The Bone

[tjs2465]

A juicy steak
Sat atop the table
Slowly it disappeared
Each time,
The knife cut deeper
The fork stabbed harder
Ripping all meat from the bone
A dog sat nearby
He watched eagerly
The steak smelled so sweet
It was all that he wanted
Yet it slowly disappeared
Right there before his eyes
Hope seemed to fade
With each bite
The steak was soon gone
All that was left was a cleaned bone

This was given to the eager dog
No, it was not all that he desired
But it was more then he had ever had
And he savored every bit of it
For hours, for days, for weeks, for years
He savored that bone for eternity

[cidermaid]

Hi, there was a nice story progression going on in here and there was a good opening sense of rythem to the read, but I would have liked some more images or extensions of the plain descriptions. I felt it was a bit lacking in creativity and i would have liked something a bit more than the ordinary statements used.
So the juicy steak could be described as: A steak on a plate, matchless
dripping with sweet suculent promise,
perfection bleeding to bliss.
The dog sat all agog, in meeknees
he watched, savoring each heavenly,
coloured scent with growing certainty.

All right that was perhaps rubbish...but sort of gives an example of what i'm meaning.

As an off the cuff idea that has come to me - Perhaps you could have written this from the prespective of the dog for a really different angle. A narative of dog's thoughts about the gluttony of the owner, the way it smells to a dog, the dog trying to will the steak to fall off the plate.
Just a wild idea - perhaps a new poem to be written another day!
I liked the contrast between the dog's value on the bare bone and the easy come / go aspect of just one meal to the owner.

As ever these are just my thoughts and ideas. Please only take what is helpful from any crit given
AJ.

[Jamie]

Hi, that really made me laugh. The dogs longing for steak but so greatful for just the bone, so true of any dog. I love AJ's idea of writing from the dogs perspective, you should do it.

[Claire]

There is loads of imagery! I have trouble fitting imagery into my poems, so I'm glad you're not. It reminds me of my dog,but with cheese. (:

[tjs2465]

Hi, there was a nice story progression going on in here and there was a good opening sense of rythem to the read, but I would have liked some more images or extensions of the plain descriptions. I felt it was a bit lacking in creativity and i would have liked something a bit more than the ordinary statements used.
So the juicy steak could be described as: A steak on a plate, matchless
dripping with sweet suculent promise,
perfection bleeding to bliss.
The dog sat all agog, in meeknees
he watched, savoring each heavenly,
coloured scent with growing certainty.

All right that was perhaps rubbish...but sort of gives an example of what i'm meaning.

As an off the cuff idea that has come to me - Perhaps you could have written this from the prespective of the dog for a really different angle. A narative of dog's thoughts about the gluttony of the owner, the way it smells to a dog, the dog trying to will the steak to fall off the plate.
Just a wild idea - perhaps a new poem to be written another day!
I liked the contrast between the dog's value on the bare bone and the easy come / go aspect of just one meal to the owner.

As ever these are just my thoughts and ideas. Please only take what is helpful from any crit given
AJ.

Thanks so much for the critique. I really like the idea of adding more detail and telling the story more from the dogs perspective. Thanks so much.