Bastard's war

[benthejack]

A title taken from this thread.

Sorry for the multiple poems today, but i've just found this new wordfuelled drug.


--Bastard's war--

he came from first battle bloody and screaming,
poor boy, survival's pleasure stolen.
No gap in pain for ever more,
this war has just begun.

Mother sees his wailing face,
A life spent swimming in her bitter waste.
A fight with pain, life spins its web,
no pleasure found in age's long ebb,

The years will pass with small joy,
merely slight ease in pain.
Searing shafts of rejection,
mines of dispair,
Shredding his youthful skin.

The battle of womb was the bastards first stand,
Sickness, ageing and death will be his last.
The bastard is me, how I yearn to be free,
from the war of life's bitter grasp.

[Todd]

There are some things you could do with this one. Life being a war from birth to death has a lot of possibilities.

Oh, and don't apologize poetry prompts are meant to get you writing.

[TwistedAngel]

if am honest..an this maybe more telling anout meself than this poem..but after i wos left untouched by it

many many poems have been written about the whole 'woe is me' thing, for me they have to give something of the author for them to work well

me fave stanza is 3 i thought is the most powerful an well written but overall it didnt leave me feeling anything of the author to actually care about or feel any kind of empathy with

is not badly written at all is just missing that personal touch..in me humble opinion

[benthejack]

Cheers for the feedback Twisted Angel, Its really helpful to be told!
To be honest this poem is not about me (saying it was was a bit of a lie really) and more a statement about the battle of life in general. Which is probably the cause of the lack of a personal touch and any kind of meaningful impact.
When I find a compelling story to tell, rather than the abstract ideas that are my usual feed, maybe I'll be more of a poet!
I'm usually obnoxiously optimistic so writing about bitterness and dispair isn't particularly natural. This poem is me really trying to branch into unfamiliar territory (clearly quite unsuccessfully, no worries). Maybe when I suffer some more I'll have something interesting to say in this vein
I would usually try to edit a poem to improve it, but I think I'll bin this one for now!