Feeling Snowy

[FayandFire]

Snowflake I envy,
how you can fall so far
and still land in one piece.
The brilliance of you,
mesmerizing, white, untainted.
Despite the foggy water you probably came from,
no one could tell you were ever unclean.

I watch you from the window
as you calmly collect yourself,
filling sidewalk cracks and lightly dusting trees.
Soon all you touch will be just as sparkling
While I sit inside and wish myself clean.

With eyes closed, I hold my breath
and imagine my life as you.
Without warning evaporation takes me,
Just as quickly the sky drops me,
I land lightly but there was no choice in this.

Snowflake I envied you,
until you melted.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Hi Fay, I like the idea of this poem a lot. You've executed it very well for quite a worn out topic. I think it would benefit more from a line by line:

Snowflake I envy, Sounds a little awkward to me, though I can't say how to fix it
how you can fall so far
and still land in one piece.
The brilliance of you,
mesmerizing, white, untainted.
Despite the foggy water you probably came from,
no one could tell you were ever unclean.

I watch you from the window
as you calmly collect yourself,
filling sidewalk cracks and lightly dusting trees.
Soon all you touch will be just as sparkling
While I sit inside and wish myself clean.

With eyes closed, I hold my breath
and imagine my life as you.
Without warning evaporation takes me,
Just as quickly the sky drops me, 'Me' is said a bit too much, I'd try rewording this line
I land lightly but there was no choice in this.

Snowflake I envied you,
until you melted. The idea at the end here is brilliant - but I'm sorry to say this part doesn't work for me at all. I'm sure some will disagree, though

Everything I haven't commenting on I think is great - a lovely poem

[serge gurkski]

What a catchy title!
I ll come back to this.

cheers

serge

[FayandFire]

Hi Fay, I like the idea of this poem a lot. You've executed it very well for quite a worn out topic. I think it would benefit more from a line by line:

Snowflake I envy, Sounds a little awkward to me, though I can't say how to fix it
how you can fall so far
and still land in one piece.
The brilliance of you,
mesmerizing, white, untainted.
Despite the foggy water you probably came from,
no one could tell you were ever unclean.

I watch you from the window
as you calmly collect yourself,
filling sidewalk cracks and lightly dusting trees.
Soon all you touch will be just as sparkling
While I sit inside and wish myself clean.

With eyes closed, I hold my breath
and imagine my life as you.
Without warning evaporation takes me,
Just as quickly the sky drops me, 'Me' is said a bit too much, I'd try rewording this line
I land lightly but there was no choice in this.

Snowflake I envied you,
until you melted. The idea at the end here is brilliant - but I'm sorry to say this part doesn't work for me at all. I'm sure some will disagree, though

Everything I haven't commenting on I think is great - a lovely poem

Thanks for the tips and the kind words! I had no idea I was writing about a worn out topic. Is it the snow or the idea of purity within the snow that's been worn? Also I was curious about why the end didn't work for you. Anyways thanks again you have given me some things to think about- I appreciate it

---

What a catchy title!
I ll come back to this.

cheers

serge

Thanks Serge glad you liked it.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Snow in general I find is often written about - the purity of snow tends to tie in with that so I suppose you could say both.

I had a think about the ending and I think it's because it's less graceful than the rest of the poem. I'm not sure. It doesn't fit in for me. It's not a bad ending, but I'm sure someone could suggest other things that would add to it

[FayandFire]

Ahh Okay that makes since. I noticed for me it seemed kind of abrupt and I almost made it "but then you melted" instead so I see what your saying. Thanks again