Insomnia

[Rye~murs]

I call you insomnia.
I associate your being
with sleepless nights.

Those...long...cold...
Lonely....nights.
When you have....
Way to much time to think.
Maybe even....pour a drink.

All I want to do is dream
As,
Naive as,
That may seem.

WITH
Broken promises
You
Sold me dreams
That
Turned into
Stolen dreams
And
Resold dreams
I'm
Holding dreams
And
Gripping dreams
That

Will never turn,
Into real things.

Bruises...
These,
Bruises...
Inside....
I'm the
Only one that loses.
These....
Tears.
Fears.
Numb, I've become
Some.
But I still feel.
Still
I know what's real.

And still!
I put on make-up.
I put on make up, still.
I've put on so much make-up
I don't remember what's on the inside
Of you,
Or even I.
And still.
I sit.
So, still.
And wait for you to stop
But even I, know
You never will.

On the brink of insanity
I laugh
At a slap to the face.
Funny to me
The normality
Of such a tragedy.

I don't even bother with make-up anymore.
I've put on so many layers of cover-up,
My surface will never be seen.
I will never have the luxury,
Of opening my heart.
Again.
You....win.
I lose.

I scrub, hoping
Wishing. Thinking....
That if I could just take of the make-up...
Maybe I could wake up.

[billy]

hi rye-murs

while it has the feels of being written by someone with insomnia. it is over extended
the same thing could be said with much fewer words/lines.
the jerky short lines do in a way represent broken sleep, but again they try to hard to achieve their goal.

[Rye~murs]

Thank you. May I say, though, it is not about insomnia at all.

[billy]

i actually thought it was about fear of being beaten and mistreated and how such cruelty becomes the norm, but i was covering my bets. the thing is, it feels too extended. because of that it doesn't hit a nerve as perhaps such a piece should.

[Sonata]

I agree with billy, it seems too extended. And I have a couple of things:
First - My interpretation of this would be, some form of a inner devil, something evil inside of you which is torturing you, giving you no sleep, killing you inside.
Second - I think you shouldn't repeat some things too many times like "Bruises... These, Bruises... Inside...." or "And still! I put on make-up. I put on make up, still."
- also, way too much use of ellipses. If you use them once, you will still get a thought which is continuing as you wanted, and also you'll give it some "style" let's say.
I think this poem is good, it definitely has potential, and I think you shouldn't give up on this one, work on it more I mean. I love it, sorry if I look too harsh, I'm just trying to help

[Rye~murs]

Its actually about a woman in an abusive relationship. The repetition is for the different type of, bruises, (physical/emotinal), the different type of make up, (making up with him/using make up to cover upthe bruses), cover up (covering up for him by lying about the bruises/using the make up to hide. Still is her continuing to let it go on, as well as her submission, maybe even getting comfortable. it acrually has nothing to do with actual insomnia. he is giving her insomnia, (insomnia being unrest, and without peace) The last two, "stanzas", are her having enough, and she either kills herself/he kills her, I left that to the readers interpretation. Notice at the end she says "maybe i could wake up", which doesnt make sense because she had "insomnia the whole poem"

[svanhoeven]

I'm just getting started and haven't written any free verse yet, but I wonder if you might condense it by moving some of the "connecting words" so they're not alone on their own line. For example, "that", "and", "these", and so forth. I'm not sure it adds anything to have single words by themselves unless they produce an image or idea, or are used in some kind of staccato rhythm. For example:

On the brink of insanity
I laugh
At a slap to the face.
Funny to me
The normality
Of such a tragedy.

Each of these lines has some kind of image or idea going on. Even if you kept all the same words you have now, but re-arrange them like the above stanza, the poem will seem more "dense" (in a good way).

[hobbit86]

it's funny...reading this it appeared more to me as lyrics to a song...just the way it was written, just seemed it could have fit into a song somewhere...play an instrument?

Although the jerkyness of the poem does make it a little harder to find a rhythm, it does work (although perhaps tidy it up a little?), because the fear, the tiredness, the sadness and extremes of emotions being in an abusive relationship would bring, I think if it had to be put to paper, that's how it would feel/sound? confusing, jumpy, and wouldn't be clear and neat on the page...so in a way you captured all that just by being a bit 'over the place' on the page...

not sure if that makes sense...suffering a bit of tiredness myself from swapping from nightshifts to a week off, lol.

Just needs tidying up a little, but I think it conveys the emotions well

[StoicMind]

I liked it. Knowing the concept, I can understand that title insomnia or at least come to my own assertions. Night time would be the only time she would have to dwell on the issue, for in the day time she must maintain a facade (Hence the Make-up). I like the structure of the poem, it reads very scattered brained and disjointed, which adds to the mood and theme of the piece. One the other hand I do feel that it is a little too long, but its not that big of an issue.