Untitled Poem

[mao]

This is really the first poem I've ever written -- aside from some embarrassing stuff I would have written as a teenager. Was sitting in the park today and the first stanza came to mind, so I wrote it out real quick. Criticism is very much appreciated. No title because I can't do titles in general.

edit: I posted this in "mild critique" really because the poem is a first draft and not polished. But don't be at all sparing in any criticisms you have.


Oh ghost! sing me your sorry song
with speed, for I must go ere long;
Do let me hear with bated breath
of deeds of men, of strife, of death.

"Was fast by here," that ghost did say,
"Where battle shook that awful day,
Where leagues of rough souls did depart,
Where grace found home in no man's heart.

"Oft had I heard such scenes unfold
in tales to frighten meek or bold,
yet to no glory did we climb,
ne'er of our names will voices chime.

"The purple banners long retired,
Gen'rals' eyes showed not Ares' fire;
was mud and men and death and me:
bards' songs impart not clemency.

"Believe not what the epics tell,
in them you hear not pain's harsh yell;
They're fit for only childrens' ears
and not to drive grown men to tears."

[billy]

often the title is the soul of the poem. i suggest use a stand in title if you're not sure what to title it as. if you can write a poem like this, you can do a title

it has an epic feel to it mainly because some of the language is archaic. i don't see that as a problem though as the poem is about long fought war/wars. the meter changes in places from iambic to trochee to spondee to anapaest. that said it's done in a way that the meter doesn't have any hycups, (leanne's the one for meter though so don't take anything i say about it for granted. the last line is cliche, the poem in gen'ral reads well and has some epic feel to it. it doesn't need a lot of an edit, that's for sure
thanks for the read.

This is really the first poem I've ever written -- aside from some embarrassing stuff I would have written as a teenager. Was sitting in the park today and the first stanza came to mind, so I wrote it out real quick. Criticism is very much appreciated. No title because I can't do titles in general.

edit: I posted this in "mild critique" really because the poem is a first draft and not polished. But don't be at all sparing in any criticisms you have.


Oh ghost! sing me your sorry song
with speed, for I must go ere long;
Do let me hear with bated breath
of deeds of men, of strife, of death. a suggestion would be, the deeds of men,.....4 of's feels at least 1 to many.

"Was fast by here," that ghost did say,
"Where battle shook that awful day,
Where leagues of rough souls did depart, did feels forced to fit the meter though i could only suggest would; which isn't much better (sorry)
Where grace found home in no man's heart.

"Oft had I heard such scenes unfold
in tales to frighten meek or bold,
yet to no glory did we climb,
ne'er of our names will voices chime.

"The purple banners long retired,
Gen'rals' eyes showed not Ares' fire;
was mud and men and death and me:
bards' songs impart not clemency.

"Believe not what the epics tell,
in them you hear not pain's harsh yell;
They're fit for only childrens' ears should it be children's?
and not to drive grown men to tears."

[mao]

it has an epic feel to it mainly because some of the language is archaic.

in that same park i had just finished the last 80 or so pages of paradise lost

thanks for the response.

[Leanne]

Oh ghost! sing me your sorry song
with speed, for I must go ere long;
Do let me hear with bated breath
of deeds of men, of strife, of death.

"Was fast by here," that ghost did say,
"Where battle shook that awful day,
Where leagues of rough souls did depart,
Where grace found home in no man's heart.

"Oft had I heard such scenes unfold
in tales to frighten meek or bold,
yet to no glory did we climb,
ne'er of our names will voices chime. -- this line's mucked up your meter -- if you must stick to the archaic language and you don't mind inverting a bit of syntax (as it seems you don't), then I'd suggest "our names will ne'er in voices chime"

"The purple banners long retired,
Gen'rals' eyes showed not Ares' fire; -- to make this fit I think you're going to have to lose Ares -- you start on a trochee here (DUM-da) but the rest of the lines start on iambs (da-DUM) and for that reason, matching syllable counts make no difference. You might get away with "in gen'rals' eyes dimmed Ares' fire" or some such I suppose
was mud and men and death and me:
bards' songs impart not clemency. -- these two lines are lovely

"Believe not what the epics tell,
in them you hear not pain's harsh yell;
They're fit for only childrens' ears
and not to drive grown men to tears."

Overall, I do like it and it definitely shows that you have a flair for this sort of thing so I'm delighted to see you here. This poem has quite an heroic air about it and although the language is archaic it does match the subject matter. I know how hard it is to get those classics out of your mind and start writing in different directions, so hopefully you'll stay around to work through that and show us how you develop as a poet.

---

As for a title, you could always steal a quote from Milton to reference if you liked... perhaps something along the lines of "Who overcomes by force"... those who recognise it will enjoy it, and for those who don't, it would still make sense in relation to the poem