Pain makes people change.

[newsclippings]

Hey,

My lips still burn from your kisses
and they burn with questions

you were fire in the air I breathed
and fire were the hands that clasped my thigh
my waist, tight

eye to [moan]
you consumed me
whole e-
hell.

I need your grin
Your eyes closed, neck back
Fingers tip, tap, dancing on my skin

I…

laugh at the jelly in your hair,
awakened groans

I…

pounce on weathered parts
ask for the attention
I’ll never get

------------------------edit

Hey.

Your kisses.
They left my mouth aflame with questions

you were fire in the air I breathed
and fire were your hands that clasped
my thigh,
my waist, tight

eye to [moan]
you consumed me
whole e-
hell.

I need your grin
Your eyes closed, neck back
Fingers tip, tap, dancing on my skin

I…

laugh at the jelly in your hair,
awakened groans

I…

pounce on weathered parts
ask for attention
I’ll never get

[brandontoh]

Oh wow, I really like this. The imagery is strong, and the word choices are good. If I were to nitpick, I'd say I don't know what 'jell yin your hair' mean. Not sure why you use 'weathered' in the last stanza too. Not much else to say, really. It's unique and a really enjoyable read!

[newsclippings]

It just means he had a lot of sex.

Thank you for liking and commenting. :]

---

Oh and the jelly was a real instance. I made him breakfast in bed, and he rolled over on the plate, got jelly in his hair.

[brandontoh]

'Weathered' makes it sound old and... rusty though. =x Unless that's what you're going for.

[newsclippings]

Hahaha. That interpretation just makes me like the imagery more.

Dan was just a worldly man. I can think of another word, but that happens to be my second favorite line.

[billy]

hi news. despite the title (which works well) it'sa cheeky little write, it has the feel of a long term relationship and a one nighter. nothing major, just a couple of nits that really are nit. it does feel like you wrote it while being banged (in places) and i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. the whole e part gave me alaugh so perhaps it's a good thing.

thanks for the read

Hey,

My lips still burn from your kisses verges on cliche
and they burn with questions

you were fire in the air I breathed
and fire were the hands that clasped my thigh should it be fire was the hands...
my waist, tight

eye to [moan] this made smile, maybe a small rephrase keep the brackets though cos they enhance the moan.
you consumed me
whole e-
hell.

I need your grin
Your eyes closed, neck back
Fingers tip, tap, dancing on my skin

I…

laugh at the jelly in your hair,
awakened groans

I…

pounce on weathered parts
ask for the attention
I’ll never get

[Jae Mc Donnell]

newsclippings, that was a great read. so thanks. Yeah it made me laugh in parts, the e- and I--- thing very well done. Yeah but nice laugh at the little suprises.




you were fire in the air I breathed
and fire were the hands that clasped my thigh where or was maybe
my waist, tight

Anyway real good stuff

[newsclippings]

I thought about that line, and I wanted it to be the contrast of "Your hands were fire" but it didn't sound right versed that way. Was and where don't really follow through well for me. I 'unno. I'll play around with some of it.

[AisforApple]

I like how the poem was arranged, I felt like I was falling from line to line, accelerating until I got to the first "I...", then slowed down again. I actually prefer the unedited version more, because I like the repetition of "fire". But that's just me.