The Tender (part 1 of 4)

[qwerty_H]

The Tender
1. Entre Chien et Loup

I remember a much simpler time:
When I awoke to heaven's golden prow
and knelt to skim the sea from silt
into my earthen jug, which I would carry
deep within where vegetation was so thick
the virgin growth was choked by ancient
roots to form a clearing where
the faces of the elder gods were etched
in time-acne'd stone and pour
the sea into the cistern.
I remember the beast that came
on mangled paws, the beast that fed
on its own paws, and how it broke
the root-grown walls and paused,
laid its burden down and limped
the shallow steps to press its
muzzle deep within the pool.
How easy it would be to draw
the sword and lop its head,
read the future in the sanguine flow
that fogs the sea. How like me
it was, in many ways, more like me than the moss-etched gods.
I couldn't help but feel each
slackened breath, each last
damp-furred pulse from a fading
body as I lifted with my man-strength
to cradle.

[billy]

some of the images are very good

in time-acne'd stone

and the line above are exceptional. there are many others.
the real problems i face when i read the poem though are enjambment and sentence length.
enjambment;
the virgin growth was choked by ancient. the content works well though i';m struggling to come to terms with an innate arrogance of the 1st person comparison to the gods. man-strength made me think of erect penis

it feels like there is a forced (unneeded pause) at line end, some other lines are the same.

the 1st sentence is between 60 and 70 words longs, i and i presume many readers usually need time to breath. that extended pause a period allows. i accept that some poems are robust enough to take us helter skelter but felt that this wasn't one of those.

[Catcherin]

I really like this, but I think it would really benefit from being tightened up a bit. A few more sentences/less and's. I think your style at times shines for e.g "When I awoke to heaven's golden prow/and knelt to skim the sea from silt" is a really nice introduction, the words roll beautifully (in my opinion) but other times sounds a bit odd (i.e the last lines) I agree with billy regarding the line ends, though the more I read it the more they seem to work. Maybe I'm just becoming familiar with it. Anyway, enjoyed this very much

[tadaki]

This was really interesting to me! I like the imagery, especially like the first two lines. And the part about the beast come to drink, I liked that too. I'm not too sure about the message, though I do believe you have something to say.

I googled the title - it's a french metaphor? Seems to be difficult to translate, but it seems "the witching hour" was a proposed translation. Literally it refers to the time of day when, in the fading light, a dog cannot be distinguished from a wolf.

Was the part about the beast an allusion to that? Did you mean to draw a parallel between what the beast appeared to be and what it really was?

Haha I'm sorry I'm totally guessing over here, but I really found it very interesting and I enjoyed the read. Thanks so much for sharing!

[qwerty_H]

I am sure glad that you liked it!! Those French and their metaphors - maybe they should stick to wine?

I like that you think I have something to say, it makes me feel deep and important. - only for a second though.

---

some of the images are very good

in time-acne'd stone

and the line above are exceptional. there are many others.
the real problems i face when i read the poem though are enjambment and sentence length.
enjambment;
the virgin growth was choked by ancient. the content works well though i';m struggling to come to terms with an innate arrogance of the 1st person comparison to the gods. man-strength made me think of erect penis

it feels like there is a forced (unneeded pause) at line end, some other lines are the same.

the 1st sentence is between 60 and 70 words longs, i and i presume many readers usually need time to breath. that extended pause a period allows. i accept that some poems are robust enough to take us helter skelter but felt that this wasn't one of those.

Yah, the first sentence is way too long, I will cut that down a bit, thanks. Line breaks too.

Thanks.