The Little Things

[Volaticus]

[ind]adoring eyes,
[ind]a doting gesture,
[ind]a gentle squeeze;
i am.


(This poem is translated. I'd like to hear your honest opinions. Thanks.)

[billy]

while brevity can be good, we want something to stay with us after reading it. (i do anyway ) i like the 'I am' at the end, it gives me a few seconds to think about the poem and i get a feel it's an introspective of you or the 1st person liking themselves. the main problem are the cliche each line is a common phrase try and use original images (three things no one else has said)

[ind]adoring eyes,
[ind]a doting gesture,
[ind]a gentle squeeze;
i am.


(This poem is translated. I'd like to hear your honest opinions. Thanks.)

[Todd]

Maybe in the original language there's a nuance I'm missing. It comes across vague to me.

[Volaticus]

while brevity can be good, we want something to stay with us after reading it. (i do anyway ) i like the 'I am' at the end, it gives me a few seconds to think about the poem and i get a feel it's an introspective of you or the 1st person liking themselves. the main problem are the cliche each line is a common phrase try and use original images (three things no one else has said)

I had a feeling it would be too little. I was aiming for simplicity, because I thought it'd fit with my theme of how the smallest things can matter a lot. But I completely get what you're saying. I have to come up with a way to say it in a more interesting way. Thanks for taking the time

---

Maybe in the original language there's a nuance I'm missing. It comes across vague to me.

The original poem had some words, that I couldn't find matching English words for. Not that it should be an excuse of course I consider expanding the thought behind the poem, so it doesn't seem so flat. Rephrasing, adding a few more lines, and some depth.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment

[Magpie]

[ind]adoring eyes,
[ind]a doting gesture,
[ind]a gentle squeeze;
i am.


(This poem is translated. I'd like to hear your honest opinions. Thanks.)

I think in a lot of respects translating a poem is harder than writing one, but because I only speak one language I can't really comment, and I take my hat off to anyone writing in a language that isn't there mother tongue. I have had certain foreign poems that I really liked and then came across a different translation and it was like a different poem, and vice versa.
Google translate perhaps, it usually very accurate.
AR

[Volaticus]

I think in a lot of respects translating a poem is harder than writing one, but because I only speak one language I can't really comment, and I take my hat off to anyone writing in a language that isn't there mother tongue. I have had certain foreign poems that I really liked and then came across a different translation and it was like a different poem, and vice versa.
Google translate perhaps, it usually very accurate.
AR

I write mostly in my mother tongue, and when I think I'm on to something, I sometimes translate it, so I maybe can get help with workshopping it in here. But I think this is one of the many poems, as you mentioned also, that is waay different from the original language. But I still like the idea behind, so I probably try messing around with it again at some point - see if I can make it work. I'm stubborn
Thanks for your kind response
-LB