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First edit
I was 17, why tell the lie?
so I'd shame you and blame you?
my first, the gym teacher
why did you lie?
to fuel my angry mob?
so I'd poor petrol on the school?
melting my dreams
fusing nylon to my skin.
later when I asked him,
if he could ever?
with me like this,
he lied again.
Shamed the gym teacher,
fuelled the angry mob,
petrol bombed the school,
melted the mop bucket,
fused nylon to my skin.
When I asked him,
if he could ever,
with me like this,
he lied again.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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I'm afraid it's not often I feel like I've missed the point completely, but I really do with this poem. There's clearly something dark being hinted at, but the hint is so subtle that it's just passing me by. Sorry
It could be worse
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(12-20-2012, 04:42 AM)Leanne Wrote: I'm afraid it's not often I feel like I've missed the point completely, but I really do with this poem. There's clearly something dark being hinted at, but the hint is so subtle that it's just passing me by. Sorry
Well its like this, he and she were together she was still in school, he cheated on her so she told the angry mob about the realtionship, they burned down the school and she got caught in the fire and was disfigured, she asked if he still loved her, he said he did, but he didn't.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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I thought one of the kids was being fiddled by the gym teacher.
It could be worse
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(12-20-2012, 08:23 AM)Leanne Wrote: I thought one of the kids was being fiddled by the gym teacher.
I wouldn't dare to tackle such topics or give them air play
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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i got the love and anger and thought it was one of those bad teacher things where the teacher gets in trouble but never saw the image you explained. perhaps it needs more fuel
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I can feel the hate then in the last few lines wanting to be wanted. I read your explanation and it made more sense. I caught the fire and wanting to be loved, that he lied somehow and that the one lied to was the narrator who got injured during the fire. What I didn't catch was the cheating until I read your comment, which explained the first lie.
I like that it has subtle hints of a story unfolding with just images without giving away too much by telling the story, because I think with this, too much detail wouldnt work it would just take away or bury this somehow.
It isnt necessary to change it all up (which I don't know if that's what you were planning to do or not) in my opinion all it needs is showing the cheating (which would give away that there was a relationship and why there was a fire) using the same style you have already created with the flashes of images. Hopefully this helps.
