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(03-05-2013, 11:50 AM)Gemma Wrote: Take off your mask,
It's wearing thin.
Immutable, and ever still..Ellipses I use a lot. I really do not know when grammar requires them but I know when it does not and I know it needs three dots. Try "Immutable and ever still, it shrouds a storm that brews within". Yes?
It shrouds a storm that brews within.
I have an umbrella, I have warm clothes,
I'll brave the tempest when it shows...
However harsh the element revealed,
T'will be greeted more than a mind concealed.
I would really appreciate your criticism folks, and please be honest 
Hi,
This is terse-verse and I see no real problems in its execution. As a metaphor, it strays into universality. I am not going to attempt profound interpretation...it is what it is. The last two lines need a re-write to avoid cries of forced everything. Truthfully, these last two lines let the piece down. You can fix it. Capitalising of the first letter of lines is old hat and just serves to confuse.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
most of us try to be honest gemma
i wasn't over awed by the last two lines which took away from the rest of the poem. i did like the first two lines of the 2nd verse a lot though and felt they would make a great end to the poem and leave something for the reader to dwell on
(03-05-2013, 11:50 AM)Gemma Wrote: Take off your mask,
It's wearing thin.
Immutable, and ever still.. one or thee dots
It shrouds a storm that brews within. good verse, it captures the personality.
I have an umbrella, I have warm clothes,
I'll brave the tempest when it shows... for me the poem could end here.
However harsh the element revealed,
T'will be greeted more than a mind concealed.
I would really appreciate your criticism folks, and please be honest
