What happened to the romance

[Kahollandjr]

Remember the first touch that made your heart race,
Or locking eyes with no combination or key to break the stare,
When stress and a bad day ended with passionate kisses and forgetful minds
Sweat raining down your bodies washing away the days stress
When holding that special person at night was the prescription to life's illness
And slow music and love trumped any other thrills
How did shaking it on a pole evolve from the slow dance,
Which all leads me to the question, what happened to the romance

We have a love of lust instead of lusting for love
Equating the addition of more sex partners to the sum of being a man
Subtracting out feelings and dividing our families daily
How can two people connect physically
then lay together as strangers yet to meet
Falsified feelings freely fleeing these broken hearts
We are apprentices of happiness, instead of mastering the art
Meeting people with years of baggage and listening to their rants
all leads me to the question, what happened to the romance

Did our parents paint a picture that we all fail to replicate,
Or maybe they weren't in love at all that's something to investigate,
Did we fail after our hearts were torn
No longer able to heal loves painful wounds,
Are we on a downward path headed to lustful tombs
Looking at broken women leads me to recant
Are the special moments gone what happened to the romance


I look forward to your feedback and thank you in advance. Please give me any advice for the title, edits I need to make or any other advice.

[billy]

if the titles in the subject heading (as it is here) there's no need to write it out again or else it appears twice in quick succession.

we don't don't line by lines here but you can still get some decent feedback

my first suggestion would be to cut away any excess verbiage.

the 1st line feels wordy.

remember the first touch

if that first touch made her heart race, she'll remember it. it's a given because the title tells us what the poem's about.

the metaphore in the 2nd line is a valiant effort but feels too poetical. like your trying too hard to state what happened. (watch out for cliche it is your enemy )

the 3rd line is much better. though i think you could remove 'when' and split the line at ended.

whatch out for confusion. you say 'your bodies' do you mean 'our bodies'?
try not to use too many words that end with [ing]

i like the refrain at the end of each stanza. at present it feels sory like in it's reading.

"What happened to the romance"

Remember the first touch that made your heart race,
Or locking eyes with no combination or key to break the stare,
When stress and a bad day ended with passionate kisses and forgetful minds
Sweat raining down your bodies washing away the days stress
When holding that special person at night was the prescription to life's illness
And slow music and love trumped any other thrills
How did shaking it on a pole evolve from the slow dance,
Which all leads me to the question, what happened to the romance

We have a love of lust instead of lusting for love
Equating the addition of more sex partners to the sum of being a man
Subtracting out feelings and dividing our families daily
How can two people connect physically
then lay together as strangers yet to meet
Falsified feelings freely fleeing these broken hearts
We are apprentices of happiness, instead of mastering the art
Meeting people with years of baggage and listening to their rants
all leads me to the question, what happened to the romance

Did our parents paint a picture that we all fail to replicate,
Or maybe they weren't in love at all that's something to investigate,
Did we fail after our hearts were torn
No longer able to heal loves painful wounds,
Are we on a downward path headed to lustful tombs
Looking at broken women leads me to recant
Are the special moments gone what happened to the romance


I look forward to your feedback and thank you in advance. Please give me any advice for the title, edits I need to make or any other advice.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Billy has covered everything I picked up, but I'd also think about adding in some punctuation to make it more clear.