I know im a bad poet but would this make a 16 year old girl smile/ laugh....will she like it???
Revision
There’s something different about you Rose
Your funny and gorgeous and your laugh, I love
you don’t compare to those other hoes
Out of all the girls I see you always sit above
I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the universe
you are amazing in every way
your truly unique and diverse
Happy Valentines Day
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She has a really good sense of humor thats why the "hoes" line is in there....im a bad poet so help or tell me if its good or bad haha
Original
Theres something different about you Rose
You have the best laugh and are VERY pretty and funny
You don’t compare to those other hoes
I hope that in the NEAR future ill have the honor to call you “my honey”
And by near future I mean now, will you be my girlfriend?....
Just know that whatever you say
I will still think of you as a great friend
But in all seriousness… happy Valentines Day
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we don't do the poll thanks to say if you're good or bad, that would be too easy
no need for introducing the poem unless it's in a forign language and no one will understand it.
(02-07-2013, 02:06 PM)twoneight Wrote: She has a really good sense of humor thats why the "hoes" line is in there....im a bad poet so help or tell me if its good or bad haha
it's okay and she'll love it, but....it isn't great poetry. that said, if it's to make her smile, i'm sure it'll succeed. try and make it less wordy.
Theres something different about you Rose
You have the best laugh and are VERY pretty and funny
You don’t compare to those other hoes
I hope that in the NEAR future ill have the honor to call you “my honey”
And by near future I mean now, will you be my girlfriend?....
Just know that whatever you say
I will still think of you as a great friend
But in all seriousness… happy Valentines Day
Posts: 108
Threads: 32
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi,twoneight and welcome.
I must say this is not that good. It's a bit all over the place, as in some lines are fare too long, so you lose the rhythm. Try and cut things out to make these lines shorter. Here's an example of what could work:
There's something different about you rose
Your laugh I love, you're pretty and funny,
you don't compare to those other hoes.
Who knows, some day I may call you honey
Quote:Theres something different about you Rose
You have the best laugh and are VERY pretty and funny
You don’t compare to those other hoes
I hope that in the NEAR future ill have the honor to call you “my honey”
And by near future I mean now, will you be my girlfriend?....
Just know that whatever you say
I will still think of you as a great friend
But in all seriousness… happy Valentines Day
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Threads: 40
Joined: Jun 2011
She is not your girl-friend, but is happy to be lumped in with 'other hoes'? You sure?
But if you must, then I would go further, and have '' If you get lucky, I'll call you honey'' or something. Or dig out ''She walks in beauty'' Byron always does it better than we do.
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Joined: Nov 2012
I agree that you should make it less wordy. It is hard to catch the rhyme with so many words. Also, if you wanted to make it more "poetic", maybe add a metaphor or similie.. :-)[/size]
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Joined: Jan 2013
Well, this isn't really a good poem. It's extremely cheesy and the language employed, to be completely honest, is not very effective. The lack of punctuation is something you can improve on too. However, if she's not an uptight literature student, she'll most likely appreciate the effort and be happy for the gesture. Not sure about the use of 'hoes' though. =)
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02-13-2013, 08:24 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-13-2013, 08:25 PM by Todd.)
Hi twoneight, I realize you're new to the site so I made some changes to your two valentine threads. When you have an edit that you've done, in general unless a lot of time has passed (at least a month or two) its best to place the edits in the same thread. Notice what I did to your first post. It allows people to chart the progress of the poem without having multiple threads cluttering up the page. I'm including a link for a tutorial Mark put together which goes into more detail. We're glad you're here posting your poems. Remember to give feedback to others who would appreciate the same help from you that you're receiving.
/mod
http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-Poetry-Revisions
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
