June

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow.

[Malu]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still. You could lose round and wooden, and we'll still have the same image.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown. Why is "Not" capitalized when it only followed a comma?
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time Trying to rhyme pine and time, not bad, but the grammar doesn't help it flow very well.
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known, Where else would they fly? That's an unnecessary detail. And I think you were trying to rhyme abode and unknown, didn't work very well.
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow. Interesting and rather confusing ending.

Some imagery details were not needed. The story isn't bad, but could be strengthened.

[Legoloofa]

I like how you captured the moment of you in that specific instant of time. It sounds as if the story has just begun though and I want to find out what you are doing there. This place you are in makes you feel strongly about something with the line
"It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow." (my fav)
All the rest of the lines are strictly observational.
Maybe try expanding more on the feeling you get from the space after describing it to us so we could get a sense of what is going through your mind.

Hope this helps.

[Jacob]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still. A 5th? Giving a quantitative amount prompts me to consider the actual size of the barrel, perhaps lose the "5th" and think of how to convey half empty/half full differently.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown. What is the space below? I'm seeing a gravel driveway and not sure if I should
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow.

---

I like this poem a lot, as was said by another poster-it's a passage of a moment- a feeling of silence aside from bird songs in a familiar space, and it seems, a topic you've thought on or felt for some time. You are giving an observational account of what comes to mind in a place, and from your title, "June", at the beginning of summer. As a reader I have a hard time finding the importance of describing such images; these images would seem trivial without the title. I'm not saying you need to have emotion because poetry isn't all about describing a feeling and such. It's just that right now the narrative is purely an observational eye. I like how you describe the water as "still" to signify that the air is still as well, a motif that is brought out again in the last line.

[cessa]

Along with the other posters, I like that you captured a moment in time. I find those "moments" relaxing to read about, particularly in this one how you referenced "rain water" and "pine." It gives me the feeling of those wonderful, silent moments just after a rainstorm.

I was confused by the line "a home built with time," though. When poets reference something being done "with time" it tends to conjure an image of some slow, natural process. A rock being eroded with time, a forest growing with time, etc. The use of a home being built with time seems...unnatural to me and it makes me wonder if you were just looking for a rhyme.

[Error]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye. Slightly confusing, to me. The link here seems vague and conjures no real sensory indication of the heat you describe.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow. So, so very captivating, but the context is lost/absent to the point where I'm inclined to come away more quizzical than moved.

I like the idea of the mostly-drained barrel, but agree with Malu and Jacob that the focus on unnecessary description detracts from it. There's so much sentiment hinted at in the tender descriptions of the home, the surroundings and in the now-barren ground, but much of this is lost in attempts at rhyme or through excess trivial descriptions.

The final line kills me.
We're introduced to a beloved home, surrounded by nature but yet scorched by the heat to the point where nothing really feels alive within the text except the familiar sound of birds in the sky. The trees and house (even the still water) are locked in time, and nothing is growing or changing, but yet-... But yet-...! The final line leaves a promise of some change, I think, as it reads for me.

All in all, a really lovely piece, but I find it heavily obscured by the aforementioned difficulties. I'd personally love to see you try to flesh it out with the tiniest bit more emotive and (informative) descriptive language, just to clarify the hints at mood already present and tie up some of the more confusing loose strings others have mentioned. Hope this helps in some way! ^_^

[tectak]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow.

Hi RC,
Forgive me for reformatting your layout but my head does this to poetry anyway. This is how I read you. Look at it, read it with me. Begin.
The opening sentence isn't. What does "still" mean? Unmoving or remaining? The context is unclear. Irritating. Next line.What gravel? What space?OK. Think.Is this barrel a house? A dwelling place? Are we talking about a gravel drive or parking area? So what does the rainwater refer to? And grass...not growing...in gravel...so what? Nope. Beats me. To the left? Left of what? Pine you say? No. Oaks. No. Maples.AHA!It IS an abode! Obscured but why?Why? The birds sing a quite known song? Huh? Makes no sense.Heat is compounding?Nor does that. Or is it quite known, heat?After all, it's only a comma.Hmmm...and if the wind "will" blow? "...if only the wind blows". Surely.
Now, you can see how a pleasing concept can be ruined by poetically "inspired" imprecision. The reader spends more time trying to work out what the writer is "trying" to say than on the essence of the piece. Shame.
Best,
tectak


Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.
Gravel litters the space below, not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known, heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground isbroken only if the wind will blow.

[FayandFire]

Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known, Maybe put a . not a , unless that's what you were going for.
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow.

I got that this was a moment in time that clearly made you think of something. I just wish I knew what that was. There's a lot of good detailed description here that many posters say distracts from the meaning of your piece and they may be right. What's really important? What are you really trying to say? This moment in June, was it just a moment to share, or something meaningful and thought provoking. I, as your possibly daft reader just didn't see the significance. My best advice is take everyone one else's.
Thanks for the read.
- Fay