Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
The lie is caught in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and me. We were unwise;
the lies we told, we did not know
-though you said, did not realise-
would make us break apart and go
our separate ways. How I surprise
myself. I never thought to show
my love, not even when your eyes
cast down and telling tears would flow.
I told you not to care; only despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It will be me; and though
you smile, your heart denies
your every word. Now we both know
that lies get caught in sighs.
They hang there in the air...and I must go.
tectak
2013
Posts: 27
Threads: 6
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-14-2013, 10:39 PM)tectak Wrote: The lie is caught in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our separate ways. How I surprise
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
the heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
that lies get caught in sighs.
They hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
A lovely poem I love from the first line your drawn in
and out and drawn back in like virgin snow.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-15-2013, 03:25 AM)Mattie Wrote: (03-14-2013, 10:39 PM)tectak Wrote: The lie is caught in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our separate ways. How I surprise
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
the heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
that lies get caught in sighs.
They hang there in the air, and I must go.
tectak
2013
A lovely poem I love from the first line your drawn in
and out and drawn back in like virgin snow.
Thank you,mattie, I think.
Is there any way you think I could improve the piece?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
I love internal rhyme when done as well as this...perhaps even enhance it further in some places? For instance in the very first line, if you use the plural...lies...you have a perfect rhyme with "cries" to create an awareness in the reader's mind. I would try to add some form of this somewhere in the middle...
One grammatical pet peeve of mine....line three should be "me" not "I"...I is the subject, not the object of a verb clause.
I guess your entire structure is based on enjambment. In some ways, this makes it read like broken prose, but that is apropos to the narrative, so this is in no way a criticism.
One more observation: in line 12, I wonder if you would consider "begged" instead of "told" as it implies a kind of desperate attempt at deflecting the inevitable..."told" is sort of imperious instead.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-20-2013, 02:59 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: I love internal rhyme when done as well as this...perhaps even enhance it further in some places? For instance in the very first line, if you use the plural...lies...you have a perfect rhyme with "cries" to create an awareness in the reader's mind. I would try to add some form of this somewhere in the middle...
One grammatical pet peeve of mine....line three should be "me" not "I"...I is the subject, not the object of a verb clause.
I guess your entire structure is based on enjambment. In some ways, this makes it read like broken prose, but that is apropos to the narrative, so this is in no way a criticism.
One more observation: in line 12, I wonder if you would consider "begged" instead of "told" as it implies a kind of desperate attempt at deflecting the inevitable..."told" is sort of imperious instead.
Hi softly,
Thanks for this. I am embarrassed over the me/I error! It has been there for a while, unspotted.
THE lie is kind of important in the theme if the piece and so I do not want to over-egg the thing with the use of internal rhymes. I go on a lot about reading work out loud and for many reasons...but enjambment, which I very much enjoy creating, is well served in spoken verse, because it ALL sounds like internal rhyme. "Told" is calculatedly imperious.
Best,
tectak
