Stay Away From Tover's Gate

[joshuacan]

Stay Away From Tover’s Gate

Little Jim was only 8,
When he was warned of Tover’s Gate,

The grass was long, the vines uncut,
The Doors were locked and windows shut,

The lonely house kept kids at bay,
With rotting wood and slow decay,
But Little Jim just could not wait,
To learn the truth of Tover’s Gate,

Behind this house, a garden vast,
Enter once and enter last,

But Little Jim was not afraid,
And Little Jim would not be swayed,

Upon the stars and crescent moon,
Little Jim walked through the house,
And reached the garden, dark and deep,
Descending down the hilltop steep,

He wandered in to find the wall,
Of Blackest marble, 10 feet tall,

The stars reflected off the stone,
And Inscribed upon the wall was shone,
The names of those that Tover’s Gate,
Whose dreams it came to captivate,

Little Jim was now afraid,
Of the choice that he had made,

The marbled black began to move,
With a motion slow and smooth,

Without a trace, before the dawn,
Our Little Jim was very gone,

And one more name was carved by fate,
To stay away from Tover’s Gate.

[NakedBear]

Stay Away From Tover’s Gate

Little Jim was only 8,
When he was warned of Tover’s Gate,

The grass was long, the vines uncut,
The Doors were locked and windows shut,

The lonely house kept kids at bay,
With rotting wood and slow decay,
But Little Jim just could not wait, A bit of a bump. Maybe swap 'just' and 'could'?
To learn the truth of Tover’s Gate,

Behind this house, a garden vast,
Enter once and enter last,

But Little Jim was not afraid,
And Little Jim would not be swayed,

Upon the stars and crescent moon,
Little Jim walked through the house, This line doesn't quite match the one above in its pace. It reads fast at the start before slowing. IT isn't a big deal, I don't think. Just mentioning. Besides, maybe I just read to fast for my own good.
And reached the garden, dark and deep,
Descending down the hilltop steep,

Right here he comes into the house, and finds the wall immediately? And why is that wall there? Perhaps you could take us on a journey through the house, so we might get a sense of it's contents and the nature of the house's true owners. This might well hint at the motivation for creating such a wall
He wandered in to find the wall,
Of Blackest marble, 10 feet tall,

The stars reflected off the stone,
And Inscribed upon the wall was shone, Strange use of 'shone' You'd best rearrange the sentence to make it sensible, or find another word.
The names of those that Tover’s Gate,
Whose dreams it came to captivate, 'Whose' is used oddly, too. Maybe the line above could be reworked so 'whose' is correct here. Maybe "The names of guests of Tover's Gate"

Little Jim was now afraid,
Of the choice that he had made,

The marbled black began to move,
With a motion slow and smooth,

Without a trace, before the dawn,
Our Little Jim was very gone,

And one more name was carved by fate,
To stay away from Tover’s Gate.

This is a pretty smooth read, and I found the story interesting. Perhaps a little expansion on it? More story would be fine, since your meter is carries the narration along briskly.

Mikey.

[FragileHeart]

I agree with Mikey the story should be a bit longer but it's still very good

[Crepuscule]

No criticism as such... it has the beginnings of a good childrens' book

I just wonder why you dropped the rhyme in these lines:

Upon the stars and crescent moon,
Little Jim walked through the house,

I tripped over that one.