The Ox and The Snake

[thewalrus]

The Ox and the Snake (2013)

Away he wallowed down the road,
To places near but not.
Leaving behind this one he knows,
Her fairness not forgot.
For through it all he can recall,
The night her heart he sought;

The Cabaret, a local tap,
Perhaps not the ideal.
Some may scoff at just the thought
And others might conceal.
But he’s appeased, and now he sees
Their meeting proved surreal.

The Ox; at first appearing dense.
The Snake; seductive, sweet.
Spoke suddenly then sallied off
Separately to the street.
He, the Ox, so happy that,
The Snake he chanced to meet.

Her face, her name, her memory;
The Ox he took that night,
Home to sleep, and dreamt of her
Just hoping that he might,
See again, the Snake who makes,
So startling a sight.

Compare her to an autumn day?
The Ox he figured he,
Should never lay eyes on any who,
Eclipses her beauty.
He spent his days, counting the ways,
That she enamoured he.

A day, a week, a month went and,
The thought of her remained.
One night she slithered to the Shore
For tastings he had feigned.
At sea he saw her once again,
Her beauty ascertained.

Like cart to ox, he had become
So thoroughly attached.
The Snake and he, the Chinese say
Can perfectly be matched.
The surface of their feelings seemed,
To only have been scratched.

On New Years Eve, of year Thirteen
‘Tween wondrous walls of wine,
The pair embraced, their eyes they looked,
True feelings they defined.
The Ox and Snake declared to each:
“I’m yours and you are mine.”

From two to ones, they solely wish
Togetherness: restore.
Yet distance simply proves them that
Each other, they adore.
True only need; each others feel,
And more and more and more.

[tectak]

Hello. This is an interesting but difficult idea to pull off. The Ox and the Snake is one of the best known Chinese mythological/astrological linkings. Though I am not taken with these ancient, and not unnaturally, naive fables, I nonetheless applaud you for your take on it. Accordingly, any comments in the text are crits of the poetic variety!
The Ox and the Snake (2013)

Away he wallowed down the road,Wallowed is good. Not strictly applicable but well within poetic licence.
To places near but not.You lapse a little into Aesopian fable-tale-talk with this. Maybe "and" instead of "but", as you do say "places", plural.
Leaving behind this one he knows,"The" seems more natural than "this".
Her fairness not forgot.As intro. You make this difficult for yourself with the strict rhyme scheme and the short lines do not give you opportunity to find an eloquent rhyme. This, then, seems, and is, forced. It will happen again and you will know where
For through it all he can recall,What is this "it"? Perhaps you need to tell us what "it" is before telling us what was remembered. Memory works one way only
The night her heart he sought;See. I told you. Now look what's happened. You have gone all yoda-speak. I hope you know when to use a semi colon because it is not here

The Cabaret, a local tap,
Perhaps not the ideal.
Some may scoff at just the thought
And others might conceal.The first four lines of this stanza tell me that you are getting tired of writing this. These lines tell us little of any consequence and are nothing more than a mid-stream meander whilst you regain your sense of direction...or find your paddle
But he’s appeased, and now he sees
Their meeting proved surreal.Phew. I bet you're glad this stanza is over. I know I am. I would omit this whole stanza. I find it slightly cringe-making. It happens.

The Ox; at first appearing dense.Thought so. Look, commas, semi-colons, colons and full stops are pause indicators but only a full stop shifts from one sentence to another.
The Ox (at first appearing dense);
the Snake (seductive, sweet),
spoke suddenly then sallied off,
separately to the street.
The Snake; seductive, sweet.
Spoke suddenly then sallied off
Separately to the street....but it is still a clumsy and forced sentence structure...you are really having problems with your avowed intent to rhyme.
He, the Ox, so happy that,Too many commas in all the wrong places
The Snake he chanced to meet.

Her face, her name, her memory;Comma
The Ox he took that night,semi colon
Home to sleep, and dreamt of her
Just hoping that he might,
See again, the Snake who makes,
So startling a sight.Now I have given up, too.We are getting near to complete collapse of english as she is spoke! I cannot correct this stanza without a re-write and it is your poem.

Compare her to an autumn day?More of the same. Whatever was said on the stanzas above just copy and paste on to the stanzas below.
The Ox he figured he,
Should never lay eyes on any who,
Eclipses her beauty.
He spent his days, counting the ways,
That she enamoured he.

A day, a week, a month went and,
The thought of her remained.
One night she slithered to the Shore
For tastings he had feigned.
At sea he saw her once again,
Her beauty ascertained.

Like cart to ox, he had become
So thoroughly attached.
The Snake and he, the Chinese say
Can perfectly be matched.
The surface of their feelings seemed,
To only have been scratched.

On New Years Eve, of year Thirteen
‘Tween wondrous walls of wine,
The pair embraced, their eyes they looked,
True feelings they defined.
The Ox and Snake declared to each:
“I’m yours and you are mine.”

From two to ones, they solely wish
Togetherness: restore.
Yet distance simply proves them that
Each other, they adore.
True only need; each others feel,
And more and more and more.

As I said at the beginning, this is a difficult task which you made much more difficult by your random (or more likely uninformed) use of punctuation,strict rhyme scheme, and subject. Of all the sins committed, it is the over-use of the WRONG punctuation that most stands out. I applaud your bravery, but would prefer cowardice and retreat to safer ground. Best,
tectak