Privilege

[DoReMi]

And she said,
She said to me,
to me, a stranger,
Why to me?
Buttoned in our white shirts, red ties,
Neat collars, shiny shoes.
To me she said it.
Why?
And I thought, why?
To me, I mean,
Why then and there?
In black skirt, black trousers.
Silver plates,
With wine and food,
(Not ours).

Why say?
To me, a stranger, why?
And I said,
I said - what could I say?
When she had said,
To me I mean
'He's five years old',
To me, and why?
A stranger. 'And I love him',
Why to me?
I asked at lunch,
I asked.
And they agreed.
They, Henna, Sam and Peter.
They agreed, why me?
Her private -
But why me?
Why you? They asked me.
Why tell you?

I said, I only asked,
You know,
Not that.
I only asked to know,
Not that.
She's young, a son,
I asked.
But why?
Why me?
Her private business.
I only asked,
Why me?

[cantab]

I like the repetition in this. It does a good job of fragmenting the sense, and is helped by the short lines, and rhetorial questions. Also, the descriptions of the clothes are effective because they're simple and concrete. I have to confess though, I'm not sure what the poem is talking about. Perhaps that's a flaw in my reading, but perhaps also, you're asking the reader to do a bit too much work, and not giving them enough in return in terms of concrete descriptions and musicality.

[DoReMi]

You might be right. I wanted to poem to echo my own confusion and bewilderment at the event I'm describing. I went with the fragmented speech for a similar reason. I wanted confusion, and almost a sense of nausea at the seasickness of the poem.
Perhaps people will be better able to help me clarify if I explain the story I'm thinking of.

Basically, I was at work the other day, and a girl - about 22 - mentioned her five year old son. One of the male servers (rudely) asked if her child was planned, and she said, no, actually, it had been rape. Though people were polite to her face, the response behind her back was "how could she say such an awful thing?! Poor man! How could she have said it to him?!" And I was obviously very upset by this response.

The thing is, the idea behind that kind of thinking is that rape must never be mentioned - that it's a kind of violation to force someone to realise it exists. So I didn't want to mention it explicitly in the poem... I just wanted to evoke the nausea, and the fragmented, irrational and confused thinking behind such a response... So any ideas in relation to that?

[justcloudy]

knowing the story I like the poem a lot more. the answer is simple: put the story into the poem.

[DoReMi]

Ok, I've changed it a little, but I *really* don't want to use the word rape, as I think it would massively alter my narrator's characterisation. Does this help at *all* or is it just as confusing? I won't change it in the first post yet, as I am not sure if this makes it better or worse...

Privilege
And she said,
She said to me,
To me, a stranger,
Why to me?
Buttoned in our white shirts, red ties,
Neat collars, shiny shoes.
To me she said it.
Why?
And I thought, why?
To me, I mean,
Why then and there?
In black skirt, black trousers.
Silver plates,
With wine and food,
(Not ours).

Why say?
To me, a stranger, why?
And I said,
I said - what could I say?
When she had said,
To me I mean
'Not planned, he’s five’,
To me, and why
A stranger? 'And I love him,
But not planned, not joy not lust’.
I asked at lunch,
I asked.
And they agreed.
They, Henna, Sam and Peter.
They agreed, why me?
Her private -
But why me?
Why you? They asked me.
Why tell you?

I said, I only asked,
You know,
Not that.
I only asked to know,
Not that.
She's young, a son,
I asked.
But why?
Why me?
Her private business.
I only asked,
Why me?

[justcloudy]

it does work better like this, nice job.

a few points:
--something that isn't quite clear in this incarnation is WHY she said it, but I'm not sure if that'd just be distracting. your call.
--maybe put the fact that she's so young further up, might help the reader understand why it's such a big deal.
--"(not ours)" really isn't necessary, it's pretty clear you're caterers or waiters or something.
--I dunno if those are the people's real names, Henna, Sam and Peter, but for me the two very normal names with a quite unusual one was more distracting than anything.

anyway well done on the edit. thanks for sharing.

-cloudy

[DoReMi]

Thanks for your feedback justcloudy. I think, for me the idea that the woman would have to explain her motives for honestly answering a question is the problem that prompted the poem. I don't know what she was thinking in the real story, but I don't think it's something that ought to be explained. It's a thing that happens, and there shouldn't be any stigma or surprise attached to someone saying it happened to them. The "why?" is the narrator's privilege speaking (and I'm not that sympathetic to that!). Henna's a pretty common Asian name, I believe. Not so rare or unusual where I work!

I really appreciate your thoughts and your time. I will definitely look at your other two suggestions - restructuring may be necessary!

it does work better like this, nice job.

a few points:
--something that isn't quite clear in this incarnation is WHY she said it, but I'm not sure if that'd just be distracting. your call.
--maybe put the fact that she's so young further up, might help the reader understand why it's such a big deal.
--"(not ours)" really isn't necessary, it's pretty clear you're caterers or waiters or something.
--I dunno if those are the people's real names, Henna, Sam and Peter, but for me the two very normal names with a quite unusual one was more distracting than anything.

anyway well done on the edit. thanks for sharing.

-cloudy

[justcloudy]

right, that she answered the question honestly is clear. but in the poem, we don't see the fact that there is a question to be answered. it unless I missed it... it just seems like she randomly told you. does that make sense?

[DoReMi]

Ahh, sorry, I see what you mean now! I was kind of attempting a bit of a reveal - an answer to the "why?" of the poem between the second and third stanzas - where it goes:

Why you? They asked me.
Why tell you?

I said, I only asked,
You know,
Not that.
I only asked to know,
Not that.
She's young, a son,
I asked.

Again, there's a lot of ambiguity there - which was intentional, but which now I'm a bit conflicted about. Do you have any ideas for how I should make it clearer?

[justcloudy]

got it, yea I had missed it. now I see what you mean, but you don't want to have to explain your poems to readers, they should stand alone and still have meaning. but I dunno, I'm only one reader.
generally clearer is better... here you want to not mention rape, which is fine, but maybe you should limit the ambiguity to that?