The fortress

[Olweseregon]

The fortress

Gentle whispers from afar.
With promises of the light.
Let me lead you to my creation.
Follow me into the night.

This walls I've built.
Of stone, so cold.
It surrounds my fortress.
Unbreakable, I've been told.

I will give you a guided tour.
Into the depths of the bleak.
Let us dance in my fortress,
Of the macabre and the mystiqe.

Step into my chambers.
Close your eyes and breathe.
The air is damp and thick now.
By all that lurks beneath.

Behold the fortresscellar.
Take my hand, and hold on tight.
Moaning, groaning, sounds of decay.
Imprisoned souls, deceived by the light.

The cold wind kisses the spire.
And caresses every inch.
Do you think this is a dream.
I'll give you a little pinch.

Climbing the towers.
Ascending the abyss.
Last thing I wanna show you.
Come take a look at this.

My sanctuary, my hiding place
No time to rest, keep up the pace.
Oh, so bright.
Like winters veil.
The warming suns embracing beams.
This is you, my Holy Grail.

[tectak]

The fortress

Gentle whispers from afar.
With promises of the light.
Let me lead you to my creation.
Follow me into the night.You seem not to understand how to punctuate. This profligate and erroneous use of full stops cannot be deliberate.

This walls I've built.You seem unable to gasp the rudiments of grammar. You could not seriously think that "This (singular) walls (plural)" is correct. If this is a typo then you should check your work before posting in serious (see rules)
Of stone, so cold.
It surrounds my fortress.
Unbreakable, I've been told.You seem unsure about your rhyme scheme...or more acurately, your lack of it. Assuming you were tempted, on a whim, to force the rhyme of "cold" and "told" one is left asking why; but then there seems to be an epiphany in this stanza, as if suddenly the joy of the discovery that words can sound the same em/over powers you. It is a little dizzying.

I will give you a guided tour.Oh bugger. We are not in another of those damned video games....if we are, I am going no further with this. I have to go for a reality check
Into the depths of the bleak.
Let us dance in my fortress,
Of the macabre and the mystiqe.

Step into my chambers.
Close your eyes and breathe.
The air is damp and thick now.
By all that lurks beneath.

Behold the fortresscellar.
Take my hand, and hold on tight.
Moaning, groaning, sounds of decay.
Imprisoned souls, deceived by the light.

The cold wind kisses the spire.
And caresses every inch.
Do you think this is a dream.
I'll give you a little pinch.

Climbing the towers.
Ascending the abyss.
Last thing I wanna show you.Yep. Games up! As soon as I see wanna I know it is time to vacate the building. Please consider re-posting in mild before I spit my dummy out
Come take a look at this.

My sanctuary, my hiding place
No time to rest, keep up the pace.
Oh, so bright.
Like winters veil.
The warming suns embracing beams.
This is you, my Holy Grail.

You have more to do than I do but I suspect you have more years left than me. Give my regards to the dragon....we are related.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

Tectak mentioned grammar and punctuation, so I'll not talk about them.

The fortress

Gentle whispers from afar.
With promises of the light.
Let me lead you to my creation.
Follow me into the night. -- The imagery is kind of weak. 'Gentle whispers from afar' doesn't really stick with people. In fact, it doesn't really make sense. I get what you're trying to say, but there are better ways to word it. As it stands, it's bordering on cliche and doesn't really draw readers into the poem.

This walls I've built.
Of stone, so cold.
It surrounds my fortress.
Unbreakable, I've been told. -- Word choices are kind of weak. The imagery you're trying to build can be so much more powerful if you engage the readers' senses. I know it's supposed to be a metaphor, but cold is a very telling word. Show us how you're building the fortress and your thoughts on it.

I will give you a guided tour. -- This line is quite cheesy and doesn't really go with the mood of the rest of the stanza.
Into the depths of the bleak.
Let us dance in my fortress,
Of the macabre and the mystiqe. -- Why not use this stanza to build on the image of the macabre? You're telling us that it's happening, but we don't know what it's like!

Step into my chambers.
Close your eyes and breathe.
The air is damp and thick now.
By all that lurks beneath. -- Once again, you have a good and interesting concept, but it's not being built up enough. Show, don't tell!

Behold the fortress cellar.
Take my hand, and hold on tight.
Moaning, groaning, sounds of decay.
Imprisoned souls, deceived by the light. -- Weak imagery here as well. The lines are basically telling me that you're quite new to poetry; in which case, it's quite a commendable effort, and I do see potential. Hope you can fulfill that, this poem really can be good. =)

The cold wind kisses the spire.
And caresses every inch.
Do you think this is a dream.
I'll give you a little pinch. -- The imagery here is decent, but the last 2 lines should be reworded to keep the mood of the poem consistent in my opinion.

Climbing the towers.
Ascending the abyss.
Last thing I wanna show you.
Come take a look at this. -- This stanza is too cheesy. Either you be consistent with your rhyme scheme or not stick to one at all. I suggest the latter, and well, this stanza really kills the atmosphere for me.

My sanctuary, my hiding place
No time to rest, keep up the pace.
Oh, so bright.
Like winters veil.
The warming suns embracing beams.
This is you, my Holy Grail. -- Same comments as the penultimate stanza.

Hope I'm of help! =)