Couch Potato

[PoetryAndPhysics]

To be out of shape is to run circles.
When you jog miles after months as couch potato,
breathing = wheezing,
and your body is a Syrian rebellion:
brain's full of furtive tweets hinting reconciliation,
lactic acid is a muscle culling chemical weapon,
feet and toenails threaten sectarian bloodshed.
Meanwhile, each hill is a climb to Mordor
that every passing car laconically scales......

Please God, let me rest and breathe and sweat buckets
and twist my arms to my hips
and thrust my head to the sun
in a slow, Jagger-like strut
towards the cool, shady woods
where I can faceplant the dirt
and inhale it 'til I'm dizzy
and make there a home out of twigs and brush.

[Leanne]

This is a really enjoyable journey into pop culture, with some nice social commentary running (!) through it.

To be out of shape is to run circles. -- great opening line
When you jog miles after months as couch potato,
breathing = wheezing, -- could probably do without the comma here
and your body is a Syrian rebellion:
brain's full of furtive tweets hinting reconciliation, -- could go with "brain full of/ lactic acid a muscle..." just for economy
lactic acid is a muscle culling chemical weapon,
feet and toenails threaten sectarian bloodshed.
Meanwhile, each hill is a climb to Mordor
which every passing car laconically scales...... -- should probably be "that", not "which"... and only three dots in an ellipsis... no pause is that big

Please God, let me rest and breathe and sweat buckets -- deliberate cliche? If so, fine, but otherwise I'm sure you know what I'd suggest
and twist my arms to my hips
and thrust my head to the sun
in a slow, Jagger-like strut -- probably don't need "slow" here, it's implied
towards the cool, shady woods
where I can faceplant the dirt
and inhale it 'till I'm dizzy -- 'til or till
and make there a home out of twigs and brush. -- love the closing image but not so keen on this inverted syntax: "make there a home" -- it's the only place you use it and it's just odd

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi Leanne, thanks very much for the crit, will change the "'till" and the "which" to start with. Glad you liked the pop culture references, I feel I need to work on those if they're to be kept in the poem. I like very much the idea of describing that very tired feeling after (for me) a jog, when you're just slowly circling the block one last time before the sun sets. I think the second stanza does that well enough...need to build on it. Thanks again.

[billy]

some of the references such as mordor from TLOTR are pleasingly funny
i read this and meant to come back with some feedback
lots to like and little to suggest in way of edits.

thanks for the read.

To be out of shape is to run circles. i felt this line needs more but i have no suggestions. it could be me but i can't make it work
When you jog miles after months as couch potato, i think [a] before couch would add more than not having it does.
breathing = wheezing,
and your body is a Syrian rebellion: solid image/metaphor
brain's full of furtive tweets hinting reconciliation,
lactic acid is a muscle culling chemical weapon,
feet and toenails threaten sectarian bloodshed.
Meanwhile, each hill is a climb to Mordor
that every passing car laconically scales...... good use of scales.

Please God, let me rest and breathe and sweat buckets
and twist my arms to my hips
and thrust my head to the sun lots of and's but they sort of help with the breathlessness that runs through the poem.
in a slow, Jagger-like strut
towards the cool, shady woods
where I can faceplant the dirt
and inhale it 'til I'm dizzy
and make there a home out of twigs and brush. it's crazy how you go from one extreme to another but it's also funny and i enjoy getting from the couch to the outdoor living