Elegy

[milo]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

[NakedBear]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

[tectak]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

This was helpful, thanks. It shows some points of confusion I may have.

milo

---

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

It might be more helpful if you tell me what images you get when you read these words. If I tell you to couch a chip in your fist, what image do you get?

I originally had it untitled because I wanted you to read it through, get to the end and go "ahhh . . it is a burial" and then have to read the whole thing again with a new perspective.

I wrote the words first. There were many (many) more and as I was trimming, the tune haunted up.

thanks for your help

milo

[billy]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather i'm thinking very short steps,
where the sun broken-melons the sky. i'm struggling with this line, the more i read it the more it reads correctly but it does make me stumble.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts, i think understand what couch means in this instance ( it can only mean one thing ( i get an image of grief, of being strong, not sure about the amethyst though)) but for me it doesn't work too well
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

hi milo.
the poem sounds eloquent and some of the phrasing feels perfect yet i've stopped the line by line simply because it evades me, i can see it's about a funeral, i saw that before the title was added, mainly in the last 6 lines and a couple of other places. i recognise a few of the unusual words but confess to having googled some.

the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough i had no trouble with these lines. and enjoyed them a lot. they worked for me,

i'm thinking only people with very very very good vocabularies will get near to understanding what you wish them to understand. maybe that's the problem for me, it too well written. beyond my (in places) my comprehension. wish i could have been more use as far as feedback went milo

thanks for the read.

[milo]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather i'm thinking very short steps,
where the sun broken-melons the sky. i'm struggling with this line, the more i read it the more it reads correctly but it does make me stumble.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts, i think understand what couch means in this instance ( it can only mean one thing ( i get an image of grief, of being strong, not sure about the amethyst though)) but for me it doesn't work too well
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

hi milo.
the poem sounds eloquent and some of the phrasing feels perfect yet i've stopped the line by line simply because it evades me, i can see it's about a funeral, i saw that before the title was added, mainly in the last 6 lines and a couple of other places. i recognise a few of the unusual words but confess to having googled some.

the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough i had no trouble with these lines. and enjoyed them a lot. they worked for me,

i'm thinking only people with very very very good vocabularies will get near to understanding what you wish them to understand. maybe that's the problem for me, it too well written. beyond my (in places) my comprehension. wish i could have been more use as far as feedback went milo

thanks for the read.

Hey Billy

I don't know that I ever "say" much less "mean" anything that hasn't been said or meant 2,000 some years ago by the Greeks, with poetry, I mostly shoot for a more interesting vehicle IYKWIM.

If it sent you to google - good IMO, I love it when a poem does that and I did try to at least use words that weren't pretentious.

I guess what I am looking for is:

1: did it read "fresh" or new, at least approaching a burial in a way you haven't read before.

2: did it "sing"? I put some extra work into the voice and rhythm to try and create a kind of haunting melody.

3: did I overtrim to the point there is no way to get the meaning or is it just some extra work and some re-reading?

thanks again, you are helpful as always.

milo

[tectak]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -1
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

This was helpful, thanks. It shows some points of confusion I may have.

milo

---

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

It might be more helpful if you tell me what images you get when you read these words. If I tell you to couch a chip in your fist, what image do you get?

I originally had it untitled because I wanted you to read it through, get to the end and go "ahhh . . it is a burial" and then have to read the whole thing again with a new perspective.

I wrote the words first. There were many (many) more and as I was trimming, the tune haunted up.

thanks for your help

milo

Hi milo,
Well, to answer your question it rather depends on whether or not it is brillig. If so then I guess it gyres OK.
Best
tectak

[milo]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -1
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

This was helpful, thanks. It shows some points of confusion I may have.

milo

---

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

It might be more helpful if you tell me what images you get when you read these words. If I tell you to couch a chip in your fist, what image do you get?

I originally had it untitled because I wanted you to read it through, get to the end and go "ahhh . . it is a burial" and then have to read the whole thing again with a new perspective.

I wrote the words first. There were many (many) more and as I was trimming, the tune haunted up.

thanks for your help

milo

Hi milo,
Well, to answer your question it rather depends on whether or not it is brillig. If so then I guess it gyres OK.
Best
tectak

well then, let's just say that every word was selected, and considered carefully. "couch" was both clutch and clench in different iterations but couch is better. The why comes from associations and it is an Easter egg i left there for you, my friend. There are other Easter eggs here too, but the joy is in finding them. The reward will be worth it if you are willing to do the work, I promise you that, my friend.

As for the purpose of the poem, I knew it was a burial when I wrote the first word which was not melancholy but melon-broken.

milo

[tectak]

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather what does stipple-foot mean?
where the sun broken-melons the sky.Is it dawn or dusk?
And we try -1
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home no comma at end, although it seems grammatically necessary to me. A number of enjambments lack punctuation marks where I might expect them.
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack I like this line repeated. It almost sounds like a cart ridding down a rail line. It's a big reason I see a mine and interpret this poem as I do.
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.I come away thinking that this is the narration of a miner whose dying from black lung. He wonders why men chase stones and cause themselves illness and death. How far off am I?
The tractors wont cough This seems to be a shift in the narration and I wonder if it is the same speaker. I'm thinking speaker resolves not to hate the promise of new life even though he's lost his father.

If it is a shift in narrator, wouldn't a blank line be helpful to avoid some confusion?

as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

I don't really have suggestions for improvement. Just thought I'd offer my my thoughts on what I think you mean (while crossing my fingers that this is a helpful thing to do. Haha).

Mikey.[/b]

This was helpful, thanks. It shows some points of confusion I may have.

milo

---

Why should we bother
to stipple-foot gather
where the sun broken-melons the sky.
And we try -
to couch up our fists over raw amethysts
and the schists of our home
of our bones.
But the blood runs chough-black
as we ride on their backs
through the brack
through the brack
of the stones.
I will unclench this couch
I won't cough, I won't slouch
I won't curse
the bean green of the clover.
The tractors wont cough
as they plow the cleft rough
I won't curse
as they turn the earth over.
The chore hands won't stay
and the orchids won't pray
oh daddy
I miss you today.
oh daddy
I miss you
today.

Titled.
Why schist?
Why couch?
Why brack?
Why stipple?
I ask because I do not know. I deleted my first post on this because you gave it a title. I have to ask another question. What came first, the tune or the words?
As an uncommited piece of rhyming verse it does have merit, but I think you need to get to your point a little earlier, now that you know what it has turned out to be about.
Best,
tectak

It might be more helpful if you tell me what images you get when you read these words. If I tell you to couch a chip in your fist, what image do you get?

I originally had it untitled because I wanted you to read it through, get to the end and go "ahhh . . it is a burial" and then have to read the whole thing again with a new perspective.

I wrote the words first. There were many (many) more and as I was trimming, the tune haunted up.

thanks for your help

milo

Hi milo,
Well, to answer your question it rather depends on whether or not it is brillig. If so then I guess it gyres OK.
Best
tectak

well then, let's just say that every word was selected, and considered carefully. "couch" was both clutch and clench in different iterations but couch is better. The why comes from associations and it is an Easter egg i left there for you, my friend. There are other Easter eggs here too, but the joy is in finding them. The reward will be worth it if you are willing to do the work, I promise you that, my friend.

As for the purpose of the poem, I knew it was a burial when I wrote the first word which was not melancholy but melon-broken.

milo

Hi milo,
I am retired. I don't work anymore. Well, not for fun, anyway
Best,
tectak