i'm beginning to see the worth of breaking the strict iambic meter, i'd go over it though to make sure you know where it did break from it's strictness.
solid love poem, i enjoyed the read.

You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you a suggestion would be [the garden's freshness ....] in order to reclaim the lost half foot
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower, i stumbled here a bit on the meter.
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers i'd lose the s off showers to make a perfect rhyme
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand. a suggestion would be to lose [have] in order to make the two lines have an even meter of +and - half a foot, (milo or leane can explain it better than i
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet, a great image
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame. again/frame just make it as slant rhyme (i think)

Many thanks Billy for such considered feedback it all very helpful and I think I have addressed most of the issues you raise in the Edit. I really do need to read the help that the site provided on beat and meter as both are becoming more important I now realise. Cheers K

[tectak]

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers, flowrs not flow/ers but wtf
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers showrs not show/ers but wtf squared
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand. "set free the captured eyes that watch you stand" Your poem. Iambs.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

---

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Hello tomh,
I was away for the launch of this one but never intended to ignore it. This is right up my street, sonnet form or not there is a natural determination in 3XABAB+GG which you have beautifully cashed in on.
The edit works to enhance the precision and hence the verity of the sentiment expressed. Iambs notwithstanding, you have written a clean and acomplished piece and I wish you (and me) more of them. It is a keeper.
Best,
tectak

[ray]

First 6 lines are fine, lines 3 and 4 I like a lot. You don't need "the" before flowers. After that I feel determination to rhyme and be metrical undermine all.
You have at the start of every other line the pastels/ the moment/ the paving stones/ the sweetest rain. I guess this is the kind of thing that's likely to occur when you're looking too much in the other direction.

[Keith]

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers, flowrs not flow/ers but wtf
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers showrs not show/ers but wtf squared
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand. "set free the captured eyes that watch you stand" Your poem. Iambs.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

---

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.


Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Hello tomh,
I was away for the launch of this one but never intended to ignore it. This is right up my street, sonnet form or not there is a natural determination in 3XABAB+GG which you have beautifully cashed in on.
The edit works to enhance the precision and hence the verity of the sentiment expressed. Iambs notwithstanding, you have written a clean and acomplished piece and I wish you (and me) more of them. It is a keeper.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak
thank you for your feed back and comment all very helpful still on a learning curve with iambs stress and unstressed and all that. Cant settle with this one so edit 2. cheers TOMH

---

First 6 lines are fine, lines 3 and 4 I like a lot. You don't need "the" before flowers. After that I feel determination to rhyme and be metrical undermine all.
You have at the start of every other line the pastels/ the moment/ the paving stones/ the sweetest rain. I guess this is the kind of thing that's likely to occur when you're looking too much in the other direction.

Hi Ray
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I take your point about the line starts and I will have a look at these in the edit, your comments have merit in that the end rhymes are obvious and hence feel a little forced. I just cant bring myself to deconstruct the lines any further so I will leave them for now. Many thanks TOMH

[tectak]

Edit 2
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open lips sip moisture from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand. heads
Pastels brought to life by summer showers 6inches short. Awkward but " Soft PAStels BROUGHT to LIFE by SUMMer flowrs(?)"
give grace to grateful eyes that watch you stand.
This moment breaks on noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
my sweetest rain taps windows once again, My sweetest...capital M.Strictly, a semi colon after again
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.
Voila!
tectak

Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

[Keith]

Edit 2
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open lips sip moisture from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand. heads
Pastels brought to life by summer showers 6inches short. Awkward but " Soft PAStels BROUGHT to LIFE by SUMMer flowrs(?)"
give grace to grateful eyes that watch you stand.
This moment breaks on noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
my sweetest rain taps windows once again, My sweetest...capital M.Strictly, a semi colon after again
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Edit 1
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
The gardens freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your open mouth drinks droplets from the flowers,
that bow their head before they take your hand.
The pastels brought to life by summer showers
grace the captured eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows in your name,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.
Voila!
tectak

Original
You're dancing barefoot in the morning dew,
to lose yourself in nature's waking call.
Garden freshness seems to breathe through you
and spiders spin their webs lest you should fall.
Your lips sip pure water from a flower,
that bows its head before it takes your hand.
The traces left by heavy summer showers
have given grace to eyes that watch you stand.
The moment breaks with noises in the street,
you turn your smile and see me move away.
The paving stones are patterned by damp feet,
that follow me to arms that hold your sway.
The sweetest rain taps windows once again,
our first embrace adds colour to the frame.

Many thanks tectak I have made the corrections to the 2nd edit. Cheers Keith

[Truerenigma]

Hi Keith,

This is coming along nicely, the second edit is pretty smooth. The only thing I'm having trouble with is the the couplet, because the consonance isn't there. But I pronounce it "agehn". Consonance are usually usually stronger than assonance when using near/ half rhymes.

I'm sure you probably pronounce the hard A and it most likely rhymes fine for you. Just my thoughts.

---

One other thought, if you could find a way to shift "rain"out to the end of the line, you would have a much stronger line break on a noun, and the rhyme would work better too, because of the "r" sound.

[milo]

Hi Keith,

This is coming along nicely, the second edit is pretty smooth. The only thing I'm having trouble with is the the couplet, because the consonance isn't there. But I pronounce it "agehn". Consonance are usually usually stronger than assonance when using near/ half rhymes.

I'm sure you probably pronounce the hard A and it most likely rhymes fine for you. Just my thoughts.

---

One other thought, if you could find a way to shift "rain"out to the end of the line, you would have a much stronger line break on a noun, and the rhyme would work better too, because of the "r" sound.

again, the window tastes the tap of rain - ?

[Keith]

Hi Keith,

This is coming along nicely, the second edit is pretty smooth. The only thing I'm having trouble with is the the couplet, because the consonance isn't there. But I pronounce it "agehn". Consonance are usually usually stronger than assonance when using near/ half rhymes.

I'm sure you probably pronounce the hard A and it most likely rhymes fine for you. Just my thoughts.

---

One other thought, if you could find a way to shift "rain"out to the end of the line, you would have a much stronger line break on a noun, and the rhyme would work better too, because of the "r" sound.

I see what your saying just not sure how to sort it yet so thanks I will have a think. Bets TOMH

---

Hi Keith,

This is coming along nicely, the second edit is pretty smooth. The only thing I'm having trouble with is the the couplet, because the consonance isn't there. But I pronounce it "agehn". Consonance are usually usually stronger than assonance when using near/ half rhymes.

I'm sure you probably pronounce the hard A and it most likely rhymes fine for you. Just my thoughts.

---

One other thought, if you could find a way to shift "rain"out to the end of the line, you would have a much stronger line break on a noun, and the rhyme would work better too, because of the "r" sound.

again, the window tastes the tap of rain - ?

Thank you Milo I will take that. Best TOMH

[Truerenigma]

Tomh, you forgot the "s"in "tastes".

[Keith]

Tomh, you forgot the "s"in "tastes".

Thanks, it was getting late/early well that's my excuse. Best TOMH