Apple Juice and Vodka

[AisforApple]

You never seem to be around when I need you
I'm always missing your calls
From Minnesota...or was it Michigan?
Toronto, Indianapolis, Saint Louis
I never know where you are
I'm either in class or in bed when you're there

I guess I kind of miss you

And I do always miss you when you're gone
It's when you're here
Just four floors above my head
That I wish you'd leave me alone
You wake me up far too early
To to go to museums that aren't open yet
Or you wake me up far too late
To go to restaurants that closed hours ago

I don't really remember our conversations

I know we talk a lot, we talk too much, really
About very serious, very trivial things
Like how neither one of us likes our job
How we're always aware that we're dying
How I can never afford my own movie tickets

Which movie did we watch last weekend?

Oh, yeah, that one.
You made me dinosaur egg oatmeal
We drank apple juice and vodka and watched Lolita
You walked in the room while Dolores Haze was hula-hooping
And proclaimed "This is a dirty movie!"
So we talked about sex instead, which was much more wholesome

We met while we were crossing the street

Then we met at a party
You got really drunk and tried to kiss me
Then immediately and earnestly apologized
We met at a few parties after that
We decided to be friends
We went to Wrigley Field and to the aquarium and to the river
We picked up pizza on our way back home
We were too hungry, so we just sat on the sidewalk and ate it

It was a Tuesday

I love that the only food you like is mac and cheese from the box,
Day-old Chinese food,
And Trader Joe's baby carrots
I love that you close your eyes every time you smile,
You laugh with your hands over your face,
Your eyes widen when you raise your voice,

You wait outside with me while I smoke a cigarette

I love your camera
I love the Thai dragonfruit air freshener you use in your room
I love that you have type one diabetes,
because my dad has type one diabetes, too
All the good men do

[brandontoh]

Hey there. This is an interesting poem you have, and I'll be making a more detailed critique once I'm back at my desktop. Welcome to the Pig Pen.

[rowens]

This is a pretty good poem. With me, I'd have to be in another mood to read it and appreciate it better. But I can tell from reading it once that I like it, and it works for me.

I might die of diabetes, everyone else on the male side of my family has. But I'm not dead yet. And I don't plan to be.

[AisforApple]

Thank you both! It's the first poem I've posted here, so the positive reception is very appreciated. brandontoh, a more detailed critique would be great!

[brandontoh]

Well, the first thing I noticed going into the poem was the structure. Some lines are aligned in the center, and initially I thought that if I were to read the center lines only, they'd form another stanza. I think you may be going for that, but as it stands it doesn't really work that well. Don't get me wrong, the lines work when the whole poem is read together, but the way it's structured is little misleading. It's a really interesting idea, and I can see it working well.


Secondly, do add punctuation (periods) into your poems. The proper punctuation allows you to introduce pauses at the appropriate places and make the poem easier to read as a whole.

You never seem to be around when I need you
I'm always missing your calls
From Minnesota...or was it Michigan?
Toronto, Indianapolis, Saint Louis
I never know where you are
I'm either in class or in bed when you're there -- I like the first 4 lines of this stanza. It sets the introspective kind of mood to the poem, and also the POV is decided here. In consideration of the POV, I'd go for a more informal and more personal wording for the lines. For example:

Where have you gone to, again?
I'm in class, or asleep when you're there.
Are you avoiding me?

The example is not very good, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

I guess I kind of miss you

This line makes the imagery clearer, and helps set the mood for the poem.

And I do always miss you when you're gone -- The repetition of missing him/her is not really required in my opinion. This now is about cutting the excess. I'd just go with "Always, when you're gone." for the first line. Leaving some room for imagination will elicit stronger emotions, but remember, don't overdo it.
It's when you're here -- 'It's' can be removed.
Just four floors above my head -- 'Just' can be removed too.
That I wish you'd leave me alone -- Personally I'd remove this line, since the rest of the stanza already carry across the message of being annoyed and wanting to be left alone quite well in my opinion. Leaving room for imagination, once again.
You wake me up far too early
To to go to museums that aren't open yet
Or you wake me up far too late
To go to restaurants that closed hours ago -- These 4 lines are good, but feel a little stiff. I don't really know why. But as they stand, they work well.

I don't really remember our conversations

I know we talk a lot, we talk too much, really -- The second 'we talk' can be removed.
About very serious, very trivial things -- 'About' can be removed.
Like how neither one of us likes our job -- 'Like' can be removed.
How we're always aware that we're dying
How I can never afford my own movie tickets

Which movie did we watch last weekend?

Nice line. It links nicely with the stanza before, and continue to emphasise on the first person POV.

Oh, yeah, that one.
You made me dinosaur egg oatmeal
We drank apple juice and vodka and watched Lolita
You walked in the room while Dolores Haze was hula-hooping
And proclaimed "This is a dirty movie!"
So we talked about sex instead, which was much more wholesome -- I'd break this line into 2, into something like this:

So we talked about sex instead.
Much more wholesome.

It's just my personal opinion though, so if you like the way it is, just keep it that way.

We met while we were crossing the street

This line is kind of weak. It doesn't link back to the previous stanza like the previous lines, so maybe you can add something like 'then we talk about how we met' or something along those lines to the previous stanza.

Then we met at a party
You got really drunk and tried to kiss me
Then immediately and earnestly apologized
We met at a few parties after that
We decided to be friends
We went to Wrigley Field and to the aquarium and to the river
We picked up pizza on our way back home
We were too hungry, so we just sat on the sidewalk and ate it -- The repetition of 'we' is a nice touch. I like this stanza, so there's not much to say about it. The informal, personal touch which I mentioned before is heavily present here, and I like that.

It was a Tuesday

I love that the only food you like is mac and cheese from the box,
Day-old Chinese food,
And Trader Joe's baby carrots
I love that you close your eyes every time you smile,
You laugh with your hands over your face,
Your eyes widen when you raise your voice, -- Personally, I'd remove all the 'I love' from the stanza, and add a last line along the lines of "I love all of you". It is kind of a cheesy stanza, but that may be just me. Love has always been kind of overrated in my opinion.

You wait outside with me while I smoke a cigarette

I love your camera
I love the Thai dragonfruit air freshener you use in your room
I love that you have type one diabetes, --Okay, I know it's not meant to be that way, but this line sounds kind of... creepy.
because my dad has type one diabetes, too -- Too long a line. You can easily change it to "my dad has it too".
All the good men do -- The last line of this stanza works well, but the rest of the stanza is kind of weak. This is the weakest stanza of the poem, and as the last stanza you never want it to be weak. I suggest being more subtle with your approach. For example:

Your camera,
Your dragonfruit air freshener,
Your illness.
You.

Well I hope you get the idea.

Overall, I do enjoy reading this poem a lot, and my critique isn't a representation of how much I like the poem. I hope it isn't too harsh, by the way. You have good word choices, and potential is definitely there. Cut the excess, and leave enough room for imagination are the main theme of my critique. Remember, all is but personal opinion. Take what you will from my feedback, and leave out what don't sit well with you. Hope I'm of help. =)

This is in mild critique section. Whoops.

[billy]

normally i call poems with this sort of format gimmicky, but here it really adds something to the poem more than appearance. the offset lines are like a spur in the poems road that changes the train of thought
you make the poem really personal in a way that isn't invasive for the reader. some will look at this as prose but i see it as a solid poem the narrative moves from snap shot to snapshot without bulky transitions.
i think it's one of those pieces that work better with the packing, and I can't believe i'm not saying cut this or cut that . i have no nit's, a weak 1st line maybe but that really is nit picking.

i enjoyed it, thanks for the read.

You never seem to be around when I need you
I'm always missing your calls
From Minnesota...or was it Michigan?
Toronto, Indianapolis, Saint Louis
I never know where you are
I'm either in class or in bed when you're there

I guess I kind of miss you

And I do always miss you when you're gone
It's when you're here
Just four floors above my head
That I wish you'd leave me alone
You wake me up far too early
To to go to museums that aren't open yet
Or you wake me up far too late
To go to restaurants that closed hours ago

I don't really remember our conversations

I know we talk a lot, we talk too much, really
About very serious, very trivial things
Like how neither one of us likes our job
How we're always aware that we're dying
How I can never afford my own movie tickets

Which movie did we watch last weekend?

Oh, yeah, that one.
You made me dinosaur egg oatmeal
We drank apple juice and vodka and watched Lolita
You walked in the room while Dolores Haze was hula-hooping
And proclaimed "This is a dirty movie!"
So we talked about sex instead, which was much more wholesome

We met while we were crossing the street

Then we met at a party
You got really drunk and tried to kiss me
Then immediately and earnestly apologized
We met at a few parties after that
We decided to be friends
We went to Wrigley Field and to the aquarium and to the river
We picked up pizza on our way back home
We were too hungry, so we just sat on the sidewalk and ate it

It was a Tuesday

I love that the only food you like is mac and cheese from the box,
Day-old Chinese food,
And Trader Joe's baby carrots
I love that you close your eyes every time you smile,
You laugh with your hands over your face,
Your eyes widen when you raise your voice,

You wait outside with me while I smoke a cigarette

I love your camera
I love the Thai dragonfruit air freshener you use in your room
I love that you have type one diabetes,
because my dad has type one diabetes, too
All the good men do of all the i love lined stanzas of poetry i've read, i love this stanza the best

[Wildcard]

Hi AisforApple,

I found this to be quirky while remaining 'cute' throughout. Your approach is original and at times you completely consumed me with your words. About three-quarters of the way through (when you start loving everything :p ) I felt a little like some of that was filler . . . although the ending line seems to have a personal ring to it and works with that repetition, it was the content of the 'love' list that I found a bit tedious.

Overall the reading of this poem gave me that 'feel-good' vibe and it really takes me to another place. In some ways I draw comparison's between this work and a song called 'Meet Virginia' in which the singer describes a very interesting-sounding woman who he shares a vague relationship with. I am certain that this entire paragraph will be unuseful to you as I have caught myself rambling.

Thanks for sharing

[AisforApple]

Thank you to all of you for your kind words and helpful advice. No, none of you ramble, everything is very helpful and encouraging.