Needing Bi-Focals - Edit & title change

[Stalker]

Hokus Pokus in the Woods

Blinkered by youth,
the feet have no nose.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked.

Squinting to read,
the hands have no eyes.

I can’t see
what I hold,
moss from the bark
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken roots.

The Magician's wand strikes,
blue bells resound,
ferns curl around time.
Fascination is silenced
the sun has no voice.




mood change - word change - too rapid and reactive for permanancy? Morphed away from the title.


Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked.

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes.

I can’t see
what I hold,
moss from the bark
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken roots.

Hokus Pokus in the woods,
ferns curl around time.
Sunlight strikes sight,
blue bells sound clear.
Shrouds of confusion
part, and through a prism, fascination
forms an instant of simplicity.





Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked.

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes.

I can’t see
what I find,
moss in the bark
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken twigs.
The magician pulls time
from his hat
a masterful illusion
since the sun has no voice.




Hmmm not the poem I imagined - but the one that has arrived, UNINVITED.

[tectak]

Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked.

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes.

I can’t see
what I find,
moss in the bark
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken twigs.
The magician pulls time
from his hat
a masterful illusion
since the sun has no voice.

Look, if this is about stepping in dog shit I should advise you that I am a responsible dog owner. I always pick up.....it is my wife who thinks it is a good idea to booby-trap. She covers with moss and leaves....hurriedly.
I have no voice.
More will follow. May take some stinking about.
Best,
tectak




Hmmm not the poem I imagined - but the one that has arrived, UNINVITED.

[billy]

at least it arrived
i struggled mid poem but i like a lot of whats going on. i think the magician lines need expanding a little. you have a good base for a good poem.

Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose. i like the opener, this line works on more than 1 level. it's funny and serious at the same time. it's like a warning of bad oemns etc.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked. this is plain speaking, (to men who live in the gutter) it does read like standing in shit. which works with the stanza above.

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes. this is where i stumbled, i have to stop reding in order to decipher the meaning, and i'm left wondering if i got it right

I can’t see
what I find,
moss in the bark is this a question or a statement?
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken twigs.
The magician pulls time where did the magician come from, a lead in would help this line be more reader friendly
from his hat
a masterful illusion
since the sun has no voice.




Hmmm not the poem I imagined - but the one that has arrived, UNINVITED.

[Stalker]

At risk of being previous - I offer some explanation, not justification for the thing could morph.

at least it arrived
i struggled mid poem but i like a lot of whats going on. i think the magician lines need expanding a little. you have a good base for a good poem.

Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,
the feet have no nose. i like the opener, this line works on more than 1 level. it's funny and serious at the same time. it's like a warning of bad oemns etc. This is an idiom / proverb from isiXhosa, meaning exactly be careful where you step, and more that a traveller has no sense of danger.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked. this is plain speaking, (to men who live in the gutter) it does read like standing in shit. which works with the stanza above.

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,
the hands have no eyes. this is where i stumbled, i have to stop reding in order to decipher the meaning, and i'm left wondering if i got it right So I stretch the (very well known? isiXhosa to my own idiom (in waiting) - look at what I hold. And more specifically because of my pride I cannot see.

I can’t see
what I find, => maybe I change to 'hold'
moss in the bark is this a question or a statement?
I touched.

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken twigs.=> reference to cummings perhaps I change twigs to roots to make that more obvious
The magician pulls time where did the magician come from, a lead in would help this line be more reader friendly
from his hat => reference to todd (whose poetry, rumour has it as well known as cummings in these parts)
a masterful illusion
since the sun has no voice. =>back to cummings and thus a rejection of romanticism, my aloneless.

So I have not seen the big picture, I cannot make sense of the details and time is not inifinte. Limited vision and no corrective lens available. I cannot see the wood for the trees.

StalKy




Hmmm not the poem I imagined - but the one that has arrived, UNINVITED.

[Stalker]

edit above original

[Todd]

Hi Lucy, this is one of the times that I feel like I'd be mucking about rather than helping. Here goes with the mucking though.

mood change - word change - too rapid and reactive for permanancy? Morphed away from the title.


Blinkered by youth,
undefeatable optimism,--Is this necessary? I think blinkered by youth and then the flow of the content gets you there.
the feet have no nose.

I didn’t know
what was hidden
in the piles of leaves
I kicked.--Love all this. Nice progression

Squinting to read,
unenviable vanity,--I guess I'm just not fond of the characteristic tag lines. It could just be my preferences of course
the hands have no eyes.

I can’t see
what I hold,--nice change
moss from the bark
I touched.--these stumbling blind sequences work very well

I feel my way
through the branches and trunks,
the buds and the broken roots.--beautiful phrasing

Hokus Pokus in the woods,--This is a preference but I sort of liked your magician line better. It's unfair because if this were the original I'm not sure I'd have this reaction to the line. You could go right to the ferns.
ferns curl around time.--utterly love the primordial sense to this line
Sunlight strikes sight,--I'd consider cutting this line and reinserting something from the earlier draft at the end.
blue bells sound clear.
Shrouds of confusion
part, and through a prism, fascination
forms an instant of simplicity.--This works very well with the bell earlier. It helps enable this moment of insight. This may totally not work but I would suggest a strophe break and maybe a reinsertion of these ideas to stand alone and end the poem:

The magician pulls time
from his hat
the sun has no voice.

I did enjoy the read. I'm not sure if the comments will be helpful, but I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

[Stalker]

well on the whole Todd, my instant reaction is that you are right.

particularly about mixing these spurious emotions with the senses. Your suggestion adds wieght to the altered sensory inputs.

I can't use 'magician pulls time' anymore, simply because of my rigidity on using time twice so close together and I am also pleased with the 'ferns curl around time'. Perhaps the magician can pull minutes or hours? I am not sure. perhaps a rainbow, but then maybe prism will have to go...

I tried it out - somehow seems to be getting a religious leaning like that - I think to use Hokus Pokus in the woods as a new title, not sure if that will stop god appearing to me as a rainbow though. I don't want god to appear to me as a rainbow, not at this time.

mucking about aside - if you enjoyed, that is the main thing - so thanks.

[Stalker]

edit and revise title

[serge gurkski]

as usual ignoring what has been brought forward above I offer suggestions:

First: rev is fine. stop changing it.
second: title: either: hands have no eyes. or: the sun has no voice.
The latter being maybe a bit too much Mccarthyish for pink ladies. I dunno.

see: the problem is you are with these lines nowhere as apocalyptic as Cormack. So maybe go better for the first title quoted from your lines.


in this poem i like the narrative bc it forces me to keep attention.
Happens rarely. ,-)

so: thank you


(Nice enough?)

(and Hi to Lucretia ;-) )