Dear Nat

[KbPoetry]

Dear Nat,

I almost crashed my car today
on the way back from the grocery store

The moment between possible death
and the realization I was still alive
is what it’s like when
you bite my bottom lip

When adrenaline pumped hot
energy into my bloodstream
and my torso was crashing in on itself
I realized I want us
to be Paolo and Francesca
entwined like old trees
that would fall if the other wasn’t there
we could be blown around in the company
of Guinevere and Lancelot
like a plastic bag forced to dance on the highway

You have always been good at metaphors
I asked why you are so reserved
Remember what you said?
I do
God should have thought twice
About the ribcage, you said
Bone covered by thin skin
It’s like an old covered wagon
and you don’t cross the west in a covered wagon
Without your china getting broken
That’s why I don’t trust my ribcage
I protect my china
wrap it in newspaper awareness
and keep it behind the back of open hands

I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences
and our hearts can lay inside them
like two children in a tree house
and only we know
that the password to climb the ladder is
that our fingers don’t quite fit together
but we still hold hands
The way you rub my callouses
That I won’t let you take the trash out at night
and how you love to sleep
with your head tucked in the crest of my chin

I forgot to get bread
but don’t worry babe
I'll pick some up tomorrow

[brandontoh]

For some reason I get a really creeped out feel when I read this poem. Ishtar what you're trying to get at? Because I'm legitimately creeped out by the character.

[KbPoetry]

For some reason I get a really creeped out feel when I read this poem. Ishtar what you're trying to get at? Because I'm legitimately creeped out by the character.

Is there any specific phrase or lines that give you this feeling? It wasn't exactly what I was going for.

[brandontoh]

I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences

I think these 3 lines are what cemented the creepy feeling for me. When you use the word 'hard', it seems kind of obsessive, and maybe a little violent. I think 'tight' or 'close' are better choices. Also, saying that you want to hug someone till your ribcages mesh together feels like it's saying that you want to be one with the other party. Yes, it can be emotional and touching, but the imagery of ribcages meshing together feels really physical and once again, a little violent. I'd go for a gentler words like 'melt'. I'd wait for more people to give feedback though, because I may be the only one getting this sort of impression from your poem.

[KbPoetry]

I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences

I think these 3 lines are what cemented the creepy feeling for me. When you use the word 'hard', it seems kind of obsessive, and maybe a little violent. I think 'tight' or 'close' are better choices. Also, saying that you want to hug someone till your ribcages mesh together feels like it's saying that you want to be one with the other party. Yes, it can be emotional and touching, but the imagery of ribcages meshing together feels really physical and once again, a little violent. I'd go for a gentler words like 'melt'. I'd wait for more people to give feedback though, because I may be the only one getting this sort of impression from your poem.

I see what you are saying. I was trying to stay away from the kind of mushy love words. I guess I will have to figure something out. If you got the impression it must have been for a reason. I value what your saying haha. Maybe I should just omit the "so hard". What do you think?

[brandontoh]

Yes, that would make it better. Then you would need to do something about the metaphor of broken privacy fences. Since this is a poem on love with a positive angle, you wouldn't want to associate something broken with it.

[Todd]

Hi Kenny, I like this love letter/poem. Here are some comments for you:

Dear Nat,

I almost crashed my car today
on the way back from the grocery store--I'm not sure what this line really adds. I think the above line gives you what you need for the transition to the next strophe. I'd be tempted to see you retitle this "Dear Nat, I almost crashed my car today" Since you have no salutation you might be able to simply drop the Dear Nat--though that isn't necessary just an option.

The moment between possible death
and the realization I was still alive
is what it’s like when
you bite my bottom lip--I very much like the transition from the car to the relationship here

When adrenaline pumped hot
energy into my bloodstream--is energy a visual enough word choice?
and my torso was crashing in on itself--nice image
I realized I want us
to be Paolo and Francesca--when you considered the way they died this is an excellent allusion
entwined like old trees--again another great image
that would fall if the other wasn’t there--While this is a nice thought I think it's a bit of a let down from the last line and I think you could cut it
we could be blown around in the company
of Guinevere and Lancelot
like a plastic bag forced to dance on the highway--forced feels a little grim, though that may be what you are going for.

You have always been good at metaphors--not sure you need this line
I asked why you are so reserved--is there a way you could use an image to demonstrate this idea of being reserved?
Remember what you said?
I do--again, could just be me but I'm not sure you need this
God should have thought twice
About the ribcage, you said--I don't think you need you said here
Bone covered by thin skin
It’s like an old covered wagon--maybe cut it's. Good image
and you don’t cross the west in a covered wagon--I don't think the repetition here helps you. You could cut everything after west
Without your china getting broken--nice and it works well with ribcage on the next line
That’s why I don’t trust my ribcage
I protect my china
wrap it in newspaper awareness--You're already in metaphor. I don't think awareness helps you here
and keep it behind the back of open hands

I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences
and our hearts can lay inside them
like two children in a tree house--I like everything up to this point. In this case I think you may want to move away from simile and kill the like
and only we know--I'd be tempted to end this line with "the password"
that the password to climb the ladder is
that our fingers don’t quite fit together--very nice
but we still hold hands
The way you rub my callouses
That I won’t let you take the trash out at night--this line feels awkward to me
and how you love to sleep
with your head tucked in the crest of my chin--this is a nice line

I forgot to get bread
but don’t worry babe
I'll pick some up tomorrow--I get that this is, I nearly died and didn't get bread. I don't find this conclusion though a good payoff. I'd rather see you find a different way to circle back to the beginning.

Well those are my initial thoughts and opinions. Hopefully some of that ramble will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[KbPoetry]

Hi Kenny, I like this love letter/poem. Here are some comments for you:

Dear Nat,

I almost crashed my car today
on the way back from the grocery store--I'm not sure what this line really adds. I think the above line gives you what you need for the transition to the next strophe. I'd be tempted to see you retitle this "Dear Nat, I almost crashed my car today" Since you have no salutation you might be able to simply drop the Dear Nat--though that isn't necessary just an option.

The moment between possible death
and the realization I was still alive
is what it’s like when
you bite my bottom lip--I very much like the transition from the car to the relationship here

When adrenaline pumped hot
energy into my bloodstream--is energy a visual enough word choice?
and my torso was crashing in on itself--nice image
I realized I want us
to be Paolo and Francesca--when you considered the way they died this is an excellent allusion
entwined like old trees--again another great image
that would fall if the other wasn’t there--While this is a nice thought I think it's a bit of a let down from the last line and I think you could cut it
we could be blown around in the company
of Guinevere and Lancelot
like a plastic bag forced to dance on the highway--forced feels a little grim, though that may be what you are going for.

You have always been good at metaphors--not sure you need this line
I asked why you are so reserved--is there a way you could use an image to demonstrate this idea of being reserved?
Remember what you said?
I do--again, could just be me but I'm not sure you need this
God should have thought twice
About the ribcage, you said--I don't think you need you said here
Bone covered by thin skin
It’s like an old covered wagon--maybe cut it's. Good image
and you don’t cross the west in a covered wagon--I don't think the repetition here helps you. You could cut everything after west
Without your china getting broken--nice and it works well with ribcage on the next line
That’s why I don’t trust my ribcage
I protect my china
wrap it in newspaper awareness--You're already in metaphor. I don't think awareness helps you here
and keep it behind the back of open hands

I want to hold you so hard
so close our ribcages
mesh together like two broken privacy fences
and our hearts can lay inside them
like two children in a tree house--I like everything up to this point. In this case I think you may want to move away from simile and kill the like
and only we know--I'd be tempted to end this line with "the password"
that the password to climb the ladder is
that our fingers don’t quite fit together--very nice
but we still hold hands
The way you rub my callouses
That I won’t let you take the trash out at night--this line feels awkward to me
and how you love to sleep
with your head tucked in the crest of my chin--this is a nice line

I forgot to get bread
but don’t worry babe
I'll pick some up tomorrow--I get that this is, I nearly died and didn't get bread. I don't find this conclusion though a good payoff. I'd rather see you find a different way to circle back to the beginning.

Well those are my initial thoughts and opinions. Hopefully some of that ramble will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your critique. I greatly appreciate it. About the last stanza, I was trying to make this feel like a note on the fridge kind of thing. Do you think that it accomplishes it or do I need to change it? Do you have any ideas on how this could be accomplished?
I tend to use a few extra words that don't really hold as much weight as others. A little more practice and I'll get it down. Thanks again.

[Todd]

You accomplished the note on the fridge. Unfortunately, the note on the fridge as it stands is not providing (only in my opinion) a satisfying conclusion. The I forgot to get bread line might still work. Some idea of the note ending but your life together not ending. I don't really have any ideas. I mean WCW did the plum note so notes can work...just however you do it have your last line be powerful. If you want to do the bread line and the tomorrow line fine...but come up with something at the end that has more resonance.

Just a thought, don't know if that helps.