Wreckage ( alliteration explored)

[softlyfalling]

Wreckage

Felled by fragments, fallen from Heaven,
Marble martyrs are moribund, bleeding
Dashed down by detritus, angelic scree.
Now extirpative embers, empyreal fires,
Are searing their soles, these souls dispossessed.
(Such ironic invention, immortal existence)
Forever, we fan the flames, hissing hatred,
Frothing our fury into the fire-
Jeering Jehovah, judging him hindrance,
Mew him to a madhouse, his merciless fate.

Rewrite...maybe i softened it too much? whaddya think?

In the wreckage of fallen Heaven,
Earth’s alabaster saints are bleeding out,
Clubbed by the bones of broken angels
Raining like sparks from empyrean fire,
The enigma of immortality,
Burning the soles of now vagrant souls.
And yet, we fan the flames with hatred,
Breathing our own rage into the fire.
Mistaking God for nuisance plebeian,
Commit him to a madhouse far away.

Rewrite with rhyme... thank you tectak

Wreckage

Ash of burning Paradise fills the eyes
Of broken marble saints whose endless cries
Drown out the requiem of seraphim
That club mankind with severed sacred limb.
Raining sparks from Heaven burn earth to coals
That burn the soles of vagrant, mortal souls.
But still, we fan the hellish flames with hate
Breathe rage into the flames and desecrate
The face of God. Too terrified to pray,
Commit him to a madhouse far away.

[cidermaid]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

[softlyfalling]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

I could not agree more! I was going to soften the onslaught before I posted, but then I decided to throw the original out there and see if it survives the ensuing onslaught..LOLOL. You are actually far gentler and kinder than I was anticipating. My secret (not any more) agenda here is to get some ideas and inspiration from any feedback i get to make a reasonable poem.
So...any specific suggestions?

[tectak]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

I could not agree more! I was going to soften the onslaught before I posted, but then I decided to throw the original out there and see if it survives the ensuing onslaught..LOLOL. You are actually far gentler and kinder than I was anticipating. My secret (not any more) agenda here is to get some ideas and inspiration from any feedback i get to make a reasonable poem.
So...any specific suggestions?

Hi softly,
To the edit...yes. Much improved. Wordy is not worthy except as an "exercise".
If you really like alliteration then by all means just stick up a list of clicky words....oh, that's not poetry, though. OK. I will give the words thematic purpose...better. Touble is, it still dooesn't feel poetic enough. It is still just showing of my word skills ( and how you love 'em. Especially empyreal/n!)
Go on, enjoy yourself, make it rhyme!
Best,
tectak

[softlyfalling]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

I could not agree more! I was going to soften the onslaught before I posted, but then I decided to throw the original out there and see if it survives the ensuing onslaught..LOLOL. You are actually far gentler and kinder than I was anticipating. My secret (not any more) agenda here is to get some ideas and inspiration from any feedback i get to make a reasonable poem.
So...any specific suggestions?

Hi softly,
To the edit...yes. Much improved. Wordy is not worthy except as an "exercise".
If you really like alliteration then by all means just stick up a list of clicky words....oh, that's not poetry, though. OK. I will give the words thematic purpose...better. Touble is, it still dooesn't feel poetic enough. It is still just showing of my word skills ( and how you love 'em. Especially empyreal/n!)
Go on, enjoy yourself, make it rhyme!
Best,
tectak

Thank you! Have you ever felt as though you have been freed from your own chains? Rhyme may change the course of the whole poem,but at least i will know where it is going...so here goes...

[tectak]

Hi softlyfalling (Amy did I read somewhere else?)

I really liked the story / ideas you present here and I aught to really dig this because I have to confess to being a bit of a alliteration junky..But I could just not quite bring myself to say that I love it. (Although I really want to). It just seems to be working too hard and the alliterations are more like and explosion than explored. This has such a lot of good word choices (as always it seems from you) and some lovely images coming through..and it seems that you have kept an excellent grip on the thought progressions and maintained a constant heavenly fire thing going on...see what I mean, I find so much to enjoy and admire in this, but I feel that the alliteration is too much and that to explore this poetic devise...less is defiantly more and will make this smoother and less laboured.

Hope this is of some help...and i really hope that this is one that you continue with i think it will be well worth it.
AJ.

I could not agree more! I was going to soften the onslaught before I posted, but then I decided to throw the original out there and see if it survives the ensuing onslaught..LOLOL. You are actually far gentler and kinder than I was anticipating. My secret (not any more) agenda here is to get some ideas and inspiration from any feedback i get to make a reasonable poem.
So...any specific suggestions?

Hi softly,
To the edit...yes. Much improved. Wordy is not worthy except as an "exercise".
If you really like alliteration then by all means just stick up a list of clicky words....oh, that's not poetry, though. OK. I will give the words thematic purpose...better. Touble is, it still dooesn't feel poetic enough. It is still just showing of my word skills ( and how you love 'em. Especially empyreal/n!)
Go on, enjoy yourself, make it rhyme!
Best,
tectak

Thank you! Have you ever felt as though you have been freed from your own chains? Rhyme may change the course of the whole poem,but at least i will know where it is going...so here goes...

Good for you...enjoy it! It lasts all day!
Best,
tectak