Soul Music

[ray]

Suppose there are souls that really exist
in eternity on the other side
where 24/7 evangelists
promise death to those who bridge the void.

Suppose them sitting in homes and cities
in their virtual, spiritual forms.
Would their ghostly, gaseous entities
risk it all for a stirring of warmth?

Suppose that a soul accessed a peep-hole
and observed you disrobe and unfasten
black stockings and skirt, your red camisole -
ectoplasm would ache for orgasm.

Suppose he ignored the hell-fire advice
and in jumping a gigantic bound,
found flesh and voice and blessing his choice
he’d undoubtedly utter that sound.

[heslopian]

Suppose there are souls that really exist
in eternity on the other side
where 24/7 evangelists
promise death to those who bridge the void. The evangelists promise death from within the eternity the souls inhabit? This verse is a bit muddled.

Suppose them sitting in homes and cities
in their virtual, spiritual forms. How are they virtual? To me that implies an artificial construct, and has echoes of sci-fi, virtual reality etc.
Would their ghostly, gaseous entities
risk it all for a stirring of warmth? These two lines provide an interesting, poignant thought.

Suppose that a soul accessed a peep-hole
and observed you disrobe and unfasten
black stockings and skirt, your red camisole -
ectoplasm would ache for orgasm. A gross yet powerful verse, it hints at voyeurism without being truly exploitive. Subtle, clever stuff.

Suppose he ignored the hell-fire advice
and in jumping a gigantic bound,
found flesh and voice and blessing his choice
he’d undoubtedly utter that sound. This verse is very well-constructed, so much so that it feels at odds with the rest of the poem, which has more of a free verse feel. That isn't a criticism so much as a mere observation.

A very interesting poem. With a touch more attention to detail it could be amazing. Critique is JMHO, and thanks for the read

[cidermaid]

Hi ray, I found a lot to like in your poem and overall I enjoyed the ideas and thought that the strength of your images and presentation of the narative was improving as you wrote each new stanza. I'll offer a couple of my thoughts for your consideration.

Suppose there are souls that really exist
in eternity on the other side Not sure if on the other side is needed if we we have been told the subject is eternity
where 24/7 evangelists
promise death to those who bridge the void. The opening idea of souls in eternity being warned of the dangers of being drawn back into earthly & fleshy desires is a nice flip or take on the word evangelist. (sort of an anti-evangelist). My first comment is that I get the "s" sound alliteration, but I find the use of the word suppose a bit weak...and then with the repitition in the other stanzas ...a bit distracting from the flow of the rest of the read. (JMHO...could just be me!)

Suppose them sitting in homes and cities Again I like the image progression but find the first line a bit clunky and the second a bitmismatched in images it brings to mind. (I think techy when i read virtual). Not surethis suggestion is right but perhaps something like: Sitting in thier cities, at home in thier un-corpereal forms
in their virtual, spiritual forms.
Would their ghostly, gaseous entities
risk it all for a stirring of warmth? Really like these two lines

Suppose that a soul accessed a peep-hole
and observed you disrobe and unfasten
black stockings and skirt, your red camisole -
ectoplasm would ache for orgasm.

Suppose he ignored the hell-fire advice
and in jumping a gigantic bound,
found flesh and voice and blessing his choice
he’d undoubtedly utter that sound.

Think the final 2 stanzas are great overall (apart from the "suppose"!) sorry run out of time for now will try and finish this later
Thanks for the read. Lots to like.
AJ