Solitude

[Leanne]

Edit I

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows

No good can come of words
that are not whispered

and flesh melts against bone
to drown in sediment and silence
against your pillow

Original

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another
and flesh melts against bone

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows
to drown in sediment and silence

No good can come of words
that are not whispered
against your pillow

[Todd]

I feel like I'm taking the Fantastic Voyage into the brain. We have nuerons represented by multiple suns rising and setting. The fun part is that the imagery makes you want to look outward when it is really meant to be looking inward. I like the feint. I liked every line. The poem is put together very well. I had one, possibly odd, edit that came to me. It might screw up what you're trying to do with the personalized worry and insomnia in S3. Here it is. What if you pulled out the following lines leaving the rest of the poem intact and then reinserted them in a fourth strophe like this:

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows

No good can come of words
that are not whispered

and flesh melts against bone
to drown in sediment and silence
against your pillow

Possibly too odd like I said. Love the poem.

Thanks,

Todd

[Leanne]

That's actually pretty interesting, Todd... but I wonder if I could get away with parenthesising so that the lines still stay together with a bit inserted? Or maybe italics... make it two sort of parallel poems? Something challenging!

[Todd]

You might be able to get away with it. It could work.

[Leanne]

Let's give it a shot, can't hurt.

---

I'm not sold yet... but it was a very quick write that I'm still a bit close to, so I'm happy to float it and see what others think.

[shemthepenman]

I really like the original, but the idea of parallel poems is inspired and the edit has improved an already great poem.

there were only two things I thought when I read it initially [but this is if it were me, and therefor just stylistic things really; feel free to ignore them at your leisure]; firstly, i can't help pluralizing 'binding', but it may be an 's' too far as 'suns rise and set...' follows closely, but the pace of the poem seems to allow for it.
secondly, '...between one another', although I really like this line and what it conveys, i personally would have to change 'one another'. Maybe to 'each other', it sounds more personal to me [but that could be a long 'e' too far].

regardless, I really like it.

[hobbit86]

I try and avoid writing critiques in the serious section just because I can't begin to add anything on the level of criticism expected in this thread...but I love reading the poems in this section...and just have to say (although it's got no constructive criticism), I love the tone of this poem. The reorganisation of the 2nd version is much better than the first. Absolutely love the imagery thanks for such a good read

[heslopian]

Edit I

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows This line feels a bit too dense for its own good (is "pebble" needed?), but then I also think that about a lot of Hart Crane's lines. In short, I'm probably just a rube

No good can come of words
that are not whispered

and flesh melts against bone
to drown in sediment and silence
against your pillow

The poem made me think of live burials, or at any rate a sentient life trapped in a coffin with its thoughts. If that metaphor's intended it's an effective, haunting one. Besides, whatever mental pictures you wanted to evoke the poem still drips with atmosphere. It's strange, dark and romantic. Thank you for the read

[Stalker]

um well - I preferred the original - it was a bit easier to follow for me.

I found the first line somewhat thought provoking - and as such a bit ambiguos I suppose.

I got

some place where time is absent - but it is a small tight little place with not alot of room to move - so anything could startle the narrator out of that place.

for me I think the words 'pull' and 'binding' don't seem to go together. Pull suggests a force, Binding an attachment or device to attach something.

I think my objection is really subtle, cos attatchment can be a force, or exert a force in an emotional context.

So is time a force? I am not sure, I think it is a dimension and as such, might be bound, but does that mean it has a binding?

as I said I think my objection is a bit spurious - I think I got what you meant - and it is an interesting way to describe a timeless dreamy state of solitude.

all in all I think 'binds' might be better though.

else bloody marvellous read - thanks Leanne.


StalKeR

[tectak]

Edit I

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows I am immediately forced into the complex worlds created by the split personality. This seems to be ID-en thinking! To italicise is to seperate....I am convinced that we have an internal conversation here and would like more of it.....why did you stop so soon? Aha! You ran out of things to say!

No good can come of words
that are not whispered

and flesh melts against bone
to drown in sediment and silence
against your pillow I am not confused by the use of "your" but really, really need MORE to complete my understanding. Left as it is you leave me wanting....is that your intention? If it is, then result
I would,though, take heed of the humble critic......but ignore me
Best,
tectak

Original

It is shallow here beneath the pull of temporal binding
where suns rise and set between one another
and flesh melts against bone

Pebble thoughts glance across reflected shadows
to drown in sediment and silence

No good can come of words
that are not whispered
against your pillow

[Leanne]

Thank you all for your comments, I'm very grateful. I'm still processing as I'm not entirely sold on the edit just yet but I will probably work on bringing out that "split personality" thing

You've all given me much to think about, thanks again.

[rowens]

The poems are always so clever. This one, and some of the others are more subtle, and I like them better. I'm sure you work hard on your poetry, but it comes to the point where it just seems too easy for you. And that's a good thing, people will think they can do it because you make it seem so easy, then they fail miserably.

I never went to college, and I don't know anybody that's educated, so I'm not afraid of sounding pretentious: and I'd like to see you write a few moody, dense and obscure-ish super-serious poems. I would just be interested. Not to say that I haven't read some serious poems from you, it's just that there's usually some clever wittiness sneaking up through everything you write. And that's you, there's nothing wrong with how you do things, despite what those smug professors and people on other poetry sites have said in the past....But as one of those depressing, woe is me, life is shit kind of people myself, I'm simply waiting for that verbose, existential side of you to forget the balance and knock me out with some uber-serious, hard to understand statements on society and reality. Maybe could stick it in the Poems For Fun section.

[Wildcard]

Hi Leanne,

I was gonna try to skip all the other crit and try to do it that way but that caused me to misunderstand the italics and I was trying to read it as one continuous thought so I had to read the crit to get it.

Maybe parentheses? Or some other way to make it more clear what is happening?

tbh I liked the old way better

I love 'drown in sediment and stone' and 'reflected shadows' . . . you never fail to impress.

EDIT: oops I typed that wrong :p

Thanks for sharing.

[Leanne]

tbh I like the old way better as well... I like experimenting with different ways to write it but in some cases, first is best.

Thanks Mark

[Todd]

I miss: to drown in sediment and silence

[Leanne]

I think, after letting this sit awhile, I really want to get rid of the italics. They seem too gimicky for this poem -- but if it hadn't been suggested, I would never have known

[Todd]

Rereading it now, I don't think the italics are necessary.

[serge gurkski]

I liked the first installment best.
I thought it was perfect as is.

Yes: not every layer easily identified, but round (rounded out).
Just my 2pence

[Leanne]

Thanks Serge, I'll take your tuppence and owe you a few quid for later.

[serge gurkski]

we'll see. ;-)